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I have an issue I need advice on.

I have been doing well with my taper up until 2 weeks ago. This last 2 weeks I hit my half way point and found that I needed anti-depressents, klonodine and also added some vitamins. I am not sure if my feeling bad was a side effect or because a very good friend of mine died unexpectadely of viral ensephylidis that week. At any rate, I was feeling bad and my doc started me on these new meds. I have to take something every 8 hours. One of those does fall at 12 noon. I tried to take them while at work but was finding I was feeling very tired and very sick. So I chose to go home for lunch and take my meds so I could lay down (I live pretty close to work).

The place I work, I am a contract employee and have been there 3 months. I am a hard worker who is honest and loyal. I have always been highly respected and valued by my past employers and I pride myself on it. My boss is a really nice guy who is very smart but somewhat of a workaholic. He can sit for 9 hours without eating or drinking, just work work work. I often bring him food and water because I am afraid he is going to keel over someday. Up until the last few weeks I didn't take many lunch breaks. If I did, they weren't long or I would eat at my desk. In the beginning I used to check in with him whenever I left or came back even though the other girls said they never did, but most of the time he would be on the phone or just really involved and he hates the be interupted, so I stopped doing that. I would just tell the receptionist instead. It was all going fine, he didn't seem to care or notice so I kept track of my time honestly, was getting my assignments done in a timely manner and he was happy. This last week, I was taking longer lunches due to the issue I was trying to deal with. I was telling the receptionist when I left, then when I got back I would stay later to make up for the longer time. He never said anything so I figured he was ok with it. I didn;t think he noticed even that anything was wrong with me that week and if he did, he prob. would think it was because of my friend dieing. I also had a flat tire that week and had a bank errand for him that took 45 minutes, so really I was only taking about 30 minutes more than my usual break. More for the tire and bank run. I also felt that 3 months was long enough to know you can trust someone, and if they have a bad week you would prob. ask them about it or figure it would get better. I didn't want to make an issue out of it if he didn't say anything. Well come Friday I turned in my timesheet. Honestly I didn;t keep exact track that week. It was the first time I did that. I kept track of the hours in my head, but didn;t write the exact hours down. So I just turned it in with flat 8 hours a day. I honestly feel that it is what I worked. He called me in his office to show me that he had kept track that week and had different hours. (this is a guy who you wont see all morning and will come into your office at 11 and say "when did you get here?" and you had been there since 8:30!) So it was out of character for him to keep track. One day he showed me out at 11:15 when I hadn't left until 12 ish that day. (I had gone to the bathroom around then but I came back) The point is, I couldn't argue the point because I really hadn't kept track in writing. He wanted to know what was going on because he noticed I was leaving for lunch everyday and gone longer than usual and I wasn't turning out the usual work load and said he thought I was pre-occupied. First I was hurt that he had kept track but I know he had been burned before so I tried not to take in personal. But he said that he knows I have my own business and saw me on the internet a few times. I didn't want him to think I was doing my own business on his time so I chose to tell him the truth. I told him about how I was with a pain clinic and that I was tapering off Oxy and this week was different and I was tyring to just get through it and didnt think he noticed anything was wrong. I told him I was on this healthboard getting support. He seemed relieved and ok with and said I should have talk to him. (I also felt he should have come to me in the beginning so I knew he had an issue) But at any rate, we agreed to communicate more. He told me in the future to just tell him I need to leave if I am feeling bad and that I am entitled to 15 minute breaks to use the internet. But now I am worried that he really isn't ok with it or will judge me for this and think I can't do my job. I never told him I was on the meds because people seem to think we cant function on them or if we make a mistake, it is because of that. Now I feel like I did the wrong thing. I am at the end of my grace period and I don't know if he is really ok with it or if I should start looking for a new job. I feel like asking him to extend my grace period, just to make sure I can get through this. (I am also afraid that if I have more problems he will judge me or not be as understanding now that he knows) He is the kind of guy that wont say anything right away when he has an issue. He let one girl continue working for almost 6 months until she quit even though he was unhappy with her performance. I don't want to be one of those people. I am also slightly concerned that he was so quick to mis-trust me or that I can't take a lunch break without feeling like he is going to be mad. ( I can't sit for 8 hours straight, especially with my back) I spend my whole life proving myself to people and it is very hard to feel like I have to do that again. He doesn't trust anyone and I don't know if he will ever trust me. That is a hard thing to be around. Everyone trusts me! These drugs turn you into something else in peoples eyes and I hate that.

Anyway, I can't afford to lose my job and I don't want to be blind sided one day. I don't even know if he believes what I told him and is just saying he does! For now, I am just going to get all my work done and hope I can make it through the day without having to take a break. I am not sure what he really wants. I thought working hard and doing better than his other assistants was enough, but the fact that it only took one bad week for all that to fall apart, I have to wonder what is going to happen in the future. What is the point if I work really hard for a year if it can all fall apart with one bad week?!

Sorry for the long post, just really hurt and sad and worried and trying to resolve without falling back on my taper because I am tempred to go back up so I can feel better and get through the day at work. I am also worried if my side effects get worse what I will do if it happens at work. I dont know if I can make it 8 hours every day with the way I feel! I just want off these things so bad so I can go back to my normal life again...





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