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Still fighting...
Mar 24, 2009
I am a 34 year old female who is STILL struggling with opiate addiction. It started so many years ago I get confused myself. I think it started about 10yrs ago when I was Rx cough medication with codeine and I realized if I took more than I was supposed to it led to a great feeling...but then I look back further and realize that even in high school I was chasing that feeling (numb)...

I drank (back then we would fill our 32 ouncers from 7/11 with sprite and vodka or whatever we could think of..that lasted for about 3 of my 4 high school years-and anytime one of us got a chance to get some vicodin THAT would be the best time ever. I know in this age of "E" and with all the other stuff that was out there (coke, meth, heroine etc..) this all seems lame..but I think it was easy to get from our parents cabinets and it seemed "not as bad". That theory actually got me through grad school-I graduated with my Masters degree , all the time with the idea that there is NO WAY that I am an addict because all that I use is Vicodin (or anything in cough syrup if I couldnt get the pills).

I would even go through withdrawls thinking that it was Ironic that I caught the "flu" at the same time that I was trying to come off of the Vic. Well my family is full of addiction (mostly alcholism which for some twisted reason is more acceptablel to them-I guess they are use to it)...

when I realized I needed help it was after the death of the closest person to me-my grandmother. The one who had been my best friend and KNEW about me and that I was not-perfect as my parents wanted to believe. For the first time I actually went to treatment. Outpatient for 30 days...

my family erupted towards the end of my treatment (mom calling and telling me that she hates me...no apparent reason. I had taken over the mortgage for the house I grew up in as my parents built a new home...although I was paying OVER the mortgage so that they would make some money off of it-my mom still felt it was okay to call me the day before my bday and tell me that my uncle would be moving in as he had no where else to go...recovering alcoholic who was clean but far from sober and with whom I had a VERY strong aversion and history with).

I moved fast into apartments I had lived in before and I made it 17 days after that conversation before I relapsed...I believe I relapsed to get "more time" in treatment. However I was not given more time because the insurance company didnt think I was invested as I had not attended "meetings-NA AA etc...) I was too terrified to attend meetings. I have a job where I work with people in recovery dealing with their past and their present...I could likely run into one of them and wasnt ready for that yet.

So i was done with treatment just that quickly. I had actually made it 31 days when I used but since it was during a weekend I didnt get my coin..believe it or not that hurt. In 2008 I relapsed again (the most time I have had sober in the last 10 years is 8 monhts)...in 2008 I used harder and more than I ever had before. Never changed drug of choice...just used more. It was a blur.

My significant other had an affair and when he told me it was so clear that it hurt him more to tell me than it hurt me to hear it-I was still numb. He said I wasnt "there"-wasnt "present" "even if you are sitting next to me on the couch you arent here"..and he was right. His actions werent right but he was right. He isnt a cheater but he cheated and I decided to forgive him and start recovery. He has no idea about my use...due to his mother being an addict and so forth I have a fear of telling him. I KNOW I should tell him and it would explain alot but there was so much in my life that happened in 2008 that any of it could explain my lack of feeling and presence. He admitted his affair in February of this year (it happened six months ago but since we had been getting closer and things were seeming better he couldnt hold it in..and I do believe that)...so I dealt with it and now here I am READY to be done.

For the first time since I was 15 1/2 I am off of work. I work for the county so I am protected. I was actually taken off for my blood pressure. It was at stroke level and I had been walking around like that knowingly for several months-my Doc wrote me out till the middle of April stating that I shouldnt be surprised if it is longer. She has no idea that I am using this time also to get clean. I am not going back for formal treatment I am doing this by myself with some of the support of people I met in rehab when I went.

I am journaling (STRONGLY ADVISE THIS) and I am looking up things to assist me..worksheets and things online (which is what we did in rehab) to get back into that state of mind. I am not a "God" person and I found that the AA book was too intense..I have instead read a booklet from NA that explains the 12 steps in a way that I can relate to. I actually think they are like "common sense" ways to live your life.

I am still detoxing. I am using the taper method (with something other than my drug of choice which ended up being Tussionex-the syrup I am using now has less hydrocodone per tsp but it would be EASIER to get addicted to as the Tussionex is time released so you dont get that "feeling" as quickly as you would with the stuff I am tapering with..I seriously only use what I am supposed to and dont find any high in it at all)..I also have been on xanax for a few years as I have unbelievable anxiety and I use it to detox..it does not make me get high. It actually effects the same part of the brain as alcohol and other than in high school I have never been into alchol so I dont think there is an issue there (plus i was very clear with the psychiatrist about my addiction and he is aware that there could be a problem and there never has been)- I am also on Wellbutrin for depression...very good but can activate anxiety. It is ironically used for addiction as well (mostly tobacco I think)- it decreases cravings..clearly my addiction was beyond that.

Anyway this is long and rambling and I have no idea if anyone will read this but please know that I just completly understand and have been through the withdrawls (hopefully this is the LAST time)- I also know that when you are "successful" and educated it is easy to convince yourself that you are different and you cant be an addict. Or that the drug that you are using was Rx so there is nothing wrong with it....that thinking couldnt be farther from the truth-Addiction is addiction and an ADDICT is anyone who has a problem with something that causes them difficulty managing their daily life. I was a clock watcher (when can I take it again??) I was a Dr. Shopper...takes a lot of time out of your life to do these things.

Well hopefully someone will write me back. I dont know how that happens but I look forward to hearing from anyone!
Michele.





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