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I can't figure out what's up with me, and I thought some wiser minds might be able to give me some insights (I know that sounds kinda strange, but...that's just how I am ;)).

I'll be off opiates (tho still on suboxone) one year on 7/17. For the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking about the old stuff again...Norco/Vicodin/codeine were my DOCs. I don't want to trigger anyone, so I won't get detailed, but several times a day I'll just think about the way I used to feel when I used (the false-euphoria, not the bad stuff :mad:).

I also have chronic pain, and my pain level has been off the charts lately. Just got back from a 2 week vacation, and rather than being relaxed, I'm wound up in knots. Trying to distract myself by [I]doing[/I] not [I]thinking[/I], getting as much exercise and rest as I can (both are difficult because of pain).

I'm wondering if I'm trying to sabotage myself, if there's an "anniversary" thing that kicks in (tho I haven't felt like this at any of my other important anniversaries, but this will be a big one for me), if my brain circuitry is shorting out because of the pain...

This is very worrying to me, because thus far, recovery has almost seemed [I]too easy[/I]. Obviously the sub is helping a lot, and maybe the cravings are coming back because my doc is lowering my dose, starting to taper, but I'm still on 4 mgs/day, and that's not a low dose.

I see my doc this afternoon, and I'm going to talk to him about it (altho he and I don't have much of a rapport, I've got to be truthful with him). I'm hoping he doesn't want to raise my sub dose again, because I just want [I]off[/I] this [email protected] drug, but if he does want to raise it temporarily, and it would help, I guess it's dumb to be resistant?

I'm worried, scared, confused....I don't want to talk to my family about this, because I put them through enough when I was using, and they're all saying they're starting to trust me again, and it's nice having the "real" me back again....I just don't want to worry them, or have them think every time I'm tired (pain doesn't let me sleep very well) and a bit groggy that I'm using again.

Has anyone had anything like this happen to them, and what worked for you? I just [B]can't[/B] relapse, but these cravings are hell!

Sorry for the long post, grateful for any help.

rose





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