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Well, looks like I'm replying to myself. I'm just going to keep writing even if I don't hear anything new. Hopefully, folks won't get tired of me.

Yesterday, I plotted out a 10% detox timeline and it looks like it'll be November before I'm clean, that is, if I've done the math right.

Last night I made it to a meeting. Frankly, although the speaker told a long and poignant story of his 20 year recovery, I felt sort of withdrawn and uninvolved. There was no other sharing by people, just the speech then the Serenity Prayer.

I'm going to try a different kind of meeting today at noon in the hope that I can interact in some way. I went prepared to make some big confession and then get a lot of pats on the back. I think my expectations were out of line. I *did* get a feeling being in a room of addicts that we're all in this together.

For some reason before I left, maybe fear and anxiety, I took a 30 mg dose, making intake 120 mg for the day. Yesterday, as I think I wrote, it was only 90. I did that by taking my first dose later in the day, around 11 or 12. Meanwhile, I have a prescription waiting to be picked up at one of my pharmacy--while I still have half a bottle in its secret place. Guilt is becoming like a jacket I put on everyday.

It's a quiet morning here, kids getting ready for school without protest so no stress at the beginning of the day. Day by day. . . . one day at a time, or in my case, one hour at a time. . . .
So many kind people here. This place is such a relief.

OK, quick update: I have to say that even as a nursing mother of a newborn I never felt as tired as I did the first few days of this week. The restless leg syndrome was ghastly, bathing, pacing, icing, push-ups, oh, my dears, what a nightmare. I kept thinking that this must be what CT is like. Then, yesterday I was hit with ghastly nausea due to taking my new iron supplement on an empty stomach. Finally, last night there was only a slight involvement in one arm and I was able to sleep, so today I felt much better, stronger, still tired, but quite functional.

That was the physical element. The fatigue led me down into a brief, but deep depression. My psychiatrist was out of the office til Tuesday, so I had to wait all weekend wondering if my supply was going to run out before I could get into treatment, wondering if he even was certified. Well, he's not, but he referred me to a colleague who is. I couldn't make an appointment til Thursday of next week, but it's carved in stone.

On the drama front, I was down to my last 5 pills and in a full blown anxiety attack, tearing up, pacing, praying, praying, praying, when, blessedly, my PCP renewed my rx. The 40 that used to last me a month, of course, now only lasts about 5 days, so that wasn't going to get me to next Thursday. I tried calling one of the other prescribing docs, but his voice mail box was full. Then, I thought, well, let me try the black market and the strangest thing happened.

I had called this guy several times earlier in the year and he'd helped me a couple of times, then he stopped answering my calls. Last night was different. He answered, and said, yes, he could help. So, today we met and I got 90 7.5/500. Now that sounds like a lot, but because I'm taking 90 mg (although the last few nights I've maintained at 80), those 90 really only represent about 7 days. However, between the two, I'll have enough to last until the sub treatment finally begins.

When we met, I thanked him. Out of the blue he told me he'd been in rehab and was clean for 5 months. I started crying, told him I had an appointment on Thursday to start sub because I just couldn't go on anymore like this. He said he'd pray for me. Now, I have to tell you, that was beyond a doubt the most unusual drug deal I ever had.

The doc who's going to manage my treatment said that the intake session is about 90 minutes, then there's a follow-up visit a couple of days later, and as I understand it, that's when the treatment begins. From what I've been told here, I expect that I will have to have begun the WD symptoms.

It's a wonderful feeling knowing that this great companion of mine, you know the one, the monkey on my back, will soon be gone for good.

Meanwhile, I think I mentioned that I'd told my best friends, a married couple, about my addiction and they have been wonderfully supportive. He's walked this path, as he has 25 years sobriety from alcohol. Then, yesterday, when I was feeling so sick, and sad, I told another friend, one I've had for over 30 years. She's been an angel. On a roll, now, I also told my cousin, another nice middle class mother, who'd gotten strung out, too, but her drug of choice was meth. And, tonight, I told my oldest son. So, there you have it. All of the really important adult people in my life know the truth.

Now, as to unresolved grief issues. I don't think that's what behind my abuse. It's certainly an easy target, though. However, I was in deep grief counseling from about 6 weeks after my husband died for at least a year, alone, and with my children. I have dealt with it. It's a well read book, but it's one that is over. We can make things as complicated, or as simple, as we choose. Frankly, this abuse began as a result of a series of surgeries, then turned into something of a pleasureable romp. Then, finally, a rather frightening monster for all the reasons we've discussed, from the legal, to the potential for serious liver and brain damage.

I *will,* however, be going to NA meetings. I need that kind of insight and support, although I have to say that this site really is quite extraordinary in those qualities.

You know something strange? I have this sense of the upcoming detox not being a bad experience, rather, it feels like it's going to be more of a blessing. I'm not afraid. I'm eager to begin. No more ambivalence, no more fancy dancing, just an end to this debilitating and soul stealing dependence.
NP, I sure hope the appointment is Friday. That's what I've got in my calendar. If I made a mistake and it's Thursday, ye gads, what a horrible unconscious error. I'm not going to be back home til Thursday afternoon. Oh, man oh man, now I'm worried. Sheesh. And it'll cost me a fortune, too, if I'm wrong. Well, gotta let this go til I can call tomorrow morning.

Brian, back in the days when I used to really struggle with my weight, HALT was what could help slow down the urge to eat. Thanks for the reminder. I think it'll be a good tool.

Sometimes I think this isn't going to be so hard, then I read more on here, and the process looks so daunting.

I'll dump all my "left overs", and get off the email reminder lists--even if even thinking about it gives me some anxiety. But having read that the sub completely nullfies any effect of the hydro is very reassuring knowledge. It somehow gives me confidence that I won't be tempted.

I'm just so curious about this whole thing. If my appointment is on Friday, does that mean I have to wait til Monday, a business day for the doc, to start? Will I be asked to think this over for a few days? Or will I be told to just jump right in? It's an hour and a half appointment. He must cover a lot of ground. I wish I'd asked more specific questions when I set up the appointment.

Also, my physiological response to hydro seems so varied. How is it I can go for 16 hours with no WD symptoms? Then, after I take a dose, I'll want another one maybe as soon as 4 hours later. I know, these are questions for the doctor.

I've really cut back on my coffee consumption in the last week, so hearing you say I'd be tired was a bit of a jolt because I don't want to jack up the caffeine again. I guess I'll just start planning on mid-day naps, not try to fight it, just go with the flow.

What a mix of emotion I'm feeling right now. Eager, anticipatory, yet, in all honesty, there's a regretful component, as well. But, really and truly, it will be such a relief to just be free, free, free. Maybe I'll celebrate Friday evening and go to an NA meeting. It would be a good thing to be able to say "I've just turned my first corner."


Enough for now. More later.
36 hours into this process and still no WD symptoms. Not even jonesing. That said, however, I haven't been out to my office which, as we all know now, is where I work and keep mother's little helper, and where I may well face the first real trigger.

I didn't work yesterday, just kept busy taking care of the daily requirements of life, you know, groceries, back-to-school shopping (had a $15 off coupon for Office Depot--couldn't let that expire) even though I was pushing myself to do these things because I did feel tired and a little jittery, with a slight overlay of anxiety. Then, with just a little over a couple of hours to go til my doctor's appointment, I went to the movies by myself.

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I just got a call from my doctor and he was totally amazed at how well I'm feeling. He said something about the half life of hydro, waiting longer to see how it goes, and how wonderful it will be if I don't need the suboxone. I'm to call him if anything changes, and then even if nothing negative comes along, return for a final sort of pep-talk visit about behavior changes, etc.

So, I guess that's all for now folks.

To all of you who are reading this, I wish you a blessed day





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