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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index


I'm Derick and I've abused oxy 80's,benzo's and subs for about 7 years and before that it was alcohol. But 5 1/2 months ago I decided I couldn't live like this anymore, hurting myself, no self worth and dignity, plus all the wreckage I've created in the past " COMPLETE LOSER, NO GOOD i would tell myself". Not just the disease of addiction was keeping me using but it was also all the resentments from the past. I was completely empty inside, my anxiety and depression was so bad i've had suicide attempts, my father killed himself by gun and my mother is also an alcoholic/addict "in treatment". I haven't grieved over my father's death, i've always just numbed myself with drugs.

5 1/2 months ago I went into detox and they tapered me down with a 35mg dose of methadone and cut it back 5 mg's everyday. Once the methadone taper was finished that's when all my feelings hit me, from all the years of burying them and bottling them up, they hit me all at once like a sack of brick, I've never cried so hard in my life, there's 1 good thing and one bad thing with getting your feelings back, the one good thing is you get your feelings back and the bad thing is you get your feelings back. The only thing that kept me clean was a little glimpse of hope and i white knuckled it. The hardest thing I've done in my life and also the best. Being on suboxone or methadone for maintenance is strongly not recommended, statistics show there is a lot of people that end up going back out there and i myself have seen this, i live in a city where there is a lot of recovery and a lot of addicts everywhere. I seen your post and it said "hopeful" and i liked it, it caught my eye because today i have hope, the past is depressing and the future is anxiety so keep it in the day it is hard but remember one thing, it most definitely 100% gets better and worth it, being clean is like a drug itself...I had to write this quick so sorry if it's scattered...God bless and feel free to message me about anything..Find some meetings!!

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