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Hey South,
I am feeling sad for you right now. And i read over everyones responses and felt even sadder. Bcuz i know how your feeling. And i also know that mere suggestions on a screen are not going to truely help what your going thru.
I'm saying this bcuz i've been thru some horrible crap in my life. And i had many people around me telling me what i should do and how i should handle it. Of course i never listenend.....bcuz i wasn't able to. I felt paralyzed in the situation and unable to make the right choices. I mean, everyone on this board has been where your at....and most of them didn't make the right choices either. Bcuz really, u can only do what u can at this moment.
It is easy for everyone to tell u what they think you should be doing.....i've dealt with a lot of resentment over my family/friends constantly telling me what i "should" do to make things better. But then i look at them, with their own types of problems and i see THEM not doing EXACTLY what is "right".
These important decisions have to come from YOU. People can give advice on how they have handled things, but you make your own decisions ultimately.....and what may be wrong for one person, may be right for another.
My therapist has told me a very insightful phrase before. When i've shared with him tragedies from my past and horrible situations i've been in and NOT made the best decision in them....so i felt guilt from it, from not choosing what was best for me.; he's told me that there are no right or wrong decisions of our PAST. WE've chosen only what we could at that time, and even though we know better now, with what we had infront of us at the time, we truely made the best decision we could have, then.
I know i'm proably not making much sense right now, i guess i'm just trying to get to you on a deeper level. Bcuz no matter how much advice people give you, your going to do what you feel is the best thing for you right now.
You have to understand that the things your going thru right now (losing house, without job) are VERY stressful. Addict or not, going thru these things can be horribly stressful and affect you mentally AND physically.
I guess what i'm trying to get at is that i went thru many years of suffering and not taking others advice on how to get better.....it had to be ME knowing in my heart what was right for me to take those steps.
How many times have we gotten good advice over the years and not taken it?? For me, many many times. Even though i knew it was for the best, i still chose differently.
Until I came to realize these things on my own. But regardless of what you choose to do and if u choose to listen to others, talking to someone IN PERSON is sooooo necessary. You can't hold all this in and go about each day feeling the way you do. You need an outlet, someone to totally open up to. I know your not comfortable going to mtgs., but i know you have a list of phone numbers from the mtg., and the people who wrote their numbers down WANT you to call. Again, i can't tell u what to do, but i think that calling someone DAILY is a good step in the right direction.
As far as taking Sub., talk to your dr. about it. Tell him/her about the fact that you've already been clean for 3 months., etc....
But like the others said, you will end up having to go thru withdrawl when u decide to stop it. But maybe u need it to help keep u straight until u get thru these struggles. But just so you know, i'm thankful i've had it, it has helped....but now i'm facing yet another miserable detoxification.
And i can't see me being able to quit this if it weren't for me wanting to have a baby.....so basically, what i'm trying to say is that it can be easy to get on this stuff and never get off. So if you've already gone thru the hell of detoxing off vic's, it may not be worth it to start another opiate.
I'll be praying for you sweetie, and i'm sorry if i rambled. I just felt a connection thru the posts that i related to SO MUCH. And i wanted to share upfront, unbiased feelings about the subject.
Hey South,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can't give advice b/c I am not a success story. I can tell you that I've felt just like you do though, and I've given in to taking vics again, and I wish I hadn't. Add shame, self loathing and guilt to what you're feeling now. Hon, they might make you feel better at first but it's like putting a band aid on the problem. After the temporary high is gone you are going to still feel depressed, but even more so b/c you'll be mad at yourself for throwing away 3 months of sobriety.

I struggle with depression a lot and that's partly why I've always succumbed to my hydrocodone urges. I think that I don't want to live anymore so what does it matter, etc. etc. I've been researching something called endogenous opiods which are naturally occurring chemicals in their brain. Everyone has them but some people have a deficiency. This makes a lot of us prone to be opiate addicts, b/c opiates make some of us feel normal. Suboxone has helped people with this deficiency not be depressed. It's a super small percentage of what sub is being used for, but there are clinical studies that show that people who aren't responding to the regular SSI antidepressants sometimes have this. I would post info about it but it's not allowed. You could look into it though.

Have you tried antidepressants? Or even st. john's wort? I think you said you are unemployed. Maybe you could call your doc and see if they have any samples of an antidepressant they could give you.

One thing I would like to suggest is reading your old posts that you wrote when you were on vicodins and trying to get off. Remind yourself, firsthand, how you felt then when you were on them. You probably weren't as happy as your memory lets you think you were.

Please try to be strong. If you know you are going to relapse then I would consider sub. Just get a really really low dose since you don't have any hydro in your system. That would be my advice.

I hope you can stay strong. I wish I had stayed strong a number of times I quit.....

Debbie





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