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Re: Hard Day
Apr 10, 2010
Hello Angelique!!!

I read your last post and then I read it again because well, I really don't know why but I was really saddened to hear that your Mother has hurt you so badly. I know I am so fortunate to have the relationship I do with my Mom but it breaks my heart when I hear stories like yours! You certainly do not deserve to have this saddness in your life. As for calling your Mom... I guess I will tell you what I think and maybe it will help make your decision easier???? Maybe it won't... I really don't know the situation you have with your Mother but it does not sound like a good one. I try to put myself in your shoes and think about what I would do if my Mom and I did not get along well and we had not spoken in a long time.... then comes her birthday. I guess if it were me, I would call her, wish her a Happy Birthday and maybe make the conversation short and sweet so it does not turn out badly? The reason I would call is because like you said, we do only get one Mother and it would be hard to feel like I gave up all hope that someday we may have a relationship of some sort. I know that if I didn't call I would just end up feeling guilty even if say my mom didn't deserve a call from me because of the way she treated me. I would end up regretting not calling after the fact and then start blaming myself somehow.... I just know that is how I am. It sounds like your mother may have really done some horrible things to you and has hurt you very badly and maybe she does not even deserve another chance because maybe you have given her so many chances you can't even count anymore. It's hard for me to give advice being I don't know what she has done but at the end of the day, you would be the bigger and better person for calling. I guess that is what I think. Now, that is not say that my opinion would not change if there were details of the story that I am not aware of where she severely abused you or something like that..... So, I would say trust your gut honey. If you don't feel okay with calling than maybe send a card or something. I just feel you do not deserve anything bad to come of this call so if you feel that it will only cause you pain than maybe the card is the best idea. Look within yourself and you will know what to do. I will say some prayers for you so that the answer becomes more clear to you.

There is no need to thank me for the things I said about you because they are all true and you deserve to hear good things about yourself!!! We all need some sunlight in our lives and I am always a firm believer of telling someone how I feel about them because tomorrow is not promised.... I lost my step brother 12 years ago and I feel like I never said enough to him about how I felt. I know I was just a kid but now that he is gone I regret not telling him exactly how I felt about him so I try to make sure the people in my life always know how much I care for them and love them. I never want to feel regretful again like that.

I did not sleep well last night at all. I am really tired today now. I did go and visit my Grandpa this afternoon and as always it was so great to see him and spend a couple of hours with him. He is in a nursing home and he actually really loves it there. I have met a lot of other residents and many of them have really grown on me over time. So it was fun to go and see them all.

Today my anxiety level is high but I keep working on my breathing and try to keep focusing on good things but I think it's only natural to have my mind race into other directions. I am homesick which sounds silly since I have only been gone a day but I am... I am not feeling the greatest today either but I think it's because the stress of life right now is getting to me and my insides are still trying to heal. All in due time.

I feel like now I am just rambling..... I wonder how many of you have actually made it this far into my post. I have been thinking a lot about all of you and hoping that you have all found some peace today in regards to your addictions or anything else in life that may be bringing you down. My thoughts recently have been taken to an old friend on here who has seemed to have moved on from us. Denon, oh how I miss him. I pray wherever he is, he is happy and life is treating him well. What an amazing man he is. I am also so happy to see so many new people who have found the board! Years ago, addiction was not even close to being a part of my life, I had no idea so many people struggled with this nightmare let alone that I ever would. Over the last couple of years I have really learned so much here and I have come pretty far from that first post. However, I know I have only begun my journey in my fight for sobriety!

Another thing I have been thinking about more and more.. Suboxone. Since this addiction is something that I fight so hard everyday, maybe I need the extra help to give me a break from the cravings and bad thoughts that race thru my head. I have been really thinking about doing some more research on this medication because I don't think it's something a person can be on when they are trying to conceive or are pregnant so maybe it's not even an option for me right now. I just ache for a life again where pills were not always on my mind. I am so tired from fighting. The anxiety exhausts me... I just want a break. So that is my feelings on that.

I am going to close now and grab something to eat.
Blessings to you all





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