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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Hello Flimba

I am clean for a while from both opiates and benzos ( Oxycodone and Xanax). I was on them for much longer than you, over ten years. They did serve a purpose and help me trough some excruitiating pain when undergoing cancer surgeries and the treatments that followed. Unfortunately, they also just became a routine part of my life. An unhealthy routine, an unhealthy routine both physically and mentally. Not only did my body come to depend on them, but I crossed a line and started using them to block any mental pain I suffered. Like you, I became fearful of even thinking about a life that did not include my daily doses whenever I "felt" like it. I wasn't always even sure what the heck I was afraid of. Revisiting past hurts and traumas was some of it. An even bigger part was that I was afraid of living. Those pills are great not only at masking pain, but at masking clear thinking. So that I didn't have to really face these fears, I simply kept taking pills.

I became a soul with addictive thinking and behaviour. It led to my downfall eventually and I paid dearly a high price for shutting out all the warning signals, for hiding from fear behind opiates and benzos. I had a complete, total breakdown in mind, body and spirit. I became a non-functioning sobbing excuse for a being. I could no longer contribute anything to anyone else and could not even take care of myself any longer. Fear? I was but a mass of fear at that point. Afraid to be awake, afraid to go to sleep ( when that was even possible), afraid that I would be stuck in this incomprhensible state of chaotic fear that left me pretty lifeless.

[B][U]HOWEVER[/U][/B], there is a good ending to my tale of woe. My husband packed me up and brought me to my family doctor. As I sat there crying uncontrollably and literally scared senseless, a plan was developed to taper me off the narcotics. I clung to that plan, began seeking outside resources like this board and a licensed clinical social worker, and my family and friends. Once I spit out that first full disclosure to my doctor in front of my husband, there was no turning back for me. I started telling everything to every concerned parties... all my doctors, my family, my closest friends.

It was a long year of tapering and recovering for me. Now I am facing the life without pills that I feared. And you know what? It isn't scary at all. It is a life of doing some really routine stuff like household chores and grocery shopping. It is a life full once again of sharing time with family and friends and really and truly enjoying the time together.

I am not going to glamorize withdrawal and detox... it is tough, it takes commitment and it takes a well thought out plan that includes both withdrawal and aftercare. It is a taxing process that involves the mind, the body and the spirit. It is as painful as a bad pregnancy and a tough birthing process. The end results, however, are similar in their beauty... both preocesses result in a new life filled with hope and the ability to experience joy and happiness.

Steel yourself and get started... get to your doctor and, with total honesty in every aspect, tell your story. It is such a new story to you, but such an old story for so, so many. Your doctor, like mine, has heard it all before and will help you. Please don't sit back and let these pills claim your being... get proactive and start doing something about it now.

Come back and share, okay? This board can be one of the many resources you will discover to help you along.

All best wishes

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