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[QUOTE=isitme;3389522]Do parents of hardened drug addicts detach from their child emotionally, to stop themelves the pain and grief that they suffer when they are in their childrens' lives?

And to those who have had to take the above action with their child - Do you feel like it is an ever ending grieving process that you are going though?
You come to terms with them as they are, accept it is their choice etc, but then when you hear about your child from any source, all the pain returns again as though you've just be told they've died and it comes as such a shock, (again and again and again........)
Thanks for taking the time to read. :confused:[/QUOTE]

:confused: I'm on this site for the first time today, and this is the first thread I picked to read through. Why? It seemed to fit my situation, my dilemna, my concern for our family and our son. I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the last 9 years with my son. I have done the 'what if's' to the point of exhaustion. I have done everything I could think of to stand in my son's ways of self destruction. I have loved him unconditionally while voicing my disapproval of his actions. I have felt such despair because our situations do feel like a death of a loved one. I have been in the depths of depression, physically sick for 2 years, and I have rallied so many times when I thought I was completely done with him, that no one could ever accuse me of giving up on my son. Has it helped? I don't know the answer, believe it or not.

My 24 yo son has used alcohol and drugs since he was 15 yo. He has an addiction problem, but doesn't see it. He never has really. There have been no shortage of interventions for him and for us....always at our initiative, not his. That's a major reason why treatment doesn't work for him. He doesn't need it, doesn't want it. He seemed to do well at some point in time in the various treatments, but always ended up using again....because "it's not as big a deal as you make it out to be". The old 'it's not me, it's you situation; I don't have a problem, you do; why don't you just let me live my own life?; you make me want to drink when you talk like this (meaning...me saying your behavior is unacceptable). Lately, he has taken to saying, "Thanks a lot mom for your support", when I confront him and his actions and tell him I disaprove. We have never given him any reason to think we don't love him, and have gone way beyond what most people would do in pouring blood, sweat and tears into helping him to help himself.

He was arrested 3 x's as a minor, and once recently as an adult. My husband had him arrested when he trashed his room in a drunken, angry rage. I thought that he would be finally out of the house for good, but no. My husband invitedhim back in 4 days later. He has never been punished by serving any time. He is not phased by the consequenses of his actions because frankly, they are not so bad. He gets to live in our house, eat our food, sleep when he wants, work when he feels like, not work when he feels like it, etc.

He as been been thrown out of the house countless times since he was 15, but always manages to get us to let him come home. I always told our son that he broke the rules he agreed to to be able to llive with us, so he has chosen not to live with us.....as opposed to 'we are kicking you out. Early on, we both would let him come back..because we hoped things would be different for him and us. It never lasted long enough, and the lying and manipulations just got more frequent.

More recently, I don't want him living here anymore because it is slowly destroying me and the family relationship. I've been trying to fight for my sanity for a few years now. It's not easy when both parents aren't on the same page. My husband can not bring himself to leave his son on his own and to his own devices for any period of time that MIGHT make a difference. He agrees that we are enabling his behavior, but that doesn't make it any easier to put him out and keep him out. I am the emotional one and I don't think that's a bad thing. That is me. My husband can bottle up his feelings and move one with life, working, sleeping like a baby, etc. I have not been able to do that, so I've been slowly dying over time. Always waiting for the other shoe to fall...why? Because history tells me the other shoe always falls. It's just a matter of time.

I am so sorry for this long post. I didn't intend for it to be so long. I guess, I'm just still hoping that my son will someday realize that he is ruining his life and decide for himself that he needs to change things. There, I've said it. The love never dies, the hope never dies.... but the respect certainly does.

Why is he medicating himself with drugs and alcohol? Personally, I think it's unresolved issues related to having severe learning disabilities and the struggles that took place for him and us. I also think he suffered from depression and was never diagnosed. He has been resistive to any treatment where he is asked to be introspective about his life which hasn't helped either. My husbad wants to invest more money in treatment for him, and I have said no. Enough is enough. If he admitted he had problems and wanted to help himself that would be one thing, but that's not the case. I am not going to borrow any more money to invest in treatment that my son doesn't need or want. I am done with putting out any more of my energy for my son. It is long overdue for him to start putting out the energy for his own life. The hard part is worrying if he ever will. I think about the kind of life that my son could have had, or could be building for himself if he would address his problems. That's a huge loss for me to bear. I have always done the best for my children, so this wasn't the scenerio I expected. Utter sadness!

I'd like for others to respond to me. I welcome a dialogue with others who know what I am talking about. I have a few friends who have been supportive, but unless you are in my shoes, it's never going to be perfectly clear what the stuggle and sadness is like for us.





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