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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Ok, I am a 23 year old woman wit a 2 an a half year old son an I have been wit my fiance for almost 9 years now. My problem started when I was 14 years old and it was history from then. I have had a very hard up brining where both my parents were cocaine an speed addicts an I had to raise my self for most of my life. My parents would leave me with babysitters so they can go out partyin an I ended up getting sexually abused manytimes this was when I was smaller as I grew up there was so much abuse, mentally, phisically, an emotional abuse along wit sexual abuse.

My own mother mullested me when she was all high on drugs to this day she does not remember it but I certainly do.... My mom moved around so much to different man to man place to place an left me wit so many different people so nothing in my life has been stable. So when I started takein pills it didnt start off too strong but then I graduated to stealin my moms drugs an then jus always needin something to be high. When I was high I felt better I didnt think of anything at all I felt amazing....I didnt realize that this was actually turning into a problem that would last almost 10 years. I would take anything .

I was also born wit Spina Bifita a mild cause but when I had my son I was in 19 ina half hours labour with him an I ended up breaking my back in 3 different spots so the doctor put me on Tramadol wit is a sinthetic morphine. Those are what put me in a life threating addiction. I started takin those an I felt amazing like I was ontop of the world I didnt think of anything I was always happy an felt jus amazing..then after a little while I had to start taking more an more of this drug to get that feeling an so I did an I ended up overdosing 6 times....but along with me taking the tramadol at a whomping
I was also takeing Fentanyl patches at the same time but not the way I was suppost to

. So that contributed to me overdosing so many times. Now my last time that it happened I was at work my new job at an old age home right infront of everyone I collapsed an had a seziour an they called an ambulance an my fiance an then I went up to the hospital which they knew that I have a Narcotic problem. I said to my fiance in the hospital room that I was done I dont wanna take these things anymore...So I went through hell an back with the withdrawls an now I am goin through hell in my mind because I am facing all the problems I have been hiding from all these years..I cant handle this right now I feel like I can not be there for my son an fiance like I should be I am jus frazzled an confused an wanting to take something so I dont have to think for one min.

I have been to counsilors through out my life but I do not find that they help much I jus want to be an amazing mother an wife to my family but I am finding it sooo hard right now because things are jus poppin in my head that I use to cover up wit medications an now I have nothin to take because my doctor now knows I have a problem an so does the hospital so I have no ways to get anything but I also do not want to take anything because I want to stay sober but I am havin a hell of a time so this is why I am on here

Im hurtin soooooooo bad I jus want to stay sober more than anything.....

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