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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Hi ! I am so desperate for some support.. my husband of 3yrs left me a week ago, he was extremely emmotionally, verbally, mentally abusive. I endured so much pain from this man yet he had me so obsessed that I felt that life is over without him every time he left, he has left alot. This time he took all the money and left me with a big rent bill in less than a week and no money, he is sick in the head.. I got through it by eating percocet like candy, I take been taking 15 -5mg a day, for 3yrs.

I have a great job, nice house, nice car, great life (from the outside) but from the inside, I am dying, I am in hell But I KNOW I can fight this! I know I can stay away from the terrible cycle of abuse , the name calling, the verbal lash outs, the manipulation, the control, my self esteem is on the floor from being called a useless, stupid, unwanted, ugly, whore.. every day of my life! I am not ugly, I am young, fit, take great care of myself etc but this man had me believing I was disgusting, he stopped making love to me in the last 4 months because "I didn't turn him on" no matter how much I begged, cried, or tried talking to him, I just got shot down. I cried myself to sleep every night wondering what was possibly wrong with me that he couldn't touch me. I now realize it was him withholding affection , desires, needs in order to punish me for not being perfect (no matter what I did or how much I did for him I was never a wife, I was wrong, I was bad, I was useless)

i am so hurt inside I just don't know how to go on anymore and I know that the pills have to go in order to get life back in my heart, mind and soul. So I made an appointment at the sub clinic, I did the pee test, blood work and have my official assesment tomorrow at which point I will be assigned a doctor and will be started on the meds as soon as I go 24 hours without the percocet. I am so terrified, I have never gone 24 hours without, I will be sick, I tried one time before to go on sub and I lasted about 8 hours than gave in and took my percocets! BUT this time I am determined, I have to do it, I will be at that appointment tomorrow and I will start this medication .. I posted a year ago about my husband leaving me, wanting to go on sub etc etc and reading it now makes me realize how pathetic I am... over a year ago I was in this exact same both and I did nothing, I took him back and I kept self medicating and things have just gotten worse for me, he has never stopped being the man that he is and I have kept being the addict that I am. My father died a month ago, we never had a relationship he left me as a baby but when he died, when I saw him in his casket, it killed me, he died with nothing, nobody, an addict , alone, sick..I can't be that too...and I am scared that I cant do it! I have to go to work still, and I have to keep taking care of my family. I can't just lay in bed, even when I take my first dose of sub It will be on my lunch and i will be going right back to work afterwards anad I am scared that I will get sick from it, I also suffer from anxiety that oddly enough prevents me from Putting anything foreign in my system or I have massive panic attacks thinking I am od/ing or dying (yet I can pop percocet like candy-weird) I have no idea how it will make me feel and I keep hearing about how you can get very sick from it if not taken when in full withdrawals, is 24hours enough?? what can i do to get through the 24 hours at work and home with my family?

I just want to do this for myself and I want to live again. I make lots of money but I am always broke because of these pills. (15x 5$ /day a pop you can see how that adds up) Nobody can know about this, family (the little family I have) friends, boss, nobody.

please please please if somebody out there knows anything or understands this situation please talk to me. I am begging you please

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