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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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I just moved back to the East Coast today from California and I'm staying in the house I grew up in with my parents and brother for a month before I go to school in NC full time. I've been feeling better on the subutex, emotions somewhat in check because I upped my dosage a bit, but the second I stepped in my house, there is just so much negative energy... within minutes, my parents and I ended up fighting and we all ended up in tears. We talked it out but those issues are so deep and so raw, it's just painful being here. For years, I "lived" here but never really stayed here, I mostly lived at friend's houses. Now things are so different, I'm 24, I'm supposed to be an adult and wake up at normal times and act like a normal person and as easy as that is for the majority of the population, I just got done shooting heroin between my toes about a week ago. I feel very strange and dissociated right now. I don't know how to deal with being here besides using; it's what I've done since I was 15. The majority of my old friends are dead or live elsewhere or don't speak to me anymore because I've become so weird and detached and in my own world, or simply because they're clean and I haven't been.

Also, philosophically, I don't think anybody "knows who they are," but I feel like I REALLY don't know who I am, just in basic ways... as if drugs have made me so detached from myself that I don't even know what my real personality is anymore, so in social situations I'm 500 different people and nobody can get close to me anymore. I used to have so many friends and gradually they've just all slipped away from me. I'm really feeling "the void" right now and the loneliness, feeling like you don't belong in your own family, like you're from another species. That's the worst of all of this and my heart literally aches from it. I feel like that at AA meetings too and around other addicts. A lot of people say they felt so strange around "normies," then came to AA and voila! they found people who can relate. I still feel so lonely and I gave AA such a chance, 10 months of actually "working a program," sponsor, steps, everything. At this point, the future just looks very bleak and very hopeless, I'm continually declining and it's very obvious. I don't know what responses I'm looking for, I guess just anyone that can relate.

Moving across the country right after kicking a huge dope habit is REALLY hard, and I guess I should cut myself some slack...

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