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I just need to tell my story and appreciate your comments and suggestions.

I have been on oxycodone for 4 years. I have tapered off 3 times almost painlessly using the thomas recipe but with tapering. I had been taking as directed for the last 8 months or so until last night when i took 2 and then 2 more. I am so disgusted with myself and knowing that I am using them to get more energy and have that extra perkiness (no pun intended).

It all started when i got sick with fibromyalgia. I was clean and sober for over 10 years. Then my doc gave me an rx with like 300 percocets. Me and my husband (I met him in AA) started taking them to get high. We even went out like old times and went dancing and bar hopping, but not drinking.

We had just gone through a lot with me having to stop working, us filing bankruptsy, my constant pain and depression, and him having to cope with it all. I remember the day when i just **** it we might as well drink. I had to talk him into it. One of the worst things I have ever done. We hadn't been to a meeting in 3 or 4 years. So we started drinking plus taking my percocet which my doc stopped the monthly supply and i could only get 49 a week. (only) and i never ran out but came close too many times to count.

We just stopped drinking 3 weeks ago. My husband is off the percs and tramadol which was hell. I had to keep hiding my pills and he always found them and would steal them and then I would almost run out. stressing the rest of the month- will I run out, counting my pills daily, having a med check so that I could get another months. Then my doc got tired of giving out weekly rx's and went back to monthly but if you ran out early, then she would not keep you as a patient. For a few months i only took them as directed, but like i said my husband was taking them without telling me. When I confront him he always says he is sorry but he is an addict. he took 2 full bottles of tramadol that ididn't know about because i only took them as needed. We ran out and when i got the refill, i told him no more. I also cut him off the percs. finally found a good hiding place. His tramadol w/d was horrendous but i didn't give in and give him any. I have never gotten high on them and rarely took them and didn't really understand what was so great about them. He was agitated, grumpy, and aching all over for a few days and then i told him to take the l tyrosene from the thomas recipe. Now he is ok. He was out of town last night. I got my new bottle of 180 after much anxiety about running out, and like i said, i got high on them.

I just don't want to give them up. i do have chronic pain. And have been able to taper easily in the past. I know i wont' get high on them again. But they do lift my mood and give me energy. I can't imagine life w/o them. But when i get honest, i really only need them when i am flaring.

So i guess i will start tapering. It is the only sane thing to do. but it sucks. I just needed to talk about it. I can control it for months and then i blew it last ngiht. in the past i would cut my dose by a quarter of a pill a week and could stick to it and it was pretty easy to do. Part of me thinks it is unfair to have to quit when i have only got high once in a long time. But they do give me a sense of well being that is hard to let go of.

i know this is a long post but if you would comment, I would appreciate it. Thanks

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