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I've had a problem with Vodka for a few years now but it's never really affected my life (apart from the cost) until last night.
For no good reason at all I decided to have a shot when I was at work and got caught. Not done it before and no idea why I thought I could get away with it.
Been suspended until they can carry out an investigation.
I'm struggling with depression and an eating disorder so have been using the vod in place of my meds. Know that was a mistake now so have an appointment with my Therapist on Monday and my GP on Wednesday.
Scared, losing this job will ruin everything for me. No money, no college, no voluntary work.
I screwed up big time but it was just a one off, I usually only drink after work, no idea what I was thinking.
Just waiting to hear when I can go in and plead my case. Hope I get another chance cos I know I'll never be so stupid again.
Had no sleep last night and can't stop shaking but I deserve this. It's my own stupid fault.
Any ideas how I can get through tonight?
Hi Alix,
First of all, I would try not to think of the worst possible scenario, though we always do. Perhaps your supervisor/investigators are people who understand something about addiction & alcoholism, so many of us are addicts or know people, family, friends that are. Most companies, I would think, value good employees and if you were sick with another type of disease and needed time off for treatment, at least here in the US, you have to be given that. We have a federal law, FMLA, which is Family and Medical Leave.
It could be illegal to fire you for a disease, if in your country alcoholism is a disease.
I think you should address it from that point of view and be very willing to go to a rehab center or program if they offer you that opportunity and say you could get your job back if you work on getting well. Who knows, it may be a gift in disguise that you got caught. I know when I got busted for forging a prescription for Vicodin, it scared the living s#$t out of me and was a wake up call. Now, i do believe it was a gift.
For the time being though, try to distract yourself with other thoughts and activities. It's no use worrying about something you have no control over.....I will be thinking of you and wishing you well!

Take care,
Thankyou so much for your response.
You're right and I'm treating this a the wake-up call it surely is.
Scared myself senseless and I'll do anything I'm asked to do to keep my job. Just so ashamed of myself for letting my boss down.
Biggest hurdle of all was overcome tonight though. Told my Mum all about it. She was amazing as expected.
Hoping to get a call tomorrow to go in for my interview and just hope they see past the blip and give me another chance cos I'm a good little worker and I really need this job.
I'll keep you posted and thanks again.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I think if your plea your case as your did here they will realize that you are sincere in keeping your job and realize that your screwed up. Be honest with them. Good Luck!!
Thanks Denon.
All I can do is tell the truth and hope they give me another chance.
Will let you know how it goes.
Just a quick update.
I have my interview with the big-bad boss on Wednesday afternoon.
Being investigated for attending work in a condition that could jeapordise the license of the business (its an off-licence) and being in a condition that could jeapordise the health and safety of myself and my co-workers.
Totally holding my hands up to this. I was so out of line, what an idiot.
Been an fool. Should have gone to my GP when I felt out of control. Chose instead to hide in the bottle. At least I've got appts next week to try and get started on fixing me.
I've been told I can bring a support person with me to my interview but it's a bit confusing cos it says it can be an employee or a union rep. Hoping I can take the bloke that gave me the ref that got me the job to start with but will have to ring HR to check.
I'm sick with worry. My other 1/2 thinks I'm going to get a warning and have to watch my back forever (fine with me), I just think I'm going to be dragged over the coals and then told to get out forever.
I'm not the most positive person though so that could just be my mind playing tricks.
Craig thinks if they wanted me gone they wouldn't wast the time interviewing me, I don't know.
Anyway, hope you're all doing well.
Will post again soon.
Thanks again for your messages, they've stopped me losing it so far.
Will just keep reading and believing them.
Only 13 and a bit hours now until my interview and I'm terrified.
Got a friend coming over for a few hours before and seeing my GP first thing to talk about things and hopefully get some help but I'm still terrified about what's going to happen.
Any kind words people? I know I don't deserve anything but a hug would be good.
Can't believe I've got myself in this mess. I'm so stupid.
Hello Alix

I know this is a truly upsetting situation. No doubt I would be upset also; any of us would.

What I wanted to share with you is that my husband was a manager for a large government facility. He dealt at times with employees who came in rip-roaring drunk as well as employees he caught smoking weed on the floor. As with you, the first step was always to send them home and then set up a meeting. The meeting was never to fire them if it was a first time offense. The employee would be offered an "Employee Assitance Program" to try and get things together. Often the person who ran that program was the one who accompanied the employee to the meeting.

I think something that will play well for you is that you will have seen your doctors already and can honestly say that you have shocked yourself and are seeking help for the behaviour. That should go a long way. ( I say this with confidence as I was a union president and grievance person for many years). I wouldn't try to deny at all what was done, but would point out that it was the first time ever and that you were in no way drunk. Explain the steps you are taking to correct the issue. Take any help that may be offered by the employer.

And Alis? There is a world of difference between a stupid person and a smart person who makes a stupid mistake. I don't think you are stupid at all. I think you have been smart enough to seek help with your doctor and are not trying to sugar coat or make dumb excuses for what happened. The mistake is already made. Keep moving forward to insure it doesn't happen again.

I agree with your husband that if you were going to be fired, you would have been escorted out of the building right then and there. Tomorrow will come soon enough. Try to get some rest tonight so that you will feel well tomorrow. Sending lots of hope upwards for you.

In Understanding
I can't thank you enough for your reply. You've helped me calm myself down like you could never believe.
Going to go into my interview and lay my cards on the table and hope the boss is sympathetic.
Will let you know how it goes.
Again, thankyou. It means so much to know there are others out there that understand.
Oh well, got the sack.
Can't talk much atm. Put my case across and explained about all the work I'm doing to get better. Made no difference.
Thanks again for all your support.
Will be back when I feel better.
Hi Alix

I am really sorry that the job is gone. That is a sadness. What do we do now, Alix? We keep moving forward, that's what.

Each day when we awake, we are where we are in life. The choices begin again. We continue to strive to move forward in life, learning from mistakes and understanding that we are all works in progress. Sometimes our learning takes place in quiet, private encounters. Sometimes they take place where the whole world can see. Some learning is more costly than other. Regardless, it is all learning that continues to make us grow. That is what you will do with this. You will grow, Honey.

Perhaps this time away from work is an opportunity for you to explore the whole issue with some time for yourself. An understanding needs to come as to why Vodka was being used more and more. Why it was brought into the workplace with easy access to it. As hard as it is to lose a job, especially in these days, it is worse if we lose ourselves and that is where the increasing use of Vodka would bring us. In an earlier post, you said that Vodka has been a problem with you for a few years now. Then I think the ducks are all lined up in a row for you to begin working on the problem.

I have written from time to time about what I call 'backwards blessings' in our lives. These are the times when we go through something that is really tough, maybe even unfair and very wrong, but when we look hard enough we see that but for the tough time, we never would have gained something else even more important. I think that all of this is maybe a backwards blessing for you. While a harsh penalty is being paid for the mistake, it can also be a wake-up call that something even more important is at stake... [U]you[/U]. Not working for now allows time to reflect... on what the underlying problem is and how it will be corrected.

Continue to see the GP about this. Perhaps add a counselor into the mix and give AA a try. I hope you will post again and let us know how you are.

I'm really sorry to hear they let you go instead of giving you some type of warning and requiring you to go for treatment. I'm an HR person here in the US and the labor and employment laws may be different. But, if you belong to a union, can't they file a grievance on your behalf for the company to give you a lesser form of disciplinary action? Depending upon how the company responded to incidents like this in the past, you may be able to fight this termination through your union leadership.

But either way, try to turn this experience into a way to change your life. I know it's got to be tough, but don't let this one incident define who you are. You can turn around, find another job and lean on your friends and family. This is not the end - people get fired al the time. And sometimes, the next job is better than the one they had before. So don't let this keep you down for too long and try to get back out there as soon as possible. Hang in there! We're on your side!
When one door slams shut another door will open. You will get thru all of this! Many positive thoughts being sent your way!!
Awwww, thanks everyone. That means a lot.
Well, I made it to the Drs. He's put me on anti-biotics for the chest infection I've got, fluoxetine for my anxiety/depression and valium to try and control my craving for booze.
Lets see how this goes.
Worse thing was having to pay over 20 for it all. Can't afford that, totally skint now.
I see him again in 2 weeks.
Still seeing my therapist too. getting help from both of them which must be a good thing.
Not so sure about my partner though, he's a bit grumpy just now cos I woke him last night when I went to bed. Looks like I'll be back in the spare room again.
Anyway, thanks again for your kind words and support.
I'll let you know how I get on with the meds.
Hi Alix

It is good to see the intentions to move forward. Smiles. A big 'Atta Girl' to you. Whether by choice or not, time is available now to work on [U]you[/U]. I think it is a really positive thing continuing to see both of your doctors. Use this time wisely to settle the issues in the mind and find peace again in your life.
Keep in touch with sharing the progress.

All the best
Hey Reachout,
Thanks for getting back to me. You're right, seeing my DRs is a positive thing and I'll b sure to keep seeing them both.
Had a telephone appt with my therapist this afternoon and that went well, he's pleased I'm cutting down and using the meds I've been given to help.
Had a blip today though. I do voluntary work 3 days a week as part of the uni course I've just started and for the first time ever felt like I just wanted to go home. I normally love the time I spend with the kids (I'm training to work in education/care) but today I just didn't feel like I wanted to do anything but get a bottle and drift off.
Managed though. Was fine as soon as I saw all the kids and did some activities with them. They always make me feel better and I need to focus on a career with them to get me through this.
Tomorrow (well, today) is going to be hard though. I've no plans/voluntary work to keep me busy. Thinking I'll clean the flat to keep myself off thinking I need a drink. Will do my best.
If it gets too much I've to take a valium to take the edge off. Trouble is they just make me sleepy.
Hmmmm. Will see how it goes.
Hope you're all doing well.
Hi Alix

Great to hear you have started a course in early childhood education and care! It will be a great focus for you. It is such a goof thing that you stayed the course and worked with the kids today even though the mind wanted you to head home for a drink. Alix, this is exactly what we need to do when the urges hit.... put them on the back burner and focus on something else more intensely. The time passes and so does the urge. It can be a struggle at times, but the more we practice this, the more routine it becomes. In time, the intensity of the urges, and even the urges themselves, lessens. Eventually, the urges will stop being in your mind.

It is so possible to retrain our thinking. It takes lots of determination and practice, but it can be done. I think that somehow you already recognize this because by staying with the kids and not going home, you already began a step in retraining your thinking.

Oh, the cleaning thing to keep yourself distracted? Alix, when I was withdrawing ( first from Oxycodone and then from Xanax), I would go bezerk not only at my house, but also at my son's house. I just had to stay busy so I could cope with the withdrawals. I washed every piece of clothing in both houses each day. Swept floors, cleaned drawers, whatever I could to keep myself busy and occupied. I pushed myself physically so that I would exhaust myself and be able to sleep. Many times I read this board back pages and pages to keep my mind busy and to learn how others coped.

I also spent a lot of time in reflection as time when on. With the help of my doctors, I came to understand more and more how I had crossed the line and begun to abuse the narcotics. I cried a lot, a whole lot, as I finally faced things deep inside me that I had never dealt with. It was painful at times. However, I grew to understand myself more and more. My thinking slowly changed about many things. I was able to let go of old hurts and griefs. I sincerely believe that I learned more in the year it took for me to truly live as true self that I learned more than in all my other years combined. I have learned how to really be a part of my world and to be comfortable in it. Oh, what a lot of learning!

Surround yourself with people who can help you, Alix. Doctors, family and trusted friends. Try an AA meeting and see if that works for you. Alix, reach out for help with this everywhere you can find support. You are going to be okay, Poppit.

Stay in touch here
Your response really touched me. Thankyou so much for taking the time to give me some support.
Today was a toughie. I took a valium last night because I knew I wouldn't sleep and ended up spending the majority of the day in a zombie state. Going to try and use them as a very last resort from now.
Got something positive to look forward to in the morning (it's 01:45 just now so I should say today). The place I do the majority of my volunteer work at has asked if I'll help out at swimming tomorrow. I thought I'd just be expected to help the parents get their kiddies ready but I've been told if I'm happy to get in the water that'd be great!
I'm thrilled. I love swimming and being trusted enough to be allowed in the water with the tots is a great honour for me. I expect it'll just be a lot of splashing about because the parents are expected to mind their children, we're just there to help if needed but I'm hoping I get to have a splash with a few of them.
So glad I've got this voluntary work and my course going on just now. You're right that it helps to have a focus.
I'm treating this drinking thing as a spillage that just needs mopping up so I can get on with what I should be doing. It's not the sum of me, just a fraction that needs to be dealt with and it will be because I've got so much I want to do without it being part of my life.
I know what you mean about dealing with things from the past that you've never dealt with. My counsellor has shown me that I need to deal with things that happened when I was 15 (dad came out and then left - word fell apart but I had to stay strong for my mum, brother and sister) and I need to confront the issues around that. Have talked to my mum (who is the best mum in the world I must say) about it and she thinks I should write a letter to my dad to tell him how I feel, but it's so hard, I don't want to hurt him by telling him how much he hurt me.
Working through that with John (my counsellor) just now. I'll get there.
It's too easy to think stuff that happened years ago shouldn't affect us now but it does. I'm trying to deal with that and hopefully get over it.
Anyway. Thinking positive just now. Going to sort my stuff out for the morning and then get myself out for a day of fun.
Thankyou again to you Reach (and everyone else) that has responded to me. Your support means an awful lot to me. I can talk to you a lot easier than I can to those close to me because they don't get why I can't just not drink and don't get what my depression is about.
Will talk to you soon and I hope you're all doing well. I think I am but it's baby steps. Better than no steps though eh?

Alix, the world seems a lot more friendly right now than it did just a fews days back, huh? Smiles. I am so glad that so much determination is showing to pick yourself up and get on with it all in style.

I think that behind every single person who abuses drugs or alcohol or whatever it may be, there is deep pain that has been lingering unresolved. What lies in our subconscious minds has so much to do with how we handle life, how we react to it and how we cope with it. When we live in recovery, we are restored. We don't just stop the drugs or alcohol, but we learn to grow in our understanding of ourselves.

Just a little tip here for you.... someone very close to me in my life has not had a drink in almost 35 years because he is in recovery. And you know what? He doesn't explain to anyone why he doesn't drink. He justs asks for a seltzer. If someone asks him why he doesn't have a drink, he just repeats, "I'll have a seltzer." No one is owed an explanation if you chose not to drink. Don't feel obligated to offer one.

Hope the splashing with the tots was fun! Now that has to be an activity that can distract someone from any issue in life. Chuckles.

Take care, stay rested, and continue on the good path.
From the berry path
Hey Reach,
As always thankyou for getting back to me again.
Had a blip tonight. drs have both told me I can't just stop the drink because I may have a seizure but I didn't tell my partner this. He was totally adamant that I had to just stop, full stop but the Drs have said that's way too dangerous so i've been having a vodka at night before I go to bed just to keep the edge off.
Got found out tonight and he's furious with me. Told him I had to hide it because he told me the other week that if I drank again he'd leave but the DR is telling me I have to taper off so can't just stop.
So confused. I'm trying to follow my DR's advice but then I've got him saying "just quit"! Not sure he realises how hard this is.
Doesn't help that he's been horrible to me for the past few days. Keep trying to tell him about the voluntary work I've been doing with kiddies and he just shows no interest at all. I know I need help and I'm getting it and trying to taper down to no drink. Taking my meds and keeping myself busy as much as I can but I'm getting nothing in return.
A hug would be nice. Not had one of them for about 3 weeks now. Haven't had a kiss for over 4.
Feel so worthless. Don't see what the point is now cos all I'm doing is making people miserable.
I's ok. I'm not going to do anything silly, just having a pity party.
Hope you're all ok.
Hi There

Well, Alix, we do indeed live and learn. I honestly had never heard of a tapering from alcohol before. I did some research and sure enough, I read about the tapering to prevent seizures from sudden withdrawal of alcohol. Are you on a steady measured reduction? I am curious about this.

I can understand your partners anger, but I can also understand your hurt. A suggestion....perhaps he needs to be pulled tighter into the loop here. Bring him along to the doctor with you. Have him listen to the doctor's words. All of you together can develop a tapering plan that is sure and steady. Let your partner be the keeper of the liquor and give you the daily amount you are supposed to have. In my own withdrawals, my husband came with me to every single doctor's appointment. He was in charge of all prescriptions as I came off of them. It really helped us to make my struggle a team project.

Don't wait for that hug... go give it. Help break the tenseness that is a part of withdrawal. DO it for yourself as much as him.

Stay on course, Alix. It ois okay to have sympathy for ourselves as we go through this as long as we remember to have a bit of sympathy for those who are also affected along with us.

However, on the flip side, I know there were times when my struggle became tiresome to him. It changed each of our lives. It was a good thing when he came to the counselor with me. Although I had time alone with the counselor, there was also times when we went in together. It gave us a chance to talk about the issues that came up with how the withdrawal was affecting each of us. It was a safe place to discuss it because the counselor acted as a third, neutral party. I think one of the best bits of counseling I ever received was to remember to acknowledge to my husband how my struugling affected him. To acknowledge with symapthy that he, too, was going on this journey even if it had never been his desire. I became more aware of the need to acknowledge and thank him more often for the help and important roll he was playing in my recovery.

Once we make a real commitment to stopping the abuse cycle, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted and we are eager to pursure recovery and restoration. We feel so positive and then suddenly reality hits and we recognize that there will continue to be burdens like relationship juggling. Don't let the everyday issues ever interfere with your progress! There are ebbs and flows in every relationship.

Stay the curse there, Friend.

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