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I have been in the exact same situation, millions have. I can say one thing; until you discover the source of your addiction, pain management doesn't mean a whole lot because your medicating a much deeper source of pain. Of course we know narcotics don't do anything but get us high anyway, so don't really worry about chasing a high, you have much more important things to think about. Once you begin occupyong yourself with more important matters, you'll forget all about that high that only lasts about five inutes and then your three days short on your doses.

As an addict we want to continually "feel good" and as Anne Wilson Scheaf writes in her book; When Society Becomes and Addict you'll find your not alone. We live in a totally addictive society. were addicted to money, staus, and most dangrous process addcitions, such as rage-alohism, controlism and many other isms.

As far as addiction I am lucky, I was in one of the best drug programs in the country back in 1986 and the tools they gave me then are ingrained in my personla mosiaic. It was a highly experimental program which was based on family therapy and didn't touch on disease models, or 12-steps. Don't get me wrong I12-step programs keep millions sober, but we still have an epidemic.

In fact what I'm about to say will be found in a book I'm publishing and one of the people I met who saved my life I met in 12-step rooms, so I do appreciate what they have to offer, I also am aware of how dangerous they can be, after all everyone there is sick and as funny or insulting as that sounds it's true. In fact some of the "old timers" are the most egregious offenders, they feed offf the newcomers as if theye were just pawns for their control addcition. Unconditional love does not include someone saying: "By helping others they keep themselves sober" think about that, in some respects then theere are those people with years of "obriety" who actully need you to remain sober? How is that any more or less healthy then getting high of a substance, they still haven't discovered the true source of their own pain.

Some years ago I tried what is known as Rage Reduction Therapy also kown as Original Pain work. This involves regressing to pre-verbal trauma and feeling he pain to relase it. Igt's now been proven that every addict and or sociopath came from a dysfucntional family. This is not abot blame and this type of therapy rarely if ever involves having any contact with the offender. Also you'll hear many people say about this, "Until I forgive my family I can't grow" That is a dangerous philosophy. Somethings done to us were unforgivable and forgivin someone for such acts simply reinforces what happned in the first place, the loos of our perfect integrity which every child brings into the world as an innocent.

As infants, even before we leave the womb the chemicals surging through our mother's bodies effects brain development ergo emotional development. If your mom is stressed or under the influence this effects you on both a physical and a pyschological level. This is what is known by psychic illness.

When a child is brought into the world he/she, is 100% dependent on it's parents for unconditonal love. This entails a sense of safety, constant nurturing, touch, sound and warm affection. When a child is left alone to cry in the crib and the parents say "Oh don't worry your supposed to let them cry" this is ann example of how dysfunction is repeated and passed from generation to generation. When a child cannot get it's needs met after screaming and crying, it's only means of protection is to repress it's own needs. This is where the damage to the soul begins, this is where murderers, addicts and all sorts of sociopaths are born because they have been forced "not to feel" therefore our behavior our needs become perverted.

I have never met an addcit whom didn't experience some pre-verbal truama as an infant. What I suggest is to find a few books which have changed my life and many iothers, these are a collection which all lead to the sam place, Original Pain work as freedom from your personal prison. Please find at least the first of the following books.
1.) John Bradshaw: Home Coming Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child.

2.) Alice Miller: Banished Knowledge

3) J Konrad Sttenbacher: Making Sense of Suffering

As Alice Miller says, "The only recourse a baby has when his screams are ignored is to repress his distress, which is tantamount to mutilating his soul, for the result is an interferance with his ability to feel, to be aware and to remember..."

Many people often wonder why after talking about their problems hey still have the compulsions? One reason is that most of the damge whch holds you hostage to addictions and other compulsive behavior ocurred during your pre-verbal stages of development. Your emotional stability begins long before you lean to speak which is why so many people don't get better, nor get beter in psychoanalysis, where their supposed to "talk it out". How can you talk about "feelings" which occured before you learned to speak?

This is why compulsions lead to physical symptoms, and why we need drugs such as Narcotics to sooth feelings which we often can't describe as anything but bad. 80-years after Freud discovered those of his patients whom expressed primal rage were immediately releaved of compulsion and obessions they had their entire lives. Arthur Janov (famous Psychiatrist) observed in his clients those whom experinced once-blocked pain were free from life long repression and began to see clearly early traumas. This awarness improved their symptomology.

The reason why psychoanaylisis has failed today is because nearly 60% of those who go into the feild are suffering themselves. The role between therapist and cleint has to change and instead of seperating thmselves from their client, they should be doing the work themselves. This leads to the most important elment of Primal Therapy, the Enlightened Witness.

Your inner child is more willing to trust someone whom has gone through what they have and who is now leading them to re-experince those early events, except this time with an advocate and with the abiliy to rage at the offenders and the offense.

I suffered for 20+ years relapsing every five or one and was struggling. Then I began doing Original Pain work again nearly 4-years after I first done it. And I can tell you even with my first session I had absolutely no desire to repeat my old patterns, compulsions or addictions. Still becase was in a relationship I couldn't see how dependent I was, I just coulnd't be alone. As I got better I then took up Mountain Biking, Skiing, and Big Wave Surfing which took me to Costa Rica and Hawaii where I lived and realized one day I had been alone for several years and really enjoying my own company as opposed to seeking ouit woment to take care of me.

And then I broke my back. I relapsed early leaving the Hospital where I was on a morphine drip and was given MS-Contin for pain. Eeventually I ate them like candy. Butr the tools were there and I pulled myself out of that re-lapse ina few months. Once you've been given the sword of enlightenment, you realize it's double edged an you can never go back. Eeventually I had to take Narcotics for pain after years of feeling the stigma of being an addict in pain. Today I've been on a Methadone program which helps me with wanting to take too much meds even thoguh I've been sober some time. I am now writig book on addiction and Neuroscience.

So I say to you now to do two things, first I would get on a Methadone Clinic. Thjis way your dose is forcibly controlled (behavior modification)and second get the three books I have. My other advice is actually to stay away from AA, NA, and CA and go right to ACOA. This is becaise ACOA is where you'll find more people doing primal therapy and in the AA, and NA I find there's simply too many people whom aren't there to get better and negative contracts are drwn up every day, meetings abecome a place to meet more people whom aren't really ready to get sober.

I know that sounds contradictory, but I beleive in your case it would help. I don't ascribe to masny things in AA, I wouldn't treat Cancer like they did in 1933, why would I go to a orginazation still using principles and ptracticies from that era. I belaive in time you can go there. but I also think this is the probnlem with AA and most drug programs oday. They tell you you ghave a moral disease, that you are bad and will be forever: but you should live with that. The reason drug programs have a 90% re-lapse rate is not because the addict just doens't want to succeed but because the program has failed. You wouldn't invest your time in anything that had a 90% chance of failure would you? Nor would I.

The books I listed above saved my life, out of the three John Bradsahw is the one to get if your low on cash. Once you become aware your life will change some call i sobriety I call it self-actualization. I won't allow someone else to attach a stigma to me ecause they believe I have a disease. How do I know this? As I said Original Pain work has given me back the ingerity robbed from me as an infant. I still loe my family, and while their still dancing the dysfucntional dance, I don't have to. Besides I have a bad back so I can' dance their crazy dance anymore, hehe.

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