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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Hi all,

Six years ago I was a "lurker" on this board while I was trying to figure out what to do about my opiate addiction...prescription pain pills to be more accurate. Then one very lonely and suicidal night, I started out with 240+ Vicodin, close to 100 benzos, and a gallon of vodka because I was truly ready to end it all. That was when I made my very first post, and I received so many caring replies while I was passed out and only saw the next day, and I was shocked at the difference it made to me. There were people who really seemed to care, and although it was via cyberspace, these people literally saved my life.

Since then, those whom I got close to either drifted away or perceived me as drifting away, and some were no longer able to post here. I put myself into a methadone program which totally saved my life and got me back to a sense of "normalcy," (what that means for an opiate addict I'm really not sure!), I was back at work, taking good care of my kids, and really working the program...stopping to smell the roses and enjoying the little things I used to call "life."

That was over four years ago, and I find myself still going to the methadone clinic (they told me upon my intake evaluation that for someone who has been on drugs of some kind or another for as long as I had been, 35+ years, that it would be a 6-to 12-month program for me. Well now I just passed my 4 1/2 year anniversary there and I don't want to do it anymore. I've tapered down from 135 mgs. a day to 100, as I'm preparing to go to...dare I say...REHAB! Yikes!!

So given my current change of thought, I was hoping to get back on here and reconnect with some of those that I spoke to in the past--Sarandipity for sure, since she also went to rehab; TwinLynn and her sister Best Friend, Christian Mom, Lisaaahub (where are you!?), Goddess Girl, Banker, Ellnyc, Philster, Rockingham, and a woman who was doing really well on methadone but it's been so long I can't remember her user name...Jen??? (so sorry). All of these folks, along with many more that my brain cells have apparently been chewing away at, helped me so much as I struggled to make my decision to even get help in the first place, and I am hoping they will somehow see this and give me more sage advice as I enter the next part of my recovery journey.

Even if I don't hear from them, I hope that somewhere in all these new names I see, that I will hear from some of you all as to any experiences you have had from going from vicodin to methadone and then to either suboxone and/or inpatient rehab.

I am SO very scared as I prepare to leave in 10 days for a 90-day stay in Pasadena (which is very far away from my hometown and comfort-level of over 40 years in Colorado!) I was married for 18 years, got divorced at 40, was single for 10 years, remarried in Feb. '08, only to have him succumb to pancreatic cancer 4 months ago. If anything can come from something bad, it was that his death gave me the resources to venture out of state (there was nothing close to home that would take me at the high dose of methadone I was on...not to mention my benzo and alcohol addiction), and after calling close to 30 facilities, this one in Pasadena agreed to take me and help me get off the methadone. One other thing I am hopeful for is that they will also help me address the issues that got me to spend my life on drugs. It's like one day I was 12 and riding my pony (yes, I really did have one! :)) and then I woke up and found myself widowed at 51, addicted to methadone, alone and scared. The clinic here was a huge help in the beginning and got me out of a lot of that stinkin' thinkin' but now it seems I've been there too long and the emotional, mental help they can offer has run its course.

So if any of you "oldies but goodies" recognize me and would touch base with me, I'd be so happy; and on the other hand, if any of you new folks whom I haven't had the pleasure to yet chat with, would like to toss me a lifeboat, I'd surely love to hear from you.

All my best to those old and new, and I am so glad to see all the new names because that just shows you the positive power that a group of people can have on each other. I wish you all good luck with your inner "demons." and I truly believe it can be done...it was for me, just for too short a time and without enough support resources. I so hope I am making the right decision to leave the methadone clinic and go to an in-patient rehab. What's the worst that can happen, I guess?!

All my best,

Dallas Alice





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