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Hi,
I am a 26yr old female from Ontario Canada. I have been using Percocet on a daily basis for almost 2 years now. I was married to a VERY abusive man, emotional, psychological, financial, just short of physical (only reached the "pushing" phase, pushed into walls, down stairs, light slaps but thanfully never got to the punching or beating phase..)
I am freshly seperated from him (as in within the last week, we were seperated for a month but he managed to suck me in and came back for 4days, then the abuse started back up)
I have basically been bed ridden with depression, isolated, angry, Ive had a few bad breakdowns... Screaming, throwing things, driving erratically, crying uncontrollably, losing all sight of reality.
The pills have gotten worse, I am finding myself reaching for a couple of perks every hour,, I am in a daze. My rages are out of control and out of nowhere. I basically CANNOT function. I don't know what to do.I have zero support as my husband had isolated me from all friends and family, the 2 people I have in my life, 1 is not supportive at all and is a falling down drunk and lives 18hrs away (my mom) and the other is my best friend (an alcoholic as well, with addiction,legal and relationship issues of her own and she is really not the best support either, to be honest we've drifted apart in a big way in the last few months.)
So I find myself here, venting, typing away to strangers, just wanting to get it off my chest. That I am an addict, I am out of control, I am broken, devasted, lost, alone, scared, angry, sad, depressed, exhausted. I know I have to go on and I WILL, i will not give up.. I will not give in. This man has ruined every inch of who I used to be, the pills took the rest. They we're an escape from him, from the name calling, the isolation, the abuse, the pain, the loneliness, the degradation, the life I was living, now that he is gone, my life is worse. I'm BROKE and alone and addicted.

I used to have my life together.. I was succesful, healthy, confidant, beautiful, I had many friends, a great social life, I was happy, laid back and living the life. then I met the man and the pills, that as it turns out, would take it all away.

I've tried to quit, I lasted 2 1/2 days then I almost calledd 911 I was SO sick and thought I was literally dying.. the pain I was in was unbearable. I visited a methadone clinic and was approved for suboxone but never went to my first appointment because I couldn't stay clean for 24hrs before and I didn't want any of my clients or my employer seeing me visit the dirty methadone clinic downtown (it's in plain sight, right smack in the middle of our little downtown, with a ton of scary addicted homeless people hanging around the front doors, the dr even said I was the only one with a job there.. wow..just wasn't for me, or is it? is it worth it? )
lPLease, anyone, just reply, say anything just acknowledge that I am alive

Thank you
xoxoxo
I'm really sorry that you are going through such a bad period in your life. I wish I could take away your hurts with couple of keystrokes but you know I can't. No one deserves to go through what you are going through. I'm not a professional, just a caring person, so I'll try to give you some advice.

I think the first thing you need to do is to get some inpatient help. If your afraid of people at work finding out then take some vacation time or personal days off...sick days if you have to. I've been on high dosage opiate pain relievers for a long time myself (5 years) for severe chronic back and nerve pain, so I know what it is like to be dependant on these drugs.

From what I've read it sounds like you made the first and most important step by separating from your abusive husband. I think you should try to get inpatient help because a friend of mind (may god have mercy on his soul) was an addict. He was on norco, oxycontin, xanax and some other prescription drugs when he decided to get help.
He checked himself into a hospital for phsyciatric treatment to try to get clean. He only stayed for three days until he checked himself out, but the help and information he got in that short period of time was enough for him to get opiate free for a while.

Don't worry about going in for help because form my understanding, at least where i live, by checking yourself in, it's not put on your record as if you were committed. Therefor there is no stigma to follow you. That's what happened to him.

It sounds like you have some phsycilogical problems as well as opiate dependentcy issues from your abusive spouse, which they will really be able to help you with. Remember that the opiates cause you to be euphoric as well as take away physical pain. That's the reason why many people get addicted to the in the first place.

You seem to be a very strong person so just know that self medicating is not the answer to your problems right now...you obviously know that or would not have post for help.

I'm not sure your gonna be able to do this on your own because it's not just an opiate problem. There seems to be a lot more to it. Stay strong and put yourself first right now! I will pray for you and I hope you find a way to help yourself!!!

This is just my opinion...my two cents. They may be the extra two cents in your pocket taking up space and you don't care if you have them or not...or they could be the two cents your short and desperately need.

Keep your head up and remember that everything happens for a reason. God wouldn't put you through this troubling time if there wasn't something equally great waiting for you in your future. I recently went through mine and the tide is starting to change for me. I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it.

Sincerely,
MyBadBack





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