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Hello Lovely Ladies:

I'm sorry I didn't post back yesterday, I thought about u guys off and on all night, but felt like i had SO much to say that it would take a while to write and i wanted to really think about what had been written by you all.
I still feel like i'm feeling things and not knowing how to get them out on "keys" (heehee, instead of "paper").

MICHELLE: It sounds like you are doing pretty good and that gives me hope too! I'm so sorry about your Father and the fact that he wasn't there to experience your brothers wedding. But remember, he got front seats to the celebration and was there even if not in body.
As far as your hubby goes, i can imagine how difficult a position this must be for you. I can relate to that with my Dad. He has the same physical issues as me and has struggled with addiction since he was in early 20's. So i grew up with a Dad who didn't think twice about popping lorcets for pain. And bcuz he understands my pain in ways that others don't, he is more apt to recommend "whatever it takes" to rid myself of pain. I think he just feels guilty sometimes bcuz i'm the one who got his physical pain "traits" and just wants me to feel better. He is in recovery (has been clean for over 10yrs), but is now on Subaxone for his headaches....and i feel like it has been a lifesaver for him bcuz he is the poster child for having cravings non-stop.
I'm just glad that he's being followed by a pain management dr. and is on a mild dose of the sub., instead of taking 20 lorcets a day or even taking 3 IMitrex a DAY (when the MAX dose to be taken is 3 A WEEK!!!)
Maybe you can sit down and talk to him about these feelings instead of feeling the need to shut him out emotionally. Ask him to respect your situation and to please be a cheerleader for your soberness. If things don't change after that, then reconsider his position in your life.

REACH: WOW! Did you talk to God about "who Mag's really is" or what??
This is the way i feel: I have the lowest self-esteem of anyone i know. I've always felt "less than" bcuz of my physical issues. When you've lived your life in pain and see everyone else around you functioning just fine, u begin to feel like a pain in the arse and a burden. Like i have always felt that i'm not "good enough" to have a man in my life bcuz i would bring him down....who should have to deal with a woman who is in constant pain on top of her having fatigue issues. So i would end relationships constantly when i felt guilty for being "me" just so i didn't have to feel for the moment.
My girlfriends have always been supportive, but i can't shake the feeling that they're talking about me behind my back saying what a complainer or hypocondriac i am....even though i'm truely not, i just have chronic pain.
I don't necessarily feel like a baby would "complete" me, i guess i'm hoping though that if i have a baby, i will have more desire to stay clean and be "forced" to get off my bum and fight through fatigue.
You see....I love to the extreme. I have a dog (and she is my baby for now) and i LOVE her to death...i'd do anything to make her happy...i know, i'm insane!!! But i feel like if i had a baby, which i've always wanted regardless, i would have the motivation to be what i've been fighting to be all my life....which is sober, energetic, and happy. I've been fighting an internal war with myself for about 9yrs....daily, sometimes moment by moment, i fight with myself in my head to feel "ok". And that's where pills come into play. Pills help me feel "ok".
I know that i need to get healthy in mind before i can even begin to be a happy-sober-woman. And i've been to therapy before....didn't really stick to it long term though.
So to answer the post you wrote....no, i don't feel that a baby will complete me, but i do want to share my love with a baby and my husband. I do feel pressured somewhat bcuz i had those 2 misc. last year and i know my hubby is looking forward to when we can try again (oh, he loves the "trying" times..heehee). I want to bless "us" with a baby to love and to expand our family. But i've been thinking a lot lately about how there is no good in me rushing myself. Bcuz ultimately, God knows exactly when i'm "supposed" to have a baby. I am trying to let go more and let HIM lead me where i need to go. I feel like we're always growing and learning, and i feel "stuck" and have felt "stuck" for many many years. Now i DID feel like i was alot happier and more at peace when i went into rehab 2yrs ago and was going to church and mtgs.....and i got lazy and let it all slip away.
So i KNOW that my answer for happiness and peace and baby will come if i do "the next right thing" ...and that is to do the above and then sit back and watch the blessings flow. Bcuz when i was activelly participating in what God has given me, then i can expect the goodness. But when i'm stagnet and sitting here feeling bad and depressed and angry and pill-craved, what else should i expect?????
So i guess i just answered MYSELF.....i answered what i've been knowing is necessary but TOO DAMN STUBBORN to accept.
Thank you Reach! I know that this mess of a post is all over the place and jumping from one thing to next, but you truely "reached" ;) something in me by writing your post and awakened me to what has to happen if i expect anything to change.
Like the saying goes ...... "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting things to be different"

I really care about all you girls (Michelle, Reach, Sunshine) and wish i could hug you guys right now.........
I'll be in touch soon. I'm going to pray for a bit and ask God for strength to get to a mtg. soon.
P.S., I'm on the 4mg. of sub now, had achy legs last night at bedtime...a little scared of going lower, but I'm going to try and have faith in myself and keep telling myself that I AM strong and I CAN do this.....:angel:





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