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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Well, perhaps for my 100th post I should introduce myself, and tell my story.

I have been addicted to a few drugs in my life...both cocaine and crystal meth 20 years ago, but I met a girl and stopped cold turkey and changed my life. It was hard but I loved being clean, after having abused myself so badly.

After about 6 years of being clean, I learned through a blood donation that I had hep c. At the advice of my doctor, I did a year of treatment with interferon...Little did i know that at that time the odds of it working were only about 5%. It didn't work. I was about 30 years old at that point.

I went on about my life drug free, but with moderate drinking. I never had a problem with alcohol, and i ignored the doctors advice not to drink ever. So about 7 years ago after a nasty breakup and a ton of stress I became very very ill. I had a bunch of terrible things happen in my life, and to top off I was turning 40 and single again...and sick beyond my wildest imagination...I was certain i was dying.

A liver biopsy showed that things were not good, and i was well on my way to having cirrhosis. New drugs had come out for treating hep c and the odds were now better...much better. After the 1st round of interferon years earlier I had vowed I would rather die than use that again, but it was the only option I had other than killing myself, which i was strongly contemplating.

I was never so sick in my life the year I did hep c TX., and I had so much pain. An old friend with MS decided to "help me out" and started giving me a few oxy's every month. That was 7 years ago, and within a years time I was buying another MS patients entire oxy script every month. After a few years things progressed to heroin, a drug I swore I would never try. I didn't even like it the first time I tried it, it was so different than oxy. It made me nod off instead of that normal lift I was use to. I later learned why.

For me hitting bottom was injecting heroin. I had spent 2 years of my life in serious treatment to rid myself of hep c and vowed to never abuse needles again.

I tried at least a dozen times over the past 5 years to quit, through various methods. I did quit several times, for a few weeks usually was all and i would relapse, just like everyone else...and every time I tried to quit it got harder to stay clean it seemed. I even tried a quick few month detox with suboxone, but not under a doctors care.

So Jan '07 I got into a suboxone program with a doctor about 2 hours away, and i have come so far. I did have a few slips along the way, but i think that is typical. The last 2 times i used were really bad. One time I used a needle that was given to me and I wasn't sure it was new....a real scumbag gave it to me and said it was, but it didn't appear to be and I used it anyways, and became really sick a few weeks later. I waited 3 months and tested for HIV and hep c and was neg..whew. Then the last time I used was this summer. it was about a 4-5 day binge on heroin...I quit taking the suboxone of course. On the last day some ultra high test stuff came around. I went out to the garage and did a double dose at once, even though i had been warned not to because of it's potency. Lucky for me, my non drug using room mate whom I was hiding my slip from came looking for me and found me laying on the garage floor unresponsive. I woke to him crying and shaking me. I think if he had not found me right then I would have died...and as stupid as that was, I had 8 bags left out of a fresh bundle and used it all. It was really tough getting back on the sub, once again...it felt like I was starting from square one, and i probably was in reality.

Since then I really view things differently, and have fully disgusted myself. things a re much better now...i have weaned down to 1.3 mg of sub over the past year, and will slowly taper to nothing over the nest few months. I actually have tapered from sub before and been clean for a month, but i had done it quickly and without any counseling, so i still didn't know how to handle triggers. I'm still not perfect, but handle things differently now, and I am really confident. I'm going to try and taper off the sub completely, against the advice of both of my doctors. We'll see how it goes. I never believed it, but counseling and exercise have been major helping factors. I use to hate the counseling and thought the group meetings were a waste of my time, but I did take some things from those meetings. I'm also back to work now too...part time for now but am always busy with something, and i think keeping busy is essential for me. It takes my mind off of my pain for a while, and makes me not want to use so i can continue improvong my business...I'm self employed and have been for 20+ years.

I actually went to my 1st ever in my life NA meeting last night. It was a very small group and not what I was hoping for, but I'll try another one. I really have a hard time saying "I am an addict". Labeling myself like that feels so negative and degrading. I even tried switching their words around, because I had to read this newcomer statement... I was supposed to say " I am an addict" and i changed it to "I am addicted to opiates". Well, they wouldn't accept that, so rather than starting something I conceded. Like I said though, I will try another meeting with hopefully people I can relate to better. NA is much different than the REBT therapy I have been using the past few years, but there are no smart recovery meetings in this area and I feel like I need more than message boards.

So that's my story...It seems like you have a nice group here, and it sure is an active place! I have done a lot of research, and have learned a lot about addiction, and like trying to help people...Usually too much so. My past few relationships are often based on trying to save someone, and while nice in theory, doesn't wind up helping me very much.

mano





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