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Hi Wis,

Sorry I haven't been on the boards recently. Had foot surgry 6 weeks ago and haven't been spedning as much time on the computer.

What has changed for you that you are now "coping?" Nothing new on my end. Hubby continues to drink every night. He is exhibiting some changes in his mental capacities whihc are scaring me some. He has become very forgetful to the extent that he repeats discussions we've had sometimes within minutes. Then brings up the same subject, again, the next day! He is also having some dizziness which he claims is just an allergy problem...I wonder....alcohol comsumption has also increases to just under a pint of vodka before dinner every day.

I can't change any of this and it's not my fault. I am hoping to get back to Fla as soon as my Dr. allows me to drive 17 hrs....it was my right foot that I had surgery on so while it's still swollen I need to hang around here with ice and elevation.

How are yo doing, the children? Anything positive to report now that you've decided to stay in the relationship?

Write when you can, Wis

Be happy....:)
I have read every message on this thread. In all my lurking on various boards, rarely did I ever feel such a connection to a story or stories. This is/was my life. Amazingly.

I have been married for 19 years. Through almost all of that marriage, I have dealt with my AH's drinking. I guess the first clue should have been on my wedding night. After our reception he left me in the car and went into the bar to get some more beer. I was in my gown in the car for about half an hour before I got mad enough to get out and walk to my brother's house nearby! Always the beer.

We have two children who are now 18 & 15. I look back now on how they were growing up. Back in the days when they were in day care and he was supposed to pick them up and I would have to leave work early to get them because he would be in a bar. Always the beer. Not an alcoholic because he didn't always drink, rarely drank to passing out and only drank beer. HA!

I didn't want to leave him because the kids loved him. He was fun. I suffered and got angry and got upset. I always forgave him. I, at first, dealt with it in anger. Then I dealt with it in tears. Then I dealt with it by ignoring it and him. Oh so many phases. The same with the kids. As I said, they loved him. He was fun. Until they reached their early teen years. Then it started to change. See, then they understood what was happening. Then they started to feel shame and embarrassment. And anger. But, I didn't notice the change right away. I thought they were still the kids that loved their dad unconditionally and would hate me if I left him. Wrong. It changes as they get older. So for the last few years, we have suffered silently.

His drinking over the last 2 years increased from about 12 beers a day to about 20-30. His moods changed. He was forgetful. He was nasty. He was depressed. He was as many things as his excuses for drinking. I'm tired. I had a bad day. My knees hurt. I got in a fight with someone at work. You don't love me enough. I need more from you. You don't understand me. You never really cared about me. You never try to understand me. So all of this builds to April. We have to call 911 because not only did he drink heavily that day, he took sleeping pills on top of it. I left him at the hospital and told him I couldn't do this anymore. The kids were done! Wanted nothing to do with him. What happens next?

He doesn't drink for 2 months. Great! Then he has a day where he slips. OoPs. Won't do that again. Then another day about a week later. Next thing I know, he's now drinking vodka so I can't smell it. Like smell is the only way you can tell! Guess the April incident wasn't the wake up call I thought it would be. That's when it took the turn for the worst.

He went to work in the morning. Got done early. Went to the bar, drank his vodka and then drove. The police brought him home and dropped him off after he hit a parked car (no injuries!!!), took off and was caught. DUI, Hit & Run etc. This was 32 days ago. I thought my life was ruined. He is 32 days sober and going to AA faithfully. I have nothing to do with his sobriety but I haven't walked away from him. As I tell him, he has to want it and not for me. I go to Al-anon. I have lots to learn. Am I scared? Oh yeah!! He's facing some pretty stiff legal issues and ultimately, they will affect me and the kids. Especially with my son supposed to start college in the fall. BUT...it's not my problem. It's his and he has to make it better. If he can truly stay sober, it will be worth it. Time will tell.

As I said at the beginning of this, I have read all the posts. Especially the ones concerning the kids. Please remember that as they get older, they see things differently. What's fun and cool now, won't always be. I made that mistake. By the time I realized it, the damage was done. They are great kids. Awesome kids. Straight A and never in any trouble kids. But they are now awesome kids with a lot of baggage.
WOW - Kemarus, that was quite a post. I so hope that Wis reads your history so she can get a picture of what can happen to the kids. They are always affected by these issues.

I can relate to the different phases we go through with this dreaded problem. It's like a grieving process. I've spent the last 25 years trying to do things better, to make him happy. My hurt turned to anger and now I really don't give a rat's a** what happens. I have stayed in the marriage because of our son and financial reasons. I never wanted to be the one that broke up the family even though it would have been because of him. Our son is 29 and has been living with this his entire life. Over the years the drinking was always present but in varying degrees. My husband is now 69 and retired. He plays golf in the morning, tennis all afternoon and starts drinking vodka about 4:30 and usually can't make it through his dinner. He passes out while eating and has even passed out on the commode! It's disgusting to watch. He says he is SO tired. We probaby only spend 30 minutes a day together, if that. He, too, gets a real attitude and has a horrible temper that terrifies me. For that reason I just keep my mouth shut. This isn't about me. If finances permitted, I would have been long gone. Fortunately, we have a winter home in Fla and I usually go down earlier so I can have some time to myself and regroup. Currently I am concerned about his heath but only to the extent that it will place me in the position of caregiver. I do try to understand that this is a disease and since his parents were alcoholics as well, maybe he didn't ask for this. He admitts to being a "heavy" drinker but says he can quit anytime but he really needs it to relax at night!:mad: I just can't imagine how a person can drink until you pass out EVERY night and not have it affect your body. I am noticing changes in him lately. In my opinion he is showing symtpoms of early dementia. He absolutely refuses to see a Dr. He cannot tolerate anyone telling hm what to do so it will have to be his idea.

I am happy to read that your husband is now dry and attending AA. That's a good start. I wish you well with the legal issues coming up. I guess that can be tough.

Venting on this board is extremely beneficial to me....I don't get any backlash for not getting myself together and out of the situation. That day may be coming. I don't feel like I can, nor do I want to live like this anymore. I've gotten to the point where I know this is affecting MY health and it's not worth dying over....Interestingly, my parents has issues with alcohol as did my brother who died from it and a sister who is a recovered alcoholic. I've never lived in a home where alcohol wasn't a problem. Not that it matters, but I don't drink and never have. Maybe that is why I am so intolerant. My only hope is that my son and nieces and nephew escape this. They are all bright and very aware how this can sneak up on you over the years.

I am slowly making a plan. I am moving money around and have made gentle hints to my son that I am not happy with this anymore. He sees it and since he is older now and out on his own I don't have the guilt I had when he was younger. His dad has done a lot for him financially to help him advance in his career and we even helped him purchase a home. For that, my son is extremely grateful and I think he'll feel sorry for him if he ends up alone. It's a tough call. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.... So, until the day comes when Ieventually "blow" I keep busy with my own interests and have learned not to expect anything from hubby.


Be strong and have a great day. :)
[QUOTE=Stitcher317;3672498]Hi Wis,

Sorry I haven't been on the boards recently. Had foot surgry 6 weeks ago and haven't been spedning as much time on the computer.

What has changed for you that you are now "coping?" Nothing new on my end. Hubby continues to drink every night. He is exhibiting some changes in his mental capacities whihc are scaring me some. He has become very forgetful to the extent that he repeats discussions we've had sometimes within minutes. Then brings up the same subject, again, the next day! He is also having some dizziness which he claims is just an allergy problem...I wonder....alcohol comsumption has also increases to just under a pint of vodka before dinner every day.

I can't change any of this and it's not my fault. I am hoping to get back to Fla as soon as my Dr. allows me to drive 17 hrs....it was my right foot that I had surgery on so while it's still swollen I need to hang around here with ice and elevation.

How are yo doing, the children? Anything positive to report now that you've decided to stay in the relationship?

Write when you can, Wis

Be happy....:)[/QUOTE]

Hello Stitcher, it's me wisteria, hope you are well, write soon.





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