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Well,
I am getting ready to head into day 6 opiate free. Maybe I am expecting too much so soon, but I really expected to be feeling more "normal".

Oh, I have been the master of putting on a good front to everyone ...online....and especially at home. A couple months ago when I detoxed off the vicodin, I went through a very emotional period where I cried continuously. All I wanted was for the one person I loved to be there and just understand....just hold me and let me know he was there for me. But instead, I got a cold shoulder due to lack of understanding. According to him, "There was no reason for the tears and emotions....hell, it was just coming off of some stupid pills". I was made to feel that if I continued to let my real emotions and feelings show through, that I might seriously lose the one person on this planet that I even have any desire to live for.
SO, I became very adept at hiding my true feelings. This time around with the detox, it's been all bubbles and smiles in the house.....when he is around. Remember, I am taking 12 days off of work to get through this detox....so, during the day I am alone. That is when the real Lou comes out and I cry....and sometimes sob so uncontrollably because there is absolutely noone whom I can turn to and just say "Hold me....make me feel alright...that I am not going crazy for having these ridiculous emotional breakdowns". But that is not to be. I live a double life....a lie when I am around others to make sure everyone thinks I am coming along fine, while inside, I am crumbling.

Today was my partner's birthday. I spent the day out running errands trying to do everything in my power to make his birthday special. I did not feel like going out and I found myself in tears several times through the day, but I did it. I had a cake and balloons along with gifts ready for him when he got home from work, and we did the planned dinner at the japanese restaurant.

When we got home, he brushed through the card that I had spent so much time selecting, then complained "that the cake I got probably was that nasty one that had the greasy frosting like last time". That was when my facade crumbled and I fell to pieces. I tried to explain how I have been trying to shelter him from THIS detox, since he was not the most understanding the last time with the other drug. We have been together nearly 9 years and for the first time, I truly feel that I do not know my partner. We own a house together, but I have an unexplained "need" to go away and just get a hotel room. I feel so completely alone that I at times feel like it would almost be better just to "end it all". What would that solve tho....I dunno....I am lost and do not know where to turn. If I go to the emergency room and turn myself in, then I will jeopardize my very good paying job I just got promoted to....so that is not an option.

I don't know where to go with this post....just my thoughts and emotional ramblings. I know I should expect this sort of thing coming off opiates, but it really hurts not having ANYONE at home who understands .....

--Lou





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