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Thank you so much for both of your replies.

You have no idea how much they meant to me and I have read and reread and reread them both over and over.

I think just posting it and writing it out for me to read was another huge step in this process.

I guess my biggest issue now is why did I do this? I am such a smart girl and I don't say that to pat myself on the back, but because I can't believe I did this to myself.

I also don't understand how I was able to take them as directed for over 2 years and how I am able to still take my xanax as directed and have done so for over 14 years.................why would have I done that?

I did not mean I would throw away the Norco. In fact, I want to get them cut down to half before I quit. Get my body used to the 6 a day I was prescribed, then hit this detox.

As for the trazadone, I am allowed to take that as needed. I wouldn't self medicate. I am going to my panic counselor on Friday to discuss getting back on it, I will not just start it. Do you think I should start it Friday though once he gives me the ok so I have that established in my system as well? It really helps with depression.

The xanax I take as .50 3 times a day. Usually skipping the midday dose. That has been my routine since 1993.

I guess my confusion as to why I can handle addicting meds for so long and never play with them, even the Norco and then do this without even realizing it has me confused.

I know it was to cover mental pain, not physical because my physical pain is under control now and was with the normal dose of the norco.

I want to get down to the 6 prescribed because then my insurance would pay 100% for a dr to help me withdraw. If you are on a prescribed, dr given dose of an opiate, my insurance will pay 100% for any treatment, followup, long term counseling............all of it. If it is at your own hands, you are out of luck. They will only pay 80% of a 5 day treatment!! 5 days????? Are they kidding me, who is done with addiction in 5 days?

My husband had a guy under him who did this "5 day" plan and sure, he got in house withdraw that cost him $1500 out of pocket after the 80%..........he was still in withdraw on day 6 when he was sent home and then he was left to his own.

The $1500 was a waste because he could have done the detox in his own bedroom for nothing! It is all scam as far as I am concerned. Insurance could care less about addiction being a medical disease. If they can't "see" it, they won't treat it.

Now, they consider physical addiction as another story and that is fine because this all started that way and until last year, I was only on my dr's dose.

So, I am planning on going down to the 6 a day which is a cut in half of what I am taking (actually a little more on some days).

I am going to start the 6 a day on Saturday because I will be getting my xanax refilled on Friday when I meet with my panic counselor about getting back on Trazadone. The xanax helps stave off the terrible anxiety and the horrible dreams that come with withdraw.

I also want to give my body time to get "used" to a normal dose again. I don't want to go cold turkey from a huge amount, I would rather do it from 6..........

I am a good quitter ;) I quit smoking, a 2 pack a day habbit of 14 years cold turkey and never looked back. When I get something in my mind that I am going to do, I do it. I have never failed so I am holding on to that hope.

Something else that I have learned about myself, I am disappointed in myself over this. I am an extraordinarily strong person because of what I went through as a child. Yes, it caused me terrible anxiety, but that is ok, I have learned to be able to handle anything because NOTHING is as bad as extreme emotional abuse.

I have a wonderful husband of 15 years and he would stand by me through anything. He and I have talked about me just shutting that bedroom door and withdrawing. He would be there for me wholeheartedly. I have been very lucky in that regard.

He also understands that my childhood is the cause of all of my problems that I have had to deal with. He has supported me 100% and has understood me having to be in counseling for 14 years because of it. He has always supported me and understood that the kind of abuse I withstood does not go away.

I have a great network of support in place as you mentioned reach. I also have an after care support in place. In my area it is called teen challenge but they deal with all ages and all addictions. They specialize in addictions being brought on by covering mental pain.

I think what happened too is that with opiates, I felt a cover up effect from them and then you don't have to deal. Well, I had been dealing just fine and I let myself down.

Ok, I appreciate all your thoughts, input and ideas...............

Blessings,
Karen





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