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I am addicted to Percocet and Hydrocodone really bad...

edited

I don't know what to do. I have everything to live for...2 wonderful children, each with a new baby girl...I am a grandma twice in the last year. I am so sick and I don't want to die but I don't know where to turn.

Everytime I go to my doctor I want to tell him so bad but I just can't bring myself to tell him. I can't imagine my life without my pain medicine. My doctor gave me 150 Percocets June 26th and I counted them today, June 30th, and I have 50 left. I do at least 300 pills a month...what am I going to do. I can't type anymore...the tears are streaming down my face. Somebody please help me.
Here I sit.....crying so hard.....with my hands over my face.....rocking back and forth.....tears dripping off my chin and reading your words of encouragement, caring and support...written to me...a person you don't even know.
I don't know what to say to you all, emsmom, jerry, and mariecan...I am at a real loss for words.

For the first time, in my addiction, I don't feel alone anymore. I don't feel like I carry this sick secret all by myself. You have made me feel like, for the first time, I can tell and share my secret...my hell... and my hatred for it.
I hate those pills.....they are killing me and I hate myself for not having control of them.....they have the control and I hate them.

To emsmom, jerry, and mariecan, I can hardly express to you how your caring words and support for me has made me feel inside. I have a feeling of hope. I have a feeling of other people, truly, caring about another human being.....me.
I, honestly, beleived that I was the only person, in the world, that would ever take as many pills, as I do, at one time. It is a miracle that I sit in front of my computer.

I want you all to know how very greatful I am to have found you.
I beleive "you" is what I need and thank you for your warm and caring welcome to your board.

I want to share how I am feeling, with you, before I go.
I logged on to HealthBoards early this morning, for the first time, with no visible light at the end of the tunnel.
Today...I have hope. I can cry and I can share.

After crying all these tears and sharing my secret addiction with you, and I am not real sure why but it really does not matter, I feel so much better. :)
Hello my Friends...so many "thanks" to you for your prayer's and concern. I am not doing well. I am feeling, absolute, terror.

Right now...my brain is telling me to log out of here...run... and don't look back.
My heart is telling me to put it all out there for you to see/for me to share.
I am going to listen to my heart and fear being judged.



What I am about to tell you, about myself, is the hardest....most embarrassing truth....I have ever revealed to another about my, so sick, addiction(s). Percocet and Cocaine.
I have been up since Sunday....4 days and 3 nights.
Otherwise, I would have called my doctor by now.


You see, I am divorced (about 13 years now). I live in a decent home/nice neighborhood. I live alone except for my "Min Pin" that I love like no other! For the most part, money and/or lack of, has never been a issue.....unfortunatly.

My sick entertainment consists of having two of my best friend over (Percocets/Opoids and Cocaine) for a 3 or 4 night party about two to three times a month (Cocaine Use). I partake in all the festivities all the while knowing I am slowly but surely going to die. How sick I am.

I don't think I have ever meantioned, to you, that one of my character assets is "addictive behavior disorder."
Doctor's agree that one is born with this asset and
I just happened to be one of the lucky ones. Just set any drug in front of me.....I will do it until it is gone.....I will like it.....and then I will be addicted to it.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.
I love you guys...
Lisa
I am going to bed now...not real sure when I will be on again...I am so tired and so "sick and tired". I have been hallucinating most of the day from lack of sleep.

I pay to feel this way...my addiction...I hate it.

I have, both, my feet on ice packs...it is the drug trying to come out of my feet...it happens everytime when I do a considerable amount of it. They are so red and burning up and just about every mucles in my body is hurting.

I, did, get some information on a detox center about 20 miles south of my home and I am going to check on that after I rest.

I am, also, going to call my doctor now that this is over.

See you all when I rise...the Lord willing. I have been talking to the Lord alot today.

I will pray for all of you before I sleep.

Love and Support,
Lisa
Good Afternoon My Friends,
First, I want to say congrats to, reach, for your one year+ of sobriety. I, also, want to thank you for your suggestion concerning the telling my doctor.

dorskin, you are, absolutely, right about the fears that I am feeling right now. My worst fear is the w/d's and the second is the fear of living without my pills.

granny, I am so grateful to have found the board and to have made so many friends that, truely, care and lend so much of their support to me.

To emsmom, you are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I think of you often.
I, actually, have been to a rehab center very similar to the one you will be going to. I went back in 2004 for their thirty day program for my addiction to cocaine. I stayed clean for about 30 days.

To dorskin, how caring and supporting of you to take a minute from your lunch break to check in on me. I can't even explain to you how just a "check in" makes me feel so cared about. I have felt nothing but care and support from ALL my new friends on the board.
A sincere "Thank You" to ALL my Friends!

I felt really rough when I woke up about 2:00 today...nothing new to me thou...I knew I would...I always do after the three or four day thing. How sick is that, to know how you will feel and do it anyway. So Sick Am I.

I am sure you know what I did before I could even think about getting out of the bed.
I took my pain meds and, well, you know.....now I feel great.
Such a love/hate relationship.

Last night, before I layed down, the bottoms of my feet where burning like fire and blood red. When I woke up today my feet were swolllen really bad and still somewhat red but once again I knew what was going to happen...it always does. Sick.

Before, I literally passed out last night (actually this morning about 4:00am) I did some reasearch on detox centers in my area and I found one that sounds pretty good but I am still going to do some research on their methods.
I, too, would really appreciate some input from all of you.
It is call Accelerated Detoxification Technique (ADT).
This is what I know thus far about it. It is an out-patient, 3to 4 day, accelerated opiate detox. They use heavy sedation and upon completion of your detox, you go home with a "Naltrexone" implant. I am going to do further reasearch on their site and will let you all know what I find. Like I said, I would really appreciate your knowledge/feedback on this too.

My friends, as you can imagine, I am starving! I am going to fix some dinner and I will be on later.

Love you guys
Lisa
Hello to ALL my Caring and Supporting Friends,

I have not posted since July 7th.....I have been going through alot here. I ran out of pills.....I have been on the search and finding a few here and there.....doing them all up and then hurting all over again.
Finally got my script. for 90 percs and here I go again...such a happy camper now.
Such a love-hate relationship with the percocets and cocaine.
The really awful feeling that I have is I want to quit/don't want to quit feeling. I think what will I do without my drugs??? Such a sick feeling in my gut.
I live alone, well with my best friend, my min pin.
I don't have any friends, by choice, and I would not dare tell my family.....they have already been through this with me one time and my parents are in their 80's and they don't need this s--t from me. I would never ever want my children to know either.
This is so bad.....I actually enjoy doing what I do and that is the scary part. I am not so sure I even want to stop. I am really a sad and sick person.

Gotta run...will post back to all that have replied with support real soon.

Love you guys,
Lisa xoxoxo
Hello to ALL that have shown their Care and Support for me.
I have not posted for quite awhile due to my, out of control, active addiction. I am worse and sick than ever.
I am, definitly, not in a sane state of mind as of this posting.
How attractive am I?
I have been up since Thursday (other than passing out in the computer chair for how long? I don't even know.
Since Thursday I have experienced all of the following.
I have woke up in the computer chair with stem in hand and stuff all over the table and floor and continued on.
I have woke up in the bed with everything laying right beside me and continued on.
My baby, Min Pin, even woke me up when I dosed off in the chair...and once again...I continue on. What???
I don't know what day or time it is unless I look at the corner of my computer.
I have started to halucinate...I know this is from lack of sleep...been here before.
I have not answered my phone in 4 days.
Now let's throw in the rest of my sick addictions...percocets...wine...xanax and anything else I can do.
I sit here thinking about how much I should seek help and in the same thought calling for delivery.
I, also, wonder why am I doing this.

Pray for me
Love you guys,
Theresa
hi. I have 152 days clean from nearly 22 years which is half my life addicted to opiates and benzo's. While my bottom was not anything like I had heard about from others , I just woke up one day tired of feeling sick and tired. What started out ad treatment for anxiety and migraines, turned into a dollar coaster of vicodan, percodan, ultram,fioricet,Xanax,klonopin,Ativan,codeine cough medicine, and mixtures of the above. I went into rehab in march, originally to detox from the benzo'd as I detoxed myself off the opiates. Then I decided I needed the 28 days. It changed my life, and while it is much harder than I thought, it is worth it. I am on vacation in Paris at the moment, and woke up with a migraine yesterday. The chemist wanted so badly to push codeine on me, I finally got her to give me aspirin with caffeine, and it worked. I then goigled non opiate pain medecine, and wound up here. There are so few alternatives to opiates! Toradol is terrible for you I am told. It works, but can lead to renal failureand can sometimes mimic opiates in causing the trigger. What seems to work for me has been advil, Tylenol 2 and 2 for a severe pain, or zomig if I catch the migraine in time. I recently started taking topomax which is supposed to prevent migraines, so well see........ I go to meetings not daily but at least 2 x a week. I have 2 friends from rehab whom I speak with everyday, and we keep each other sober.
I was taking 20-30 10 mg Percocets for the last year of a five year addiction. I recently (56 days ago) went to my Primary care Doctor and told her what was going on. She referred me to an addiction Doctor and he started me on Suboxone. Now, there are a lot of stories about coming off Suboxone, but honestly, I have so much relief from it. No more counting pills and dreading running out, no more feeling sick when I run out, no more lying to get pills, no more waiting for hours in ER's or Urgen Dare Clinics for pills and most of all I'm starting to feel like myself again. My program is a long program that will last months and I will be tapered very slowly. I am also in counseling that has been fantastic as well. Your Doctor will NOT be angry or judgemental and will want to do everything they can to help you. My PC cals me once per week to see how I'm doing. Don't be scared, just take the leap and you will be on your way to getting out of your misery. Good luck and don't hesitate to ask for any more help.
hi all -
just started reading this thread. Has anyone heard from Lisa? Lisa if you are reading this, i hope you are ok! your story really moved me and also made me worry and want to help. i posted a version of my update in another chain, but here is a lil bit of my story too....
I, too, have a mean percocet addiction of several years... 6 maybe? maybe more.. im also a chronic pain patient (im 35) due to migraines and degenerative disk disease and i fell into the trap of eventually taking them cause they feel good not just for my pain. I usually blow through my script like u... i get 150 of the perc 10/325 and they are gone in like 2 weeks and then when i actually need them for a pain situation, they are gone. it's no way to live.
i just got my week sober... but then injured my back. i actually waited a week, took no pills or anything and then finally got cortizone shots to help with the pain (and more so to help with the amount of pills i knew i'd have to take as the pain has just gotten worse). The past 3 days I have had to take a small amount of pills when the pain has just gotten to be too much so i can physically function (i am moving and am in the middle of packing). BUT i am actually controlling my intake cause i have finally had enough. And boy is it HARD to not take more than what i need for the pain, but i just have to keep my head on straight. for me, i reached a point where i had enough, it just clicked in my brain where i just felt sick of being sick and out of control. where i just need to be sober. you can give yourself that power back too sweetie. it's a hard road for sure, but it gets easier and surely ends up easier than the place you were in when you initially posted.

you sound like you have the desire too, to change things up. just fear is stopping you, which i'll bet everyone on this board has had to struggle with especially as they take those first steps. you are not alone. not at all. and you shouldn't feel ashamed. these things happen... and they can happen to good people, hon! so dont get down on yourself. none of us should.
I've also used coke while on pills (i dont think i've admitted that to the board yet)... i dont have an issue with it like what i have happening with the percs... but if im intoxicated, i'll do it and do it til it's gone. no matter how much is there. i try to avoid places where it is but the only thing that SUPER keeps that in check for me is my fiance who HATES coke and basically forbids me to do it... especially while i struggle with pills since that mix is so dangerous. i didn't like admitting that, but it does feel good. and i'm sure it will help with my recovery.
please post and let us know if you are ok. all of us struggle, have embarrassments, fall off the horse etc... but this board is really lovely because so many people care and will be there for you through and give you great advice. they have all been through it too, so you dont have to feel alone. sometimes when i feel alone or scared, i post or just read the board to help me focus on my goal. especially now while i try hard not to abuse my meds right now and stop them as soon as I can.
it's never too late to look back into that center you found, or to tell your doctor, or delete contacts from your phone so it's harder to get drugs. All this is easier said than done, but as you take these little steps things WILL get easier andn your steps will eventuallly grow larger and more confident. and that feeling (as cheesy as it sounds) is better than any drug... when you start to get back into the world again. that's a fantastic high, i promise. keep taking steps to get there.:)
if you can, let this board help give you some strength.
thinking of you! (sorry i rambled... looks like i needed to get some things off my chest too. :)
be safe
wendy88





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