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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Thats the choice I have before me at this point...ha..this point...lets say 10 yrs ...thats more like it. And for 10 yrs I have chose to go for broke.

I wouldn't even know where to begin. Probably my chronic back pain...Deteriating Disc Disease...2 bulging discs...pushing on sciatic nerve...w/ a touch of arthritis. Thats probably where I should start.

I was 19 yrs old...no doc would give me pain meds at that age for bulging discs..none that I could find...for 3 or 4 yrs I bought them off the street...and got doses off of my Grandmother. I lived w/ her she knew my agony was real...she experienced it as well. Even though her help may have originally hindered more than helped..(in the long run)..I still thank God for her help..as the only person I could turn to, who would help and understand for a while.

I bought them off the street so I didn't have to take more from her than I should've...and b/c like I said the docs wouldn't help in that capacity. They sent me to physical therapy 3 times for a total of three yrs...w/ anti-inflammatory meds only. Never worked for me...These docs tried everything... electro-shock...injections, nerve burning, all kinds of crap...only the meds seemed to help. During the times I bought off the street...I never made rent..or really paid any bills at all...I quit smokin bud cause I needed the money for pills...(something I thought I would NEVER do)...that was easy to do for me...especially when I had my narcs to help out.

Finally I found an internet site that shipped them FedEX--that was "awesome"--for a yr...I took 6 or 7 lortab 15's a day...they were green capsules...I emptied the meds on my tongue for instant gratification. Sometimes I took more...but it was ok they were so cheap compared to when I had to pay so much on the street...one week of buying on the street out of a month was fine by me. Then our Attorney General outlawed the internet pills in the state and that was over...PISS!!!! anyway, I then found a friend getting them through the mail from a buddy in Cali...1000 Blue tens a month for $2.50....we were doing "real fine" then...we never got in trouble...(2yrs)...cause we ate most of them...

no grabbing attention by selling them was key...Ive allways said I am very stingy w/ my meds...here in KY everybody an there mama either has them or wants them...so selling them is most popular for people when they get them...I allways thought it was stupid to draw attention to your hookup and then go use the money you made to buy other pills...but, oh well...I guess Im just stingy w/ my meds.

The story goes on and on and on and on...it makes me sick thinking about it...I could honestly write a full book on the issue...everything that Ive seen, everything Ive done....everything I know...who knows maybe one day I will...maybe when my affiliations and the back alley biz regime "hillbilly mafia" is finally shut down...maybe I will...It most definitely be worth it...thats one way of goin for gold i suppose....

I was thinking more along the lines of right now though. I need to go for gold. When you have traded your sons nintendo wii that you got him for christmas last yr....stole your mothers jewelry that is more sentimental than anything...pawned your fathers old shotguns that he got from his father...stole and sold equipment from your place of work....wrote yourself thousands and thousands of dollars worth of checks from your place of work...stole your grandmothers medicine til the day she died..(after she was the only one who would help you at first)...stole money from other grand parents...wrote your own scripts when stealing ole docs pad...dealing w/ the hillbilly mafia...contemplating robbing gas stations and liquor stores..or better yet pharmacies...thank god i never did that.....what am I saying...? Thank god I didn't do that...that probably would have been more decent then throwing all of your family members in the trash by stealing from them...and constantly lying to them......

Ive never been through rehab....Ive tried to quit cold turkey 6 times....the longest was one month, I did that couple of times...I MOST DEFINITELY know about withdrawal and relapse...my crutch is my chronic pain...it is real and it WILL NOT go away. Im now at a pain management center where they give me pink tens 4/day....thats gone in less than a week...prolly 5 days. then I go and steal and scheme an plot for perc 30's and OC's for the rest of the month.

I am very ashamed...of course I have been ashamed many times before. Most definitely out of control....my family ...my wife.. has stood by me thick and thin...but I haven't for the past 2 yrs showed any signs of letting up. I feel remorse, but then I impulsively hurt them by taking what is not mine in order to destroy myself...with no return. I battle w/ the idea that they could possibly still love me....I just can not fathom WHY they haven't washed their hands of me....it baffles me.....I am SO ashamed.

Im on day 2 of my 7th detox....(self detox)....chills, sweating, sleeplessness, aches, pains, nervousness, anxiety, constant stretching, loss of appetite, bathroom blues, depression, weak, no energy at all, I am also constantly sceming in my brain on how I could possibly break this prison I have created for myself by surrounding people around me who know at all times about my situation, ditching the car, so I have no wheels, and losing the phone as well....and against all odds I still find my mind constantly racing as to how I can still acheive my next fix....even though I know damn well I ain't gettin one...which tells me that I am addicted to the challenge of pulling the wool over peoples eyes and succeeding w/ my self destruction tactics. Its sad...Its pitiful....but I do have hope.

I finally told my father that unless I check in to the suboxone clinic he's gonna find me dead or in jail...Im sure of it...Ive gone for broke for so long....

I wouldn't even know where to begin to imagine how exactly it feels to go about your day w/ out this narc fantasy interjecting itself, using everything I see and do as cues for re introduction. How would it possibly feel to go all day and have energy w/out this narc fantasy---how would it feel to go a day w/ out back pain and feelings of self worthlessness....I do still have hope....

It is that hope that WILL help me go for gold....I can be richer w/ life as my currency...w/ life as my pill....I just need some help and I know it...I need help bad...you see, Ive been going for broke for so long now....





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