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Hey Tabby,

Yes, I know about the small town thing...I lived in one a couple of years ago for a few years and it totally throws out the anonymous thing! Is there a town maybe an hour away or someting that you could drive to if even for once a week? You could eventually establish a sponsor and they would be very helpful in being available to you and giving you suggestions, alternatives, as well as a ton of support and "recovery survival skills".

You sound alot like me. I'm a very addictive personality...hate admitting sometimes, but if I don't I'm doomed for sure! I know, for myself, when I quit this again...hopefully for the last time...I have GOT TO establish another "addiction" that is healthy, inspiring, and "okay" to be addicted to.
If I'm not addicted to drugs, it will just be a man, or food, smoking, something...so I better find something worthwhile that doesnt' hurt myself or anyone else! Know what I mean? I'm sure you do. That's why you'll see alot of people "addicted" to AA or NA....they're just like us too. But as long as you're addicted to something positive that is keeping you from the bad addictions, well....no harm...right?

I trully understand your plight!...but it's workable...I do know that! Good news!
And you are so very lucky (it sounds) to have a really supportive hubby! If you just find that you can't kick the benzos or alcohol at home, check out a detox....it's usually only 3-5days....it only works on the physical part (detox), but then you can go to AA, NA, church, whatever works for you to keep you IN recovery....and not relapsing. Really gotta have that!

Really hoping and wishing the best for you! Keep us posted please!
Shay
:cool:
Tabby Dear

I have been reading your thread and want to applaud you for thinking and wanting to get off valium and booze. These are wonderful thoughts.

I think perhaps you are hiding behind your fear and pride in your thoughts. Oh, my goodness! What if someone finds out and I no longer have a perfect reputation? Oh, my, will my parents be devastated if they ever find out? What if I go to a local meeting and someone there recognizes me? What if it is too hard for me?

What if? What if? What if?

What if we just accept that a problem is looming large in your life because you are human as we all are and need help sometimes too resolve a problem. If you had a mental and emotional breakdown, I believe you would accept all the help you could because you would be desperate to get better. I know I would... and have. I fell into such a deep clinical depression and baby, you better believe I accepted help from doctors, hubby, aduly children, neices, friends.. anyone and everyone who could help me. And they all gave me help because I would do the same if the table were reversed.

I think you have an idea of wanting to resolve this problem, but no concrete reality of how big a problem it can be. The resolution is so far beyond just a desire to stop. It is hard, hard work... and the truth is that you [B]are[/B] going to be pretty darn sick physically and then undergo depression as you have never felt it before.

I have endured cancer. At that time, I fought like my life depended on it because it did. When I knew I had a problem with prescription drugs, I fought the same way because again, my life depended on it. I consulted doctors, I formed a plan for a course of action and treatment and I followed through with the help of all family members and friends who would help. Lord, people came out of the woodwork for me! It was so great. For six months while I had to live away from home often for surgeries and treatment, meals came on a daily basis... all scheduled. Support came everyday in the form of cards, flowers, phone calls, etc while I lived away from home and when I returned home. I was so honest with my doctors. When I felt like crap, I told them and they did all they could to alleviate the symptoms. When I couldn't pay bills, I told them and they forgave major portions. When transportation and household bills became a problem, I didn't havr to tell anyone... money flowed into our house... more than I had earned in salary! All this, Tabby, because all these people CARED about me, loved me, treasured ME, a chubby paraprofessional who earned under poverty level income and have never done anything greater than caring about the many people in my life.

Do not belittle the problem you have. It is going to take a huge plan, done in stages, to overcome it. It will be a change in thinking totally. So many people talk about how the flowers look prettier and the sun feels warmer in recovery. These things are true, but are indicitve of a much greater change in awareness in thinking. It is an overall change and reinforcement of how precious life is. That is why we 'suddenly' appreciate family and friends more. That is why we 'suddenly' begin to value ourselves more. That is why we 'suddenly' re-accept our need for God.

I suggest that now is the time to begin your new thinking and in much more earnest, not in fleeting thoughts. Plan out a strategy thoroughly with a qualified doctor. Let your parents know because you will need help with children and care for yourself. Please read a heck of a lot more stories here and get a realistic grasp about what you are about to undertake.

Get back here and ask questions... a million of them as a start. Learn from those who have gone before you. And please, please read The Sample Home Detox (very first thread on this board) before you do anything else.

With all hope
reach
:p Hey Tabby...

I neglected something important in my posts about vitamins....You say you're taking the potassium and that's good, I forgot to say that you need to take magnesium as well with it. Magnesium is needed with the postassium to facilitate it....or make it absorb......sorry about that!
Also, maybe it's just the way your post was written, but it kinda looks like maybe you think AA/NA is a detox program or something? You had said (I don't know how to use the quotes) that "you might try NA/AA, out of town, but you'd like to just try yourself at home?"....You do know they are just hour long meetings with people just like us...like this board....telling their stories and how they have gotten through w/d's, maintain recovery, and the tools they use to do it..(in a nutshell)..right? Just wanted to clear that up in case.....You can establish a sponsor there, just ask someone you like or can relate to with at least a year sobriety to be your sponsor. They are just there to be your "main buddy" and guide you. You can call them, they can call you, give you baby steps to work on to guide you through recovery....so that you don't relapse or to help you just get on your way to abstinence.....
You probably knew all this and it was just that your post was just kinda misleading, but thought I better clear it up in case! :p

Also, I understand totally about your family and town. Reach is right though, but you will get there. This is all a process and you won't get it all or do it all at once. If you need to keep things to yourself right now to get you started and that's what it takes, then so be it. As long as you know, when you do hide it, it will lead back to using. That's a huge deal to all of us! But just be careful your true intentions for not telling others. I know alot of people myself included that used that excuse because "it will mess up our using and our high if we tell"....you know what I mean? Once you tell, the jig is up. I think maybe that's what Reach is saying....just very tactfully. BUT, if you know you're intentions and are really honest with yourself, you can quit THEN tell your family when you're ready...just don't let it ruin potential sobriety.

I also, saw the other's post about the Ashton method of detox and read the entire manuscript last night. There's alot of very accurate stuff in there that alot of medical study has proven which I've known from just plain use and trial and error, so I agree with the manuscript completely. Just make sure and read the whole thing, not just the "how to do it" part. She addresses alot of issues that may come up in detox. One of them being poor detox or difficult detox and or long term detox symptoms due to ANXIETY over detoxing. You are stressing about it really badly. She says it makes the detox much worse and I agree totally! I can tell you this, being the first time you've detoxed that's a good thing. It will be easier. I know that sounds backwards but it is harder to detox everytime you start, stop, start, stop....She explains it medically there and it basically has to do with scr##ing with your brain's receptors. So don't get caught up in the anxiety of detoxing, for sure.
There are just a couple of things she said that, I personally don't agree with. One of them is the fact that she really doesn't address fully the true addict and w/d which you are you've said...her plan, just in my opinion is too long for the addict, and she advocates drinking wine for sleep and anxiety....Just be really careful with all that!
Being an addict, you know that "ain't gonna work". The detox plan is coming more from a standpoint for someone who has taken benzos as prescribed and will have w/d's coming off and does not have other addiction issues. Just a little bit of a "beware" for you....But you can definate use alot of that info and modify it to your situation.

I hope you all the best for sure! You gotta do some inner work though for sure, like Reach said. Something Kadee has suggested here and other's have raved about, and I too have the actual books...is the "Hazeldon' site....they write alot of inspiration stuff and how to's for addicts...and write the AA/NA publications. She said they will send you (email) daily affirmations and things like that.
Shay
:cool:





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