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Re: Second Go
Jan 19, 2011
Lol, you really do resonate with me, maybe because i relate to some of what you've described in your friends, music, lifestyle, etc. On a totally side note, isn't it cool that this huge world is now so much smaller & more accessible?! And no, I don't "blame canada"--least not anymore hehehe. I knew going into this that the odds were long that I would need to take opiates for this ankle again at some point--just for surgery and whatnot. Was even told that by the very pain mgmt doc who so eagerly put me on the rapid detox and sent me packing from the practice. What I didn't expect was to have a problem so soon.

But I AM NOT THROWING IN THE TOWEL OR THINKING I'VE FAILED AT THIS! We had an ice storm, I have a shitty ankle, is what it is. And in looking back at all I went through mentally over that 1/2 pill, I am actually proud of myself. There were soooo many other routes to getting pills, legal routes most of all, that would have offered me more of them, stronger of them, etc. I hated to have to take in any after this struggle so far, but I CHOSE to take as very little as I could, and your assessment is right. I haven't had any new cravings, nor increase in withdrawal symptoms.

I will admit this, only to you (and the millions who read these posts lmao)--I was and have been a toker for a long time. That was never my prob--neither that nor any other stuff but opiates. Could toke every day, then it'd dry up and go months that way. In fact, for years of this ankle thing, that's what I'd do to relieve the pain when it occurred, no probs. I did toke twice in the last couple weeks, very small amounts, with a friend. I don't have any around, don't keep it around at the moment. But I can say, FOR ME, it so greatly helped me with the bad symptoms those 2 times recently, and I was able to not only eat & keep it down, but also to go to sleep w/o any Klonapin. To me, natural things have always been preferred to chemically processed stuff. And, as we all know each of us is different, I know that my demon is opiates. Proof's in the pudding, as they say.

I'm very proud of you and what you're now going through these past couple days and those to come. We both know the difference between having some level of opiate in the system, and none at all. And I am thankful to have found a place where even the most unseemly of topics (think we both know what we're talking here) aren't off the table. We both deal with them, we ALL, all of us opiate addicts, go through them. I am still kinda amazed at myself that I do so much talking on here--despite being a girl, I'm usually pretty slow to open up on many things, especially ones that involve emotion. But I am doing it, and it's helping, you and the boards are helping more than you could know, I only hope reading my garb might be in someway helpful to you, and as many others as might also do so. And to compare where I am now to where I was when I started this process over 2 weeks ago, what a lucky gal I am! As always, THANK YOU :)
Re: Second Go
Jan 23, 2011
So happy to hear it's working it's way down for you Second, getting more manageable as the days go by. Obviously we both know it's not a straight line, and we both still have up times & down times. I did some more stuff in the last hour, got in more B vits (man I love the B-12!!!), but it's still a slow start to the day. Luckily, my NFL Tomboy gets to come out and play today--got the divisional championships today, and that always gets me riled up heehee. And even though I can't play tennis again yet (but determined to rehab the ankle enough to get that back), the Aussie Open is also going on now. So I have those 2 things to add to my helpers today :D

I am beginning to realize something though, regarding why some mornings are still harder to get up and going, for me. Most nights I still need to take my Klonapin to help get to bed and stay there. But since I'm not needing to sleep like 12 hours a night anymore (a good thing, progress), waking up earlier means the benzos are still in me, and that may be adding to my tired feeling when I do wake up. So tonight I'm gonna try to get to sleep on either just like 1/2 a Klonapin, or hopefully none at all. Will put together a new iTunes playlist that's a little more conducive to the longer road to sleepy time than the ones I've made/used before. Of course I'll chronicle here how that goes. And it's nice to be at a point where I'm getting back to being me--being thankful for the little things that come, day by day, to help push me along. My music, my sports, etc. So easy to lose sight of those small joys when you're battling such a monster.

Last night, I came across a new thread from someone REALLY struggling. Right where I was when I started my detox/withdrawal--has just his last few pills left and about to run into that brick wall where he can't get more just yet (least not legally). I felt his fear, his anxiety, his pain, and it so reminded me of how I was so recently. I tried to offer some thoughts, and some sympathy by way of my journey this time and the similarities. Not sure I added some stuff to tie it all together the way I wanted, especially the metaphor I used to try and help him not blame himself and look at his past relapses as failures. I hope it worked, but most of all, I hope he can get the help he needs, here and wherever he can find it, do get on this road now and help him through. Again, not sure if I helped at all, but I am sure I've gotten so much help and support here, so that's what I'll wish for him today. And I'll smile for us, and each day we fight and slay these dragons! See ya in a bit (got movement to do yo lol) :)

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