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[B][U]Hello All my friends![/U][/B]

Baja is feelin' GREAAAT!:bouncing:

I sometimes can't believe it. I'm really on day 13. Lucky 13 they say.

Thinking back, It was worth all the pain and agony. I wouldn't dare touch another just thinking about going thru that again will keep this addict on the clean path. That Skeeered me big time and I like to think I ain't Skeered of nothing. I am skeered of that junk.

I slept like a baby again. I got about a solid 6 hrs last night. I had been so productive I sometimes surprise myself.

I have been eating 3 times a day and still hitting the suppliments which I know is helping me with the energy.

I am slowly getting back my tollerance for caffeine however I am limiting it to just one or two cans of DEW per day. I don't need another problem. I have to Quit smoking cigs and plan on starting that journey towards the end of march. I'm going to see how my stress goes before I do that.

[B][U]Hello logalind[/U][/B]
My fingers tingled also but not too much. I live in MI and it is so cold here in the winter I may not have noticed it as a symtom of W/D as much as you do. My hands are usually always tingling when I go outside especially when we get the -20 wind chill.
Breathing and praying helped my anxiety along with doing something to keep busy and keep my mind off the junk. I did the quick taper under the supervision of my Doc. My Doc gave me a couple of scripts to help with anxiety in small doses and small quan because they are BENZOS. And he didn't want me trading the Oxy for Xanax and Librium.
I have been directed to take 3 10mg librium per day and I have .25mg xanax tabs if I start FREAK OUT. Doc only gave me 30 of each and no refills. I have to see him in his office each week to monitor my progress. I have only used maybe 4 or 5 of the Xanax in 3 weeks and I have taken the limrium as directed. I'm Skeeered of the BENZOS too. I never had a benzo problem (I personally don't feel like I get a buzz off them?) but I don't need that creeping up on me. Doc and I won't let that happen.

[B][U]Hey Capt![/U][/B]
No big deal. I got you riding in my convoy here and we ain't leavin' no one behind:D. You are only human and sometimes we fall down. I wouldn't be here if I had not fallen down.

Just get the spare tire put on and flush all those other spare tires if you know what I mean and we will get rolling outta this H*LL HOLE. Buddy, It is soooo worth it. I feel excellent.

A special HUG to REACH. Thanks Hun. Your a Blessing.:angel:

I bet Tat is smilin' right about now. Mornin' TAT. Hows it going Bud..:D

Thanks to all.
and I'll keep everyone up to date.

Oh, Things are going much better with my wife. I actually got her to speak to my Doc (her Doc too) and it really did make a big difference. I now am not fearing about getting served with papers.:)

I don't mean any disrespect to the Ladies here but I think I told here when she was on a cycle if you know what I mean. That may explain some of the reaction. She has calmed down dramatically and is now being supportive. I feel much better about that.:)

Thanks Loga and Winnie,

I made a full 15 and I'm working on SWEET 16 !!!!!

I really feel totally normal.
No cravings either.
Dealing with the daily stress, anxiety and depression without the help of the JUNK.
Just thinking about sweet 16 makes me happy no matter how bad things are.

No more hiding behind anything.

No need to worry about anything. Worry won't fix anything it just makes life harder to cope. I just push those bad thoughts out of my head and think, I'm CLEAN now!

Just the thought makes me happy.

I feel like I once again have been given another chance at life. Almost like being born again.

I appreciate everyones help here. This is like my meeting away from my meetings.
Almost a home away from home.

Wishing you all a wonderful clean day.

Hey Baja and Diamond

Baja and I have talked a bit about spouses before and the aftermath of when we get clean and the reactions. Just thought I would share another thought about it.

The initial reaction is sometimes anger at the mate when a spouse finds out about the problem. I think afterwards, though, it is more of a fearful, self protection set of emotions that set in. "Do I leave myself open to hurt again?" " Do I allow myself to trust again? What if it leads me to hurt again?" "What is going to happen to me in all of this?"

I think the spouses need to take some selfish time out to deal with it all, same as we need selfish time out to get better. We need time to heal from our addictions; our spouses need time to heal from them, too.

Keep love in the equation always. Be considerate even when you are struggling. Family problem? Oh, yeah, big time. But by definition, families work together to resolve problems whenever possible. Even when it means time out from one another, we do what we have to to try and make it all work.

Hubby and I were able to work out the aftermath. It surprised me that there would be any, and it took outside help ( my social worker) to point out to me that Hubby had his own set of issues to deal with concerning my addiction and eventual transition into recovery. As I move along here and read of others who experience some aftermath in the relationship. I realize it is not unusual and even almost predictable.

Here's to the spouses and all they endure also

Cravings and urges to pop a pill. I know many write about this. For me, I did not have any mental cravings or urges to use extra pills while tapering or when I stopped. I [U]think[/U] I understand why.

I think that when I broke down so completely, I knew I was literally fighting for my life. I knew that by instinct and by the facts of the shape I was in. I couldn't hide anymore from what was happening to me. I was so open to help, so desperate for help, so scared out of my wits that I absorbed and clung for dear life to all the words of hope and help offered by people on the board and professionals in my world.

[U]I couldn't hide anymore[/U]. It wasn't an option if I wanted to live. The pills were my hiding agent. I was able to use the pills and zone out of life, including my own life. Zoning out and participating are the opposite spectrums in living. Can't live simutaneously on two ends of the same spectrum. Popping pills was a [U]habit[/U] of coping. When I decided to fight to live, stopping the habit became ingrained in my thoughts. It became so not an option for me that it just didn't cross my mind. As I began to learn new coping skills in life, as I began to discover more fully what the things were that I was actually hiding from, I became more and more sober [U]thinking[/U]. And sober thinking just did not include thoughts of using for me.

I still have urges to hide. No where near the amount that I had a year ago, though. When the urges to hide come, I have new skills that have become habit for me to use. And the skills just don't include pills.

I think that the cravings to use remain, perhaps, until new coping skills are introduced to the brain and become habits.

There was a guy who used to do a lot of posting here and often he tried to goad people, me included. No matter where any one was in tapering, quitting, and no matter how much the progress, he would goad. He was an alcoholic who had not had a drink in a long time. He was also, in my opinion, a dry drunk. He was not drinking, but he had never reached sober thinking. He had magnificent pride in his being able to not have a drink, but never recognized that he had accomplished that and then never moved forward in his life. He was stuck at not having a drink. Sober, but no new coping skills that allowed him to really find recovery and restoration that would allow him to live his life happily. Sober, but not sober thinking.

If there are urges, cravings, to pop a pill, I think we can use that as a sign that we need to learn new coping skills. Detox and withdrawal are so hard in themselves, but the need after them is to discover new ways of thinking and coping. It is why aftercare is so vital and can never be missing in our plans. Sobriety is not a single goal, but a series of non stop goals that we always need to work on.

If cravings come, they come. Know that it is simply something to recognize as something to address. The brain is falling back into something we felt was working for us at one time. A habit it has been trained to recognize as a course of action. So, we teach that old brain new tricks and when it recognizes that the new tricks are far healthier than the old one, it will accept them and make [U]them[/U] the first habit to pop into the thoughts. Don't fear the cravings... fight them with the tools you are gathering! Practice with the new tools the same way there was practice involved to learn the time tables. We keep practicng thoughts and they become second nature to us.

Never Succint
Thanks Mk And Laurie,

I feel good about the college thing too.
I have had no signs of PAWS at all. It might be because I suffer from hyperaticivity?
My Shrink calls it Hypermania. I think that sounds like I'm a crazy person but I know I'm not. I just have way too much energy and think too fast. I also have AADD he says which goes hand in hand with the Hypermainia. I'm on a med for that but I still am hyperactive.

Good news about the wife.
I got on some other boards and bought a couple books and followed their suggestions.
One thing I learned is to stop trying so hard, not be so needy. In a way just be there as a friend but basically give up trying so hard to make things work. I was also told to quit sayin the words "I Love You" ? Two days ago she was having a tuff time. I remained cool and didn't beg for forgiveness as usuall. I just told her I understood and I believe that if you love something then let it go. I think that really hit home with her. I told her I was going to make arrangements for a place to live away from her if SHE decided she wanted me to go. I was kind and understanding and I told her I didn't like to see her hurting. I said it was up to her and she had to make the decision but I would support her in what ever decision she made.

Man what a 180 on her part. I think as soon as she realized I was not going to fight and willing to do what ever she decided she did a 180. I know we have a long haul but she called me three times during work yesterday and each time she told me she really does love me. I still have not said the words I Love you back, I just say "I know you do honey."

She sees me going back to school for a RN position. She said she thinks I should go for computers. I am not only great with computers (Programing, building, repairing, networking, servers, you name it) but I love computers too. It would be my first choice for a happy job but I have to realistic (I have no college in computers, I'm self taught so I would need 4 to 6 years of school to get a good job). RN jobs are in the highest demand and I love to help people so I feel I would be just as happy in that field (I can get my RN in 2 to 2.5 years). I love to race dirt bikes too but I can't make a living at it :)

Well yesterday she was in a great mood and opened the doors for conversation, Meaningful conversation this time not [U]Baja Bashing [/U]as usual.
I also told her I had to go for the college for ME. I would need a way to support myself and my children if her and I were together or of we were not.
I think the "I don't give a shit attitude" is working. Don't get me wrong. I am not being cocky or cruel or mean, I'm just suggesting to her that I would be fine with what ever she does. I do care but I am not showing the crying and begging as I was earlier.

I think that she likes the fact that I am willing to take that task on and be strong.

I might be getting my [U]MAN CARD [/U]back soon :)

Oh , Today is day 31 for me. I made it ONE WHOLE MONTH without the junk :)

I hope this gives everyone hope that it can be done. I am a real person with feelings of anxiety and depression just like all of you out there. I have had to dig deep and hold on but it is sooooo worth it when you start to see the benefits. They are small at first but with hard work they get bigger and bigger. Here's a thought, Maybe the benefits don't actually get bigger but the fact that I'm seeing the world thru sober eyes magnifies them. [U]I'm going to go with that one [/U]:)

I really think there is hope for all of us.

Thanks again to every one and thank God it's Friday!!! TGIF

As Always,

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