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Hello Kew,

My name is Beverley and am a recovering addict. My addiction was LIQUID MORPHINE which my surgeon put me on for my chronic physical ilnesses. Anyway 16mths ago i went into detox for 10 day's and got off the stuff and they put me on 8mgs of suboxone "BAD MOVE" but never told me it was more addictive than heroin??? I was only on a low dose and tapered right down to 1mg and fell apart to the point i was near deaths door with my chronic withdrawals so i went to my doc and he had to put me on METHADONE 25mgs to stop what was happening to me. But ur question about being in recovery well "YES" your classed as a recovering addict. It doesn't matter if ur on the sub or meth ur still classed as a recovering addict because ur not using as such!!
Sorry im probarly not explaining it properly to you. Your a bit hard on urself,you should give urself a pat on the back and say welldone have been clean for 2months and should bevery proud of ur acomplishment as it's a big one. Also never feel alone in ur recovery as there are many people to talk to about allof this. The only negative thing that ive come accross is the stigma of being a DRUG ADDICT!!! It's like when i used to go into my pharmacy to get my morp they treated me like a queen then when i went on the sub programme they turned on me and have treated me like shit to put it politely but now if there nasty i get nasty back as we should not be treated with any disrespect as we are trying to stop using drug's and they should look at it that way. If you need any advice or need to talk please let me know and i will be there for you.



I think it will get better, I know it gets easier but it seems like a rollercoaster is the most constant way of describing recovery, at least for me. There are times it's really hard, times it's easier, times you even forget you're an addict and fighting this thing (I could use some of that now!!) and times it just "is". I've been trying really hard to notice my thoughts and messages in my head whenever I'm feeling really down or struggling. I try to identify what the thought or message is and usually it's something negative like, "I'm a loser b/c I can't live life sober & happy", or "my life is being wasted because of the stupid mistakes I've made"....then I combat that message with something like,"life is a struggle for everyone, there are good and bad days and today can be a good day if I make it that", or "I made mistakes like everyone does, and now I'm taking responsibility and doing positive things for myself and my life so I'll be happy and can look forward to good things". Sometimes I don't believe the positive stuff I make myself say or think but I do it anyway because I do think it helps. Act as if.....I've heard that hundreds of times and I really do think it works. I'm sorry you've been having a tough time of it lately. I do hope that the increase in the sub will help you to feel better. I also take an anti-depressant, Effexor, and also just began taking Abilify, which is an anti-psychotic but also used to help boost an anti depressant that isn't working as well as it used to. The first couple of weeks on the Abilify I felt great! I was really energized, thinking positively, feeling really good and then it just kind of flattened out. I have to keep telling myself, nobody feels good ALL of the time. I need to be realistic in my recovery and if I have some days that are great, a few that are ok and a bad one here and there, that it is OK, that is life and I need to accept it. I realized that the messages I got as a child didn't necessarily set me up for reality as I got older and became an adult. I need to go back in my head and change those messages so that I can accept life as it is and now how I think it should be....I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well. Please keep me posted on how the increase in the sub goes for you! Take care! I put a good 150 miles on the bike this past weekend~! What fun!

Hi Kew
Day three of higher dose and switch to subutex is working. It feels like someone turned down the volume in my head and an overall calm has assended upon me. Thank God is all I can say. ;) I dont want to be like that again if I can avoid it. Thanks for your words of encouragement. You not kidding about the rollercoaster. Even though I am going through all this crap I still feel way better than I did two months ago. It gets hard at times juggling appointments, picking up my dose and working fulltime. However it is all worth it if I can live a life free of addiction which is I guess all our hearts desires. Its also true about having to realise that some of the stuff we feel is "Normal." We ahave spent so many years avoiding feeling any way we can that we dont really know how to cope with feelings. It is normal to have days that are not so good at times. If you are anything like me when those days come I initially panick and the thought patterns kick in saying run run run. If you take the time to re program those thought patterns you can quite often abort depression or anxiety or both. I hear you about the messages received as a child. I am 48 and my mother can still bring me to my knees with her words. My dad died recently and his words still echo in my head at times. You are useless, no good, wont amount to anything etc, etc. It is hard dam hard to re program all that crap that has been put in our heads. I try to look at my mum now as being old and I know she never really meant to hurt me same as my dad and I dont want to hang onto the past. It is hard but can be done. It shows you how much influence you can have on your children. That in itself brings a whole new string of "if Only's" for me. I know I have hurt my kids badly because of my addiction and mental illness. But as my son said to me not that long ago (he has Bi-Polar) "Mum we adults now and responsible for ourselves so stop beating yourself up for what happened in the past." Wise words! But still so hard to forgive yourself! Take care and ride safe!:wave:
Hi Kew
Into week three and cannot believe the difference between those two meds. The subutex for me does still make me a little out of it for about an hour. Other than that it is way better. The problem with subutex here is the conditions around its distribution are much stricter due to the possibility for abuse. It gets me angry that people abuse things like this cause it makes it hard for those of us who really do want to kick addiction. I am suppose to go 12 months of daily dosing before being allowed to take doses away. I know they can work outside the guidelines as they have given me a couple of take away doses due to work commitments. I really want to stay with the program but they make it so hard. I am on 6mgs which is enough for me to stop the cravings and allow me to work on the thought patterns. I am still trying to get off the anti depressant I am on as it clashes with the sub causing extra drowsiness. Had to take it back up this week after experiencing some nasty withdrawal effects of it. Guess I have been on it for 15 years so will take a little while to get off it. They would like me to be on at least 8mgs of sub but until I can get off the dothep it has to stay down. Man I never want to go through this again. My husband and I were planning a trip to the Moto GP Phillip Island Australia in October. Because of the dosing restrictions which get worse from one state to the next it looks like we wil be flying not riding. I was tempted to tell them to stick their program but then thought about the consequences of that an decided I just hav to get through this challenge. Here the only doctors that can prescribe the subutex are ones registered to distribute under the opiate substitution program and each state has its own regulations. So for me to travel interstate I have to re register in each state I go to so I can be given the dose. It really is restrictive. If they want people to stick to this program they need to get it together and treat people as individuals and not put us all in the same box being "Addicts." Because I have a past history of IV drug use they are even stricter even though I have not injected in over 6 years. Frustrating to say the least. However it beats spending every day looking for the next fix and having your whole life rotating around that next fix. I have made it nearly three months and I just have to change the way I think about the restrictions. Right now I am placing the concerns about getting off the subutex as a low priority and will face that challenge when the time is right. Staying in recovery is th focus right now.
Take care
Hey Kew
How awesome is this. We are sharing the same struggle supporting each other in three different parts of the world.
Mate I underatnd what you are saying. I too often feel "stuck" as you put it. My opinion is that our soul (mind,will and emotions) has been so damaged that it doesnt know how to function normally and without the opiates that we came to rely on to help us feel nothing. As the others have shared it is all part of the human experience. One thing I have noticed not being on the drugs is that everything now seems amplified. That is sound, taste, all the senses for that matter. So when I feel pain I really feel pain, when I am sad it is intense. Its like the nervous system is at times overloading with sensations that are new in a way as they are no longer dulled out of existence. That "I was happy at least when I used" is false mate. Its the brain trying to trick us into thinking that we felt better using. The problem is we didnt feel at all. This is not an easy road and anyone who says we are weak have no idea what they are talking about. We have strength beyond what most people can understand to still be here after what we have been through. Sometimes I think when you are "stuck" as ayou put it you just need to be and go with the flow. In my experience I feel this way when I am overloading myself with things. Whether it be work, home dealing witht he past I let it take over my thinking and then I get bogged down with it all and freeze up emotionally and going into numb mode. The other thing is learning to feel emotion again and realising that it is not going to kill me. When I lost my brother to a trucking accident two years ago I thought my heart was going to break literally and I just could not cope witht he emotional pain. I got "stuck" and I turned to drugs again to cope. Now two years later I am fighting for my life to gain control again. Part of the step towards recovery is allowing yourself to feel again adn if that means crying then you cry, if it means feeling angry then thats ok too. Dont be too hard on yourself mate you are doing amazingly well. You have helped me more than you can know. When I jumped on this site I was at rock bottom and considering giving up taking my life to end all the pain or perceived pain. Then I found this person on the other side of the world who understood and rides bikes too:) I can feel your strength all the way from here in Australia. There are going to be good days and not so good days and you know that ok its life. Iain our new friend from Glascow says it so well "Always remember WHAT WE FEAR MOST DOES NOT HAVE A HOLD ON US, IT`S THE FEAR ITSELF THAT HOLDS US BACK. We can do this and support each other through this even though we are in different parts of the world and that in itself is so awesome. Thankyou for sharing and treat yourself when you are not feeling so good with something you enjoy doing. Take a ride and experience the wind on your face and the smells of nature. Hang in there it will get better again. One thing I have learnt after suffering from depressive illness for 30+ years is the blues will lift eventually you just have to ride the wave. Take care ILB:wave:
Hi Guys
Well done Iain on the college. It will be good for you i'm sure. I am with Kew go easy on the relationship stuff. Been there done that if its the real thing it will wait. I am so with you. I would love nothing more than to sit with you guys and have a coffee and chat. Maybe one day. I am heading overseas in 2012 who knows? I feel amazingly close to you both I just know it was meant to be that we all found each other.
Kew I wish I could help you with your thoughts mate. I have a son with Bi-Polar and he has described to me how his thoughts take him over. He did some intensive therapy mainly CBT and this helped him alot. He is only 28 and is now doing so amazingly well. He had major drug issues and nearly died. Now he is medication free and just got engaged. I am so proud of him. I can ask him for some advice for you if you would like? He has amazed his therapist so much that they are now using him to do a dvd for eductional purposes on drug addiction and mental illness.
I struggle myself with thoughts and more recently flash backs from past trauma. This often trigger s off dis association episodes. It is difficult at times to not get all absorbed in the many thoughts and pictures that flood into my head. I try and distract myself do something else. Take my dogs for a walk to the beach, listen to some music (fleetwood mac good Iain;)) watch a movie or go for a ride. Riding is always a winner it clears the head and can really help. There is no quick easy fix my friend you just have to chip away at twhat it is that is causing all those thoughts to keep harrassing you. Writting them all down too can help. If they are getting the better of yu talk to your doctor about your meds they may need adjusting. Oh and most definetly we dont want you gone so dying is not an option I would be so sad and I know that Iain would too. It will get better and remember what I said about riding the wave? This too will pass give it time. I have been seeing a phyc and dealing with my past, it sure as hell stirs up some stuff but I know that if I push through this time then the demons will be put to rest once and for all. There is enough people out there that are willing to put us down so dont let yourself be another one. Those old tapes that play "I am no good, I am useless, I will never be free of this, I am just a druggie, no one could ever love me, etc., etc., etc., You are special, unique one of a kind and on an incredible journey of self discovery that will ultimately lead to your freedom.
Lets stay strong together holding hands accross the globe AWESOME! Iain have a wonderful week and i never get tired of reading you I think you are great and love reading your messages they make me smile and laugh something I have not done for a long time:) Thanks to you both for being there:wave:
[QUOTE=kewood;4591733]Hi Kim,
sorry you injured your hand...I know what it's like to have an uncontrollable rage and not know what to do with it, it's scary. I think I also have lots of built up anger from my past and never dealing with it, always trying to be the "nice gal". [email protected]#$ that anymore! I need to learn to be more assertive and stand up for myself more. It only stuffs the anger when I try to be nice to everyone all the time no matter how they treat me. I like what you said about depression feeding on feelings, it is so true! It's so hard when you're in that deep, dark place but it's really important to "act as if" I have learned that when I pretend I'm feeling ok, I can actually feel better and have a better day. My doc did start me on a low dose of Ritalin and I'm pleased to say that I am feeling SO much better, not high or speedy but just seemingly back to my "normal" self. I'm also doing good on 4mg of Subutex and in a few wks would like to try to decrease to 2mg. I'm not in any hurry to get off but the fewer meds I am on, the better I feel about myself not having to rely on medication for everything in my life!
Iain, hope school is going well. I love hearing from you guys, you make my day! Take care both of you!


Heh Karen bit more time than yesterday in college but got let out for dinner for being a good boy and finishing my work. "Positive mental attitude" thats what i try and do every single day, tell yourself that you are gonna feel brand new for the rest of the day and whatever you do you will do it to the best of your ability at that time, some days of course it`s easier than others but it still helps, i find it so easy to at times to promote my own negativity, and negativity only produces one thing more negativity which inturn for me helped my mental depression sink to new all-time low`s, with feelings of being worthless, hopeless and all the rest. Look yourself in the mirror every single morning and tell yourself, actually say to yourself that you are a worthwhile person and whatever other people may or may not think of you is nowhere near as important as what you think of yourself. Surround yourself with a 24 hour a day 7 days a week PUT UP ZONE and pull up everyone who puts you down even if they are joking. This is what i`ve taught myself to do and it certainly helped build up my self confidense which untill recently never even exsisted. Anyway i feel like i`ve rabbled on uncontrollably. Am off tae get some lunch. Take Care. Iain.:dizzy:
[QUOTE=kewood;4628180]Hello there Kim & Iain,
I'm doing ok these days. My meds and my meditation have helped my depression immensely. I'm still on the 4mg of Subutex and seem to be doing well so I may take the leap downward to 2mg. but not until after the stress of the holidays. I took a short trip back to NY to visit my parents and had a nice time. When I arrived home in Alaska afterwards though, I went into a huge state of anxiety and panic. I have no idea what in the world triggered it, it just took on a life of its own. It was like a severe panic attack but it lasted for almost a week, non stop! I would get short periods of relief but other than that I was in a state of not being able to cope or function much at all. I even ended up going to the ER for chest pains and trouble breathing. They found that one of my heart stress enzymes was high so they kept me in overnight. Turned out my heart was fine it was just this friggin' nasty panic an anxiety that wouldn't give me a break! I talked to my psych doc and he thought maybe my mixture of meds, Cymbalta & Ritalin were too stimulating, even though I'd been doing just fine for the past 4-6 weeks. He said maybe it just caught up with itself so he reduced the cymbalta, gave me some Klonopin for a couple of weeks and we're seeing how that goes. I just feel like I get these unconcious triggers from trauma that's happened in the past, even though I can't identify what it is at the time, then my stress hormones & response goes sky high, it is NOT FUN!! But, today is a better day and I'm just trying to take it day by day for now. Thanks for listening to that novel of sounds like you both are doing well. Great for you Iain that school is almost out for the semester and you're busy and doing well. Kim, I'm glad you've been able to push yourself through those hard times and realize that what you are doing for yourself is the best gift you can give to you. It is hard, this past week I was thinking, "why is it that I felt most stable when I was on opiates all the time?" I just wanted to feel that again but I know it's not reality, it's just numbing all of these feelings that need to get out and keep building up, I'm sure that's why I'm going through all of this now, because those years of drugs just kept stuffing and keeping all of my fears, anxieties and stresses in some dark corner of my mind where they couldn't be accessed. I'm actually working with a guy who does Somatic Experience. Have either of you ever heard of it? Its working with past traumas that are stuck in our bodies and using body awareness and sensation to help release those energies in a slow and safe way. So far we've not done anything too intense, just gotten in touch with how my body feels at different times and when I conciously relax. I'm really excited about it though and think he is a very safe and talented individual.
Well, enough about me. What are you all doing for the holidays? Any travel plans? I know you're going to visit family Iain, how about you, Kim? I hope you two continue to do well and stay happy and healthy. Even though we don't "talk" often, I think of the two of you all of the time and the suggestions you have given me when I'm struggling. It has helped so very much. I truly am thankfull for the two of you this Thanksgiving!! Take care and happy holidays!


Heh Karen how`s life treating ye?:wave:just thought i`d keep in touch cause it`s been a wee while since i wrote last, hopefully ye`ve been managing to deal with any anxiety problems that may have come up since ye got hame fae visiting yer folks in the big orange, i mean apple,:rolleyes:thats what i hope anyway, and do ye know what i`ve got the copyright on crazyness but am quit happy about that because thats what makes us all individuals would`nt ye just hate to be the same as so called normal people, how can anyone truely be sane in an insane world?:dizzy: I have my doubts! I can`t even begin to tell you how cold it is here at the moment like -8 during the day but i guess it`s the time of year. Just incase i don`t get a chance gonna do me a favour and enjoy the festive and break in the new year gently. Your very long distant friend Iain. :wave:Here`s a wee picture of myself so ye can put a face to the crazy comments or if ye really want ye can print it out and pin it on yer dartboard and use it for target practice[ATTACH]432[/ATTACH] Oop`s my mistake![ATTACH]433[/ATTACH] although the similarities between the two pictures is uncanny. Take Care.
[QUOTE=simon143;4649633]hey i totally relate, i have been in and out of rehabs for six years and have been abusing heroin for 10.i was almost 1 year clean until june 2010 when my brother who was also my best friend was murdered ,this fucked me up , i turned to alcohol and then back to the opiates i was in a place that i thought i had left behind,active addiction ,i was quickly losing everything, my family and my girlfriend who i love suboxone dosages were upped and i was put on epilim and some hectic tranquilisers.none of it kept me clean ,i eventually had to take the last money i had saved in my clean time and book myself into treatment for 21 days ...needless to say i am on a suboxone programe now and alot of my fellows at N.A say i'm not really clean,but alot say i am,,and most importantly i know i am clean,just like in the N.A preamble it says something like "in years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in man’s entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual – not religious – programme, known as Narcotics Anonymous" now just as we are lucky to have the programme are we not lucky that medical advances are now available to us,us opiate we all know the physicality of opiate addiction is terrible and we cannot relapse for a weekend and then get back on track(not that anyone can),we cold turkey our asses off.opiates stay in our fatty cells for up to five years and cell memory causes severe physical cravings.
i myself take advantage of every method i possibly can in order to stay clean.because i would rather die than go back.....yes i would rather die than go back to heroin/opiates!!![/QUOTE]

Heh Simon143 how`s life treating ma man, sound like your doing great all things considered don`t listen to yer n.a mates regarding not being clean that`s a load of garbage if what your doing is keeping you safe then that`s what ye should continue to do regardless of what anyone else say`s, we are all individuals what works for one person does`nt work for the next, by the way my name is Iain Donald i live in Glasgow Scotland am about six and a half months clean and going strong, i like quoting this "what we fear the most isn`nt what has a hold over us, infact it`s the fear itself that tends to hold us back. Take care all the best for 2011. Iain.:dizzy:

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