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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Re: Need some help
Feb 8, 2008
Hi Kelly.
I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I can't image loosing your home and living in a trailer/battling ins or whatever is stopping you from building your new home. I imagine you must be suffering from post traumatic syndrome and I'm sure this situation is hard on your family also.
I've never used sub, but I can relate to your escalating self medicating, trying to bury your sorrows or trying to just feel good again. I abused pain killers for about 2 yrs. I didn't always have access to pills so it was on again/off again for most of the 2 yrs. I always took pretty small doses and made sure the pills lasted when I did have them. When I didn't, I was not going through withdrawal because I (fortunately) never had easy access to them.
Well that changed last summer. I have a co-worker that I'm close to and her daughter, 40, died a long death from breast cancer June 30th. This girl fought a five yr battle like no one I had ever met. We became pretty good friends though all this and I was there for her Mom through every blow by blow. I became very emotionally involved with them the months before her death.
Anyway, after she died I was helping her Mom clean out her condo and found quite a few pain pills. I didn't steal them. I asked if I could have them for my
husbands back pain. She told me to pitch what was outdated and take what I want. Well, I'm ashamed to say, I hit the motherload. There were morphine pills and liquid. Oxycontin, Oxycodone and Hydrocodone along with ativan and xanax. I felt like I just hit the lottery.
So from that day in July until I ran out in September, I was using all of the above every day. I slowed down my intake towards the end of the stash, but I did run out and experienced withdrawal for the first time. Like you, NOBODY knew of my addiction (which I didn't even think I had until the withdrawals).
My husband knew I was fond of pain pills but had no idea how much I was taking. I just couldn't tell anyone, not even my closest friends, who are pretty much my co-workers anymore. I have a few long time friends I see or talk to a few times a year.
Anyway, I wanted you to know you're not alone. Like you, I came to this board to admit my addiction and be able to talk to people about it. This was my lifeline for a long time as I had no where or no one else to talk to about it.
That was self imposed, but I still have no regrets in not spilling it to the family. My mother and daughters, co-workers, would have been horrified if they found out.
I did go through a major depression, so it's good you got the anti-depressant and have what sounds like a good doctor to help you get through this. Like Tat said, wonderful people will be here for you, so keep on posting.
Best wishes my friend,
JB





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