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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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One Addict's Story
Nov 27, 2009
This must be it. Low point, rock bottom, whatever they call it. The point is, I’ve hit the lowest emotional point of my life and it makes me sick. Addiction has been running my life since my mid teens. It started with gambling. Cigarettes made their way in soon after, followed by pot, and then more pot, and some more. Add caffeine, weekly liquor binges, sex, perks, and that’s been my life in a nut shell for the past 10 odd years. Do I regret any of it? Absolutely. But did I have some of the best years of my life? You bet.

I always treated school as more of a hobby than a vehicle, but managed to stay above the average, getting my Bs with ease and some occasional As. I tried to keep the cliché advice in mind- Don’t settle, look past money, and find your passion. Problem was, I could never quite find a passion outside of getting high. Just as bumming buts turned into buying packs, smoking on other people’s joints turned into buying your own stash. Dimes turned into 20s, 20s into half quarters. The cash flow was always there to support it.

By first year of university, my best friend and I tried to stay on the same schedule. With both of us having Fridays off, when Thursday night came, it was time for joint, and then some. I tried to keep the joints for the weekends, but that didn’t exactly work out. What started as an occasional habit, gradually turned into a nightly routine. I never thought it would come to that, but then again I never thought I would come to where I am now. After succumbing to the habit, I made a law that said no getting high before darkness. Well, you can now safely throw that out the window as well. Today, I get high whenever I get a chance.

You hear about the side effects of marijuana- lung cancer, long term mental illness, paranoia, etc. There’s one thing they don’t mention. Weed kills desire. For the past 7 years, the overwhelming pattern in my psyche and thought process has been loss of care. I don’t care. I don’t care about all the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t care about how distant I’ve become from my family. I don’t care how many friends I’ve lost. I don’t care how many loves I let get away. I don’t care about my career. I don’t care about my health. And most importantly, I don’t care to change.

By this point, I feel so engraved in this lifestyle that any small change would feel like child birth. I tried going clean for string of days on more than one occasion, but all that brought was manic mood swings, and sleepless nights. At almost 25, I have surrounded myself with people that are supportive of my habits. Those who are not, I have shun away or ignored to send a message that I am unavailable to them. I walked away from a girl of a year and half because she started to become inconvenient. She would have the occasional joint, but as time went by she became less fond of the habit. She helped me quit cigarettes, for which I will forever be grateful, but when she tried to make further changes to me, I ran. Though she wasn’t the one, I still question everyday whether I was better off letting her further help my self-destructive behaviour. Who knows what would have happened after.

Today, to put it simply, I feel like sh%t. I have my good days when everything makes perfect sense, but then I wake up the day after and it’s back to sh&t. Furthermore I have become everything I hate. I always held it against my ex when she was being obsessive. I even joked that she was obsessive compulsive. Well today I feel obsessive compulsive. I obsess over the smallest, most insignificant things. I have an overriding thought that everyone is against me, or somehow wants to use me. I have let that thought affect me so much that I question everything. I'm truly starting to hate myself.

In terms of my love life, I'm starting to view women as just another drug. After several relationships, I now only settle for girls that come easy. Whether it’s for their submissiveness, emotional damage, or just lack of looks, I will use them to get another type of high. I have a self-made image of a player in my mind, which I actually hate and cannot even begin to justify. I’ve been sleeping with one girl for months now, but still can’t bring myself to call her anything more than a friend. Though I know deep inside she will never be anything more, I continue to use her.

As compulsive as my behaviour is, lying is just as consistent. I lie all the time. I lie to my parents, I lie to my friends, I lie to girls, I lie at job interviews, I lie on my resume, I lie anytime I feel it's necessary to keep things easy and convenient for myself. Hell this post is probably the truest thing to come out of me in a while.

At this point, I know change in inevitable. If nothing's going right, and you constantly feel unhappy, then the right thing to do is stop everything you're doing now, right? And since most of what I'm doing with my time is getting high, then the logical thing to do is to stop getting high. I know that. Where my issues lie is how the flip do I do it. I can't abandon my friends, my routines, places I go to, places I chill at, all at once. And deep down I know I would have to do that if I was to quit pot cold turkey.

Now, I'm not blaming all my problems in life on smoking pot. In fact, my view on it is as liberal as the next pothead's. Clearly there are underlying causes in my brain that trigger the behaviors that follow. I know that, I took psychology as an elective. With that said, I need some serious help. As of right now, my addiction is as powerful as a category 5 hurricane and it's causing some major damage on every area of my life. I try my best to avoid the other stuff such as alcohol and pills, but weed is something I feel I cannot live without. I've considered professional help but that comes at a price I can no longer afford now. Rehab is out of the question as well, because believe it or not I have kept my addictions secret from my family for all these years. What on earth do I do, and how do I do it? :dizzy:

Has anyone been through this, specifically under similar circumstances? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. That's more or less what I had to say. It did feel good to put it down in writing. Hope this is the first step to something better. Thanks for reading!

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