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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Good morning reader,
I just went over to your other initial post "scared..." and couldn't believe how similar we are in this struggle! We could be mirror images! I, too, was getting 4 prescriptions thru internet sites some for 90 norco, some for 100 and even 120 count. Anything less than 4 rx's a month wasn't enough to keep my habit "right where I wanted it". I, too, would hide my pills at work, in various drawers, mostly at the bottom of drawers and would have to keep close records on what OCS went with what RX so I didn't get messed up when I had to send my med records in. I would also be thrilled when I'd get a tracking number, that was the initial high of the process....almost felt as good as getting & taking the norco. I'd be in such a great mood knowing I still had some pills and a new bottle was on the way. Sometimes I'd get a bit greedy and take maybe 16 or 18 in a day instead of 13 or 14 and would then run low before my next order would come. Then, wow stay away from me...I'd become terrified and frantic and irritable and would then try to go to a dr. in town to get some vicoden to hold me over. It really took up my whole life. As much as I tried to be "normal" at work and at home and fooled myself into thinking I was, I know I wasn't. How could I be with all of this focus on how, when, where, my drugs were coming from. I know I was absent emotionally and distant from my partner and my daughter. My counselor last week said, don't fool yourself and think this wasn't affecting your daughter because it was/is. Kids are so intuitive,they know when something isn't right. My daughter is 9 years old and just when I started the suboxone I tried to talk with her about it on a level I hope she could understand and not feel scared about. I told her that when I had 2 surgeries last year the dr. gave me medicine for the pain but when the pain stopped, I kept taking the medicine and that I couldn't stop taking it and that's what an addiction is. I related it to people that smoke and try really, really hard to stop and they can't or sometimes they do for awhile and then start again or sometimes they stop for good. I told her that my new dr., the addiction specialist/psychiatrist is giving me some medicine that will help me to stop taking the other pills that I couldn't stop taking by myself. I then asked her if she had any questions and she said, "yes. Can I go out and play now"? Typical kid response. She didn't seem scared or all that interested I don't think. One of my former outpatient counselors said to me that "If our children are aware of our disorders’ nature, they can remain detached and less impacted. It helped me once to remember that “we are sick people trying to get well, not bad people trying to get good…” This was a good thing for me to think about.
When you said that perhaps you were using the hydro out of lonlieness or in the place of a relationship, I think there is truth to that....I was distancing myself from my partner and clearly replacing our relationship with my intimate relationship to my pills. I truly was in love with my hydro. I dream about them, fantasize about seeing one on the floor that I may have dropped long was my lover, friend, and the one thing in life that could make me feel so good. It's hard to say good-bye to it, I still think about it every day.
Well, sorry I've gone on and on. I've got to get to work but wanted to tell you that I also take Trazadone to help me sleep and to help with the depression too. I also left out Wellbutrin which my doc recently added as I felt I was sinking into a deeper depression, maybe because I lied and was holding on to this secret for 2 years? Nobody, I mean nobody knew about it....I function very well on hydro. In fact I think in the beginning I function way better on it than I do without it. My brain feels sharp, I am more extroverted and social, I'm happy and fun to be around....I've often felt what you said you feel, that if it wasn't for the thousands of mg's of tylenol, the brain changes, the liver damage, etc. I'd probably want to be on it forever. The problem is the more I take, the worse I feel. The increase of tolerance is what makes it unable to provide me with the effects I need. The nice thing about Suboxone is that it has a ceiling so that it isn't the more you take the more effects you get. It works the same at 2mg as it does at 16mg and taking more does nothing. So, it will continue to work at the same dose, and remain just as effective as it was when I started it, kind of like our antidepressants.
I'm so happy to be out of that "rebound" pain I would get in the mornings from not having any hydro from 4pm until the next morning. At the end a few weeks ago, I could barely get out of bed in the morning I was so achy and my body just HURT. I had to get up and sneak out to the garage to "feed the dogs" and snatch my morning 50 mg. so I could function before I went to work...
Well, reader, let's keep in touch, we are on this journey together and it feels good to have a friend in this. Let me know how your day goes, will you?

Take good care,

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