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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

I never dreamed I'd be posting something like this. It's a long complicated story of how exactly I got on hydrocodone..... I did it without a script. 4-5 years down the line - the last two years being the absolute worse, I realize I have a serious problem with the pills. I have read several posts on this board and I know what detox feels like because I have had lapses between when i could get more pills. However I was completely in denial and scored the pills before I detoxed. I know what kind of pain to expect and quite frankly I am absolutely terrified. But I am aslo determined. I WILL do this - come hell or high water.
I did think, if things got bad enough, that I might go to the ER, until someone mentioned on here 'getting turned in'. What does that mean? I obtained my pills illegally, and while I just took the last one....... does that mean I can be arrested if I go to ER? What can they do to help me anyway? My plan is to suffer through it. Plan B was to go to ER. I have the luxury of not working right now. I'm between jobs and this is the time to do it.
My fear of seeking help through ER is:
1) [B]It'll go on record [/B]and I am working towards a certificate as medical assistant.
2) [B]Jail[/B] - I have panic attacks, too, and already know I cannot handle the holding cell which is a small room with no windows - claustraphobia! MAJOR PANIC!!!
3) [B]I panic over traveling[/B]. There is no detox in my small city so They'd send me to a detox place out of town - which would be great except I panic attacks outside of my own city - traveling scares me. And I have no money to pay for a detox program.
The good news is I have all the great info you people have provided me with about detox and I do take Xanax and I understand that helps a bit during detox?
Forgive me in advance if I come on here during detox and am in a pissy mood. I need you people - I really do. My parents also are there for me as well as one other person. My husband is in the pen. He'd really help me if he could - he's been addicted before. I realize I have a lot going for me. And I am incredibly determined to quit. But I do worry I'll come on here in the middle of the night having had an emotional breakdown and sound like - I don't know..... pathetic. I'll just have to see how it goes. Thanks to all of you who have posted useful information. I don't know what I would do if I had not read it. Literally within 4-6 hours from now I will be in withdrawals. I'm terrified but determined. I'm scared of the pain, the leg trembling, and the severe depression and I already know my mind will mess with me to get me to find pills. But I am out of money and contacts right now. Now is the time. I'll keep you all posted.

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