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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Hello to all of you. This my upteenth time at recovery actually about five. A bit of background is I have been taking some type of pills for almost 20 years. It started out with bad back pain I was in such pain I hated the drugs just wanted relief but everytime I went back they gave me something else. Eventually the pain went away but the need for that "high" I became used to did not. I was going thru (what I assumed was a tough time in my life) and I used the drugs to get by, Well I couldn't stop. Two years ago my best friend my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I took care of her for a year and watched as she slowly and painfully died, she had so many drugs and you can bet I took them whenever I could. It was during that time I started mixing with vodka. I started drinking it straight from the bottle, I felt so happy when I was buzzed didn't have to face anything everyone was always at our house playing outside I was having a blast. Well a few times the neighbors had to help me with my kids and my boys have seen me stumble more times than I like to admit. I am throughly ashamed of myself. I was able to stop the pills I basically stopped them cold turkey but last night I got drunk. I did'nt even recall the neighbor bringing my 4 year old back home as he was playing at her home. My husband came in with my 9 year old and me and my youngest were in bed watching tv so he doesn't know I got that bad. But he has seen me VERY bad. He knows of my problem and says he wants to support me just tell him what he should do. I told him not to get me pills anymore (he thought he was getting them for my back pain) fooled him huh? Sometimes I want him to threaten me or scream or something he often tells me he is dissapointed but I always say to myself if he is not mad at me tommorow I will stop I promise but I don't.
I have tried to quit before but failed, I usually will quit for a while and then say something like Oh I will just take one or two but I start right back up again.
Now I am battling two addictions. I want to quit but I hate feeling the way I do when I am clean. I get depressed feel like I have nothing to look forward to, I used to save my pills for the night time.
The thing is I feel like I HAVE to quit not like before when I wanted to. I don't want my kids to have a drunk for a mom.
Funny thing is from the outside(unless you have seen me drunk) I seem to have it all, great family, huge home, money in the bank, a lovely life so why am I such a screw up?
Thanks Roxy

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