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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Denon and Kew, thank you so much for your long and thoughtful replies.

Denon, it was reassuring to hear the echo that you, too, felt you wrote better under the influence. I'm not sure that I write *better* as much as it is simply being *able* to write. Under the best of circumstances, I'm a slow writer, not exactly methodical, but more contemplative and critical, in self-assessment as I move forward, editing, editing, editing along the way, and then finally letting it rest until the final edit.

Also, I like your approach to survival as to not numbering each sober day. Reaching that 30 day mark *did* seem like such a powerful goal. Maybe if I'd just been a little more relaxed, less focused I might have been able to envision myself in long term recover....

Funny that you mention journaling because a friend just brought me a beautifully bound journal as a gift from a foreign trip. Perhaps it should be the record of this journey. Although I have to say that this thread has been something of a journaling process for me.

Kew, your explanation was a real eye-opener. I had no idea that the recovery could be so fraught with all of these auxilliary feelings of irritation, incompetence, irritability, etc. I think that because I didn't drift into depression I felt like I'd dodged some bullet, but I really thought I was supposed to feel better fairly quickly once all the WD symptoms passed, albeit they were fairly gentle.

I suppose there's a certain amount of relief in knowing that what I experienced is just the normal passage of events, even though I don't like it. LOL I'm a fairly patient person, you have to be with as many children as I've had, but the thought of this process taking a year is utterly daunting.

Well, that wagon is still moving alongside me; I'm not exactly on it, although I'm not letting it out of sight. I have to keep reminding myself that what looks like a small amount to me
(1/3rd of previous dose), to the normal world it looks like a lot.

I just read one of this morning's aol news blurbs that some sports figure was found with a "massive stockpile" of drugs that consisted of around 262 vicodin, 180 Soma, steroids and residual powder cocaine. Well, when I read the vicodin count, my initial thought was that that's not so much, definitely just for personal use. One rx of mine is 120 for 30 days, another is 90, so if they're both on hand my stockpile wouldn't be too far behind that count. It was a real punctuation mark to my twisted reality to see how the world views quantity.

I'm not using every day, and when I do, it's far, far less than before I quit. But, and I just have to force myself to be honest here and it's really hard to acknowledge this, for the past week I *am* using again. And, speaking of twisted thinking, I find myself playing this broken record, "I can handle this. I'll just take the minimal dose, and then do that rarely."

Oh, I can clearly see just how demented and self-serving is my thought process. So, I've just got to keep looking for those boot-straps with which to pull myself up again.

Pervasive paranoia helped me last time, but I haven't reached that point again as I continue to sort of justify my use. I've got lots of "justifiers," such as, in my little community it's very unlikely that Johnny Law's intervention would lead to CPS taking my children if I were discovered, and I'd probably be lectured rather than incarcerated. (Example: my daughter at age 14, after drinking a beer, late one night took one of our cars and drove down the main street, jerking to a stop and starting up too soon, and was pulled over by the sherrif who brought her back home rather than to the lock-up.) Not that it's not impossible that I'd be booked, if that's what it's called, but I'd probably be let out on my own recognizance and have to go into some kind of follow-up treatment, NA meetings, etc. That said, it might reach the little local paper which publishes all the crime in our town and that *would* be mortifying.

Meanwhile, I'm working for several hours a day. I had begun to manage about an hour or two before I slipped, so I was already on the path, hence I can't say I'm comfortable in asserting that the increase in output is because of my "use", or if it's just because I had already picked up some momentum.

Kew, I hadn't thought about this as a chronic "relapsing" disease, and I have to admit that when I fell off the wagon I didn't see myself as one of many, rather I felt like I was an isolated case, especially as there seemed to be so many solid folks here who've managed to stay clean for so very long.

Also, I'd forgotten how much our experiences parallel each other in our response to the hydro. We really are in the same pod, but you've been so much more successful with over 3 months clean. It seems pretty clear that the sub *has* helped you with sobriety.

Honestly, and please forgive me this wretched weakness, I just can't bring myself to toss that bottle. I'm not doc shopping anymore and my rx will last much longer than 30 days. So far, one dose*is* enough. It's probably a false feeling of ability, but I feel like I can manage my use. Oh, that sounds like such a junky-like excuse. . . .

It *has* become clear to me that stress is my most powerful trigger. After we returned from the 3 day fire evacuation, I went through several days of really feeling quite disoriented, in spite of the fact that I had remained very calm during our absence, accepting the fact that we might lose everything. (Today there's a breakfast at someone's home on my street to bring a closure to this experience and I think that will help resolve any remaining issues.)

I didn't take it for euphoria, or even pain as all the residual headaches had abated, and the acupuncture/pressure really seemed to manage my back pain and really the intense cravings had abated. I just quite simply took it to alleviate extreme pressure and when I did it was like I was watching myself in a movie, sort of like an out of body experience. I can't afford to have more acupuncture treatments as I had a huge vet bill this month which really hit the old discretionary budget pretty hard. Dang dogs. (4 really is enough, rather like children. LOL)

I received an inquiring email a couple of days ago from one my friends to whom I revealed my addiction and I haven't been able to respond not wanting to fess up. That's next on my agenda this morning.

If y'all are sick to death with my ambivalence, I understand. Usually very decisive, here I am waffling again.

I'm wondering if the 10,000 plus "views" of this thread actually consist of people reading through all the posts. As I've previously written, there must be something that resonates with folks about the title of the thread, as well as my halting journey.

So, in closing, dear friends, I've had to confess here that I'm back in my addiction and with my twisted thinking, letting myself almost believe that I can control my use. Sheesh, I could have started a blog where people would end up using the same keywords that brought me to this site.

Oh, and one more thing, has anyone else noticed just how many people come to this board? I think it gets more attention than any of the other health issues here reflecting the degree that addiction has permeated our culture.

OK, basta, finis, for today.

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