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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Hello everyone. Had to write to say as of July 10, 2007, it has been one year since I had a pain pill!! I can't believe it's gone by so fast.

Of course it wasn't fast at the beginning. I was on this board whining all the time about how I was afraid I would never feel good again. It took several months before I started feeling "happy" on my own. At first I was very depressed, my legs were fidgety and I couldn't sleep for nothing! I thought I would go crazy. I drove my family nuts asking would I ever feel good again.

I had been taking darvocet (20 day) + about 5 mg xanax. Then I progressed to Vicodin and lastly, oxycodone. It all started because of legitimate chronic pain from two car wrecks, but tolerance set in, and well, you know the rest.
I did this for about 15 years! Of course, starting with normal doses and working up to the most the last couple years.

Finally I realized I felt like crap all the time, the pills weren't having the same effect. Only once in a while did I feel really good from them anymore, but I kept taking them all the same. And let's not forget all the time and money I spent going to doctors to get all these pills. It was like a full time job, and I was very good at it. But at the end, my "I've hit bottom" so to speak, I felt like I was dying, and I probably was. I woke up scared every day. The pills were my every thought. My liver enzymes were way up, probably from the tylenol in everything, my stomach was always upset, I was depressed and afraid I would die.

So one day out of the blue I told my husband I was going to check into the hospital for a few days just in case of seizures or something from stopping.
I was there 3 days, and it really wasn't as bad as I expected at first. I didn't even take any of the meds they offered me. I just wanted to be watched.

When I got home it was a different story. I was miserable for months. Just the habit itself was missed. Used to be every time I'd get a Coca Cola or something it was to pop pills, and now it seemed weird not to do that. Then it started getting better slowly. Today, it is SUCH a relief not to worry about getting and taking the pills anymore. That's worth the whole thing. And my sweet family is happy too. I didn't think I acted weird on the pills, but they told me I was always sleepy acting and a little spacey. Duh.

Anyway, today I can't imagine taking the pills again. Even though when I am hurting the thought will creep into my head occasionally, "man, I wish I could take a pain pill" (I am human), I think of them as poison, remember the bad years, and it passes. And the irony is, I need them now worse than before. As I've gotten older my aches and pains have turned to arthritis. I literally hurt all the time. Bad knees, bad discs in neck and back, limping, etc. But I just alternate aspirin, excedrin, ibuprofen and hope for the best. It helps some, but I just am learning to live with it. It can be done.
Sometimes it's a little depressing to hurt all the time. But then I remember that the pain pills never really took the pain away all the time, I just didn't care as much for a few hours. Understand?

Hope I haven't bored you all to tears, or come across as too corny and self righteous, but I AM proud of myself, and although I know the saying is "never say never", I really can't imagine going back to that life. Ever.

So hang in there everyone who is trying so hard and feeling hopeless. Just want it bad enough and it will happen. Don't waste years of your life like I did. Remember it's not an overnight process. You will stop the drugs and be happy again on your own, without chemical help. I've lost 60 lbs., lowered my blood pressure, my liver is back to normal. I am blessed.
Good luck!

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