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Re: Rock bottom
Dec 15, 2007
Hey guys,

You know...I didn't realize how much I had poured out until I read your replies. I also realized that I'm still holding a grudge. Its sucks.

Jules - Thank you honey, for your kind words. That means more than you know.

Yoss - You're right. Its "even sadder" when a parent makes their child feel that way. I just remembered something about my childhood that I'd like to share...

When I was a teenager (about 13 or 14), I could always tell when my father was arriving home from work cause I'd hear the clinking of the beer bottles in the case as he walked past my bedroom door. I'd be doing my homework or practising dance steps (I was a ballet dancer from age 3 - 19). Its a memory that still sticks with me today. We had carpet in the hallway, and he had to pass my bedroom to get to the kitchen. Normally I wouldn't hear people walking by, except for the beer bottles. EVERY day he'd come home with a case of 24 beer. To this day, that sound still bothers me - brings back a memory that I'd rather forget.

I drink socially however, I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I began my road to recovery. At the NA meetings, they suggested not to drink, so I just decided not to. I know its not a problem with me, so it was easy to quit altogether.

Mk - I can relate to you regarding your brother. First of all, sorry to hear that he passed away. That must have been so hard on you to lose your brother when he was only 25.

My younger brother and I do not have a close relationship. He is 29 years old, very immature, has a VERY bad temper, and a serious issue with anger. He is a very angry young man.

My older brother and I have a very close relationship. He's 33, married with two kids, and is my best friend. He and I always stuck together when we were younger. If my parents were fighting (because my dad was drunk) we'd sit in my room, play music really loud and either read books, or just sit together hugging. When we were old enough to leave the house on our own, we'd take off outside if a fight began.

Back to my younger brother. My father had the same temper as him, so he blamed it on himself. He blamed himself for my little brothers problems. He often said "He takes after me, so leave him alone, its not his fault." If my brother started yelling or punching walls (which he often did) we'd have to just put up with it. If we "dared" to say anything to him, or call him out on his actions, "We'd" get into trouble. We had to tolerate everything he did. He got away with everything!!

There are so many stories I could get into, but I'm getting off topic here, so I hope you all get the jist of it.

Back to my addiction - Over the last couple years, I remember hearing my dad talk about my brother, something he did lately, or the fact that he lost yet another job - and I'd reach for my bottle. I often took those pills to get a buzz cause I felt like crap. I'd sit and listen to my parents talking about him, get frustrated that they still put up with it, and wonder how many pills I had left.

A couple years ago, my brother was in a car accident. He rolled his car about 8 - 10 times, cause of his stupidity. He was in the far left lane on a major highway here in Toronto, and realized at the last second that he needed to be in the far right lane - so he cut across 6 lanes of highway, hit a median and rolled his car. He was rushed to hospital and had 6 surgeries throughout the next five days. Anyhow, when he came home, I remember someone asking if he took his pain pill. Well, I definitely heard that right! The next day, no one was at my parents house, so I used my key, went into the spare bedroom and found his pills - percocet. Yep, I took lots of them, and nope...nobody noticed. For the next couple months, I'd go and take some whenever I had the chance. I even offered one time to go fill his prescription for him cause he was at home in bed. I took about half of what was in the bottle, and he didn't even notice.

Thats how bad I was addicted. I stole form my own brother - who had a head injury!! Pretty sad eh? Its pretty sad that I acted friendly towards my little brother (when deep down inside, I hated him) just so I could get some pills to feed my addiction.

I know I've gone from one story to the next, but I just kept typing tonight lol. This is a very long post, wow. Sorry for rambling guys.

I really hope I have not offended anyone with my post. There are some pretty harsh, profound words here, so forgive me if I've upset anyone.

I am off to wrap xmas presents - It will probably take hubby and I at least two hours. Emily is sleeping at my parents tonight and the baby finally went to sleep, so we're going to haul out all the presents and get wrappin' :)

Hope you all are having a great weekend - I look forward to your replies.

Much love and hugs,
emsmom (K)

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