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It's comforting to be able to type this and know that others who have been in my position will be reading it.

I'm an alcoholic; I think there is little doubt of that. At the age of 21, four years ago, I went to rehab for alcohol abuse and major depression. At the time I was taking time off from college to deal with what was obviously becoming a growing problem in my life (depression/addiction). I returned to college about 6 months later, and with about a year's worth of school left, my parents came and "rescued" me from the wreckage of my own life. I was basically blowing off school completely, smoking pot and drinking all the time and living a miserable, aimless, utterly lonely life in my college town, all the while lying to my parents left and right. I would like to add that I have wonderful parents; they have been incredibly loving and supportive. They have kept me under their wing when a lot of other parents might have thrown me out. I have no history of abuse or childhood trauma; in fact, quite the opposite. I did, however, start getting some serious depression starting in 8th grade, and I was diagnosed with ADD in the 4th grade.

I left college about a year and a half ago; since then I have been living in my parents home, where they have been encouraging me, with varying levels of success, to get my life back on track. My parents do drink (they're "normies") but they've taken all alcohol out of the house on account of me.

In a lot of ways, my life has turned around remarkably, at least on the inside. On the outside, I still don't have a college degree, I haven't held a job in years, and - here's the clincher - I continue to relapse. On average, I don't go more than a month without a drink. The most recent relapse was quite devastating to my parents and destroyed a significant bond of trust that I had earned between us.

This is a hard time for our family because one of my siblings (older) is going through something extremely tough in his life. My folks went to go visit him over the weekend; they were gone for three days. This was the first time they had left me alone in the house for quite some time and this was going to be considered a "test" of sorts. Everything was going fine until I invited a date over for dinner on the third night. I know this girl really likes me, and I feel similarly. I will also add that I've only recently started dating again, and a healthy sex life has pretty much been non-existent since I started becoming active in late high school. I realize that I really haven't had any sober sex...

So of course, I wanted to have a few drinks w/ the girl, have a nice dinner, have some more drinks, and then what have you. We ended up having an extremely nice evening - good food, good conversation and good kissing. This was all a big deal for me (in a good way) in that I havn't had a wholesome, let alone physical relationship with anyone in quite some time. After she went home, I polished off more wine by myself, finished the rest of the bottle that next morning, and went out and got a tall can of beer after that. My parents returned home in the afternoon to find me in bed, reeking of alcohol. It was a sad, sad scene.

So yeah, there's this whole Jekyll and Hyde thing going on. On one hand, I had this wonderful evening, where I was all sweet and charming and together - but it was all based on a deception of sorts - I deceived my parents, and it's not like the girl knows that I have a serious alcohol problem. And I've dealt a blow to my beloved parents (I'm very close to them, generally) at a very difficult time in their lives.

I've tried AA at different phases - never for more than around 3 months at a time - I find that it ends up messing with my head more than helping it.

I chose the username "GoodGuy" because I do think that I am a good person (I've done bad things). I could have such a wonderful, fulfilling life if I do the right thing. But gosh, I am in a dark place right now. Things were starting to shape up nicely, and then this. I feel like a broken man right now.

Thank you for hearing me. I'd like to become a more regular contributor here and hopefully forge some connections with those who have been where I've been.


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