It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Phoenix, I am sorry that I came off like turd, and got all defensive, you do not know my whole story, and I am embarrassed I was so quick to be short with you. This abstinence is new to me, and it sounds like you have been through seven shades of hell, I am sorry.
My parents smoked pot, I can remember shoving towels around my door to keep the stink out of my room. Somewhere in my teenage-Dom, I hooked up with boy that was active in the drug culture. There was a fair amount of pressure on me to do so also. I figured that my parents did so why not? I was 17, the daughter of a teacher(go figure that!). and often seen as stuck up, as I was shy. I think it began, to fit in, as it is with most. Then it became an outlet- my mom has always had cyclic depressions, and i think I believed that pot was better than medications. My parents did not confront me, as they were users too- even when I stole it from them. My first serious relationship, and cohabitation was with another "bad" boy, and he was abusive, and heavy into the drug culture. I managed to stay out of the deeper drugs, except for speed , as I was always fat- and he thought that would change that. I became pregnant, and dropped the speed, got fatter, and had to finally leave him.I was suicidal that day and my mom picked me up and got me into counseling- for the suicidal stuff- not the drugs. She denied that that was my base problem, as did i. I wound up at an unwed mothers' home until I had my daughter, and had"friends" that would come and take me out from the home to get high. and of course, never got caught. Once in subsidized housing, on my own with her,the pot was with me always. I put myself through college, graduated top 10, and landed a job where I still am now, 29 years later. 29 years ago was when i took up with my late husband, also VERY active in the drug culture. The only difference there was he had complete disdain for stimulants as he had recovered from a severe cocaine addiction that almost killed him- but pot, LSD, Mushrooms,those babies were all in. I did not do the LSD, did not 'get off' on the mushrooms, but pot was as much a staple in our lives as milk and bread. My now grown children have still not forgiven me/us for all they did not have as pot has always been expensive. They had what they needed, but when you spend 100 a week(or more) on pot- the math is real. I have had long conversations with them about this, and can never change the past. They are not believing I can do this, as they both(21 and31) have never known me without the drug. But they offer/hold onto the hope that I will kick it. When Ben died 2 years ago now of lung cancer, mets to the brain and the the liver, I slid into the smoke to dull the pain, and to hold onto the old friend- and maybe thinking it kept him with me in a sense. I have never been a drinker, and justified the habit as at least I wasn't buying alcohol, and cigarettes. So this had to be better than that, right? No. Dependance is just that, dependance. It is not independence, and I have recently taken stock of my life after a serious incident at work. My district manager asked me to decide: Am I where I want to be? doing what I should be? What i want to do with the rest of my life? I came to the answer that I do , at work, and had to accept that I am management now(only 2 plus years not being a shift worker) and to embrace the tools to do my job well, and to let go of the past. I have been doing much better with work performance. I am in a much different place with personal finances though, and finally had to accept that if I wish to continue my living situation, I need to get a handle on where I bleed financially. I like my home- and need to keep all things current. The hard wake up call came 2 weeks ago when I got this years property tax bill, and had not paid the second payment from last year. The bill is a mere $200- an ounce of commercial pot in my area. I do not have to tell you how many times over I spent that $200 on pot since march when the now extremely late tax bill was due. This is the first home I have owned ever, getting out of the rent rat race. We bought this place just a short 7 months before the cancer made itself known- he died 16 months later. I feel that there is a great deal at stake here, and a bag of pot just doesn't qualify as a good reason to loose my home, job, relationship with my kids, and the list goes on. There was also an incident where I , just 6 days ago now, I had to fire a poor performing employee. He became angry and made vague threats( he did not know I smoked). After all I have been through, it is time to make the independence real. Then i will also not have to live in fear of being found out, and then having it in my employee file, and having to go the company formal route, drug testing and all.
All the 'friends' of Ben and I became estranged from me since he passed, for any number of reasons, and i have let that go too: so my social circle is limited to work, and the few on line that i converse with. Pot was my quiet, comfortable friend. The long time friend i was buying from will be sad, as he misses my husband also, but will understand. I can rejoin that friendship- maybe- when I am not tempted anymore, maybe not. I have been on antidepressants in the past, but went from taking the edge off, to not caring, and have always had a base fear of pills and dependency on them from the speed background I mentioned, so I quit taking the antidep. too . Now I wonder how much of my dislike for them was because of the pot effects with the drugs. I have always been honest with my doc about the pot use, and they have been too cushy with me, especially since he died- 'oh , the poor young widow'- and he feels that it should be legalized.
So, I am known for being long winded, and have proved that here, and there is the whole sordid story.
Again, I am sorry for snapping and being so defensive- not new behavior for an addict, I am sure you see alot of it. Thank you for snapping me back to the reality what I need to put into my recovery, I truly only felt like all I had to do was to stop.
I can only hope to be as strong as you sound, and to become who I truly am. I am only just beginning to see who that is, and know this road is not as easy as 'just say no'.
It is 60 hours now that I am clean, and i am seeing that I do not reach for the pipe that is no longer there(a pipe Ben gave me when we met)as often as I first did.
Bless you Phoenix.
I am doing ok. It has been 4 days plus 12 hours since I have had none, and I think I am good! I have stopped reflexively reaching for the empty tin and pipe that I put away. I have picked up an occasional cigarette to keep the jeebies away, and take a nice walk with my dog when I have one to get out of the house, and separate myself from the smoking -at -home -alone habit. I do not think there are any physical withdrawals, but just my breaking the habits I had around it- I look forward to getting home now for the pets, my kids, my home , etc, instead of envisioning that first sweet puff. I really enjoyed the Pot always, but do not wish to pursue the compulsion to always have it, at the expense of my expenses for my life. I feel like it dulled things I maybe did not want to handle, especially since my husband died. I am looking forward to the time when I quit measuring time by when i stopped, but realize I may always reflect on it that way. I took a walk last eve and someone nearby was smoking some righteous sweet stink bud, and it was on the wind. I smelled it , noticed it, and lit my cigg, and kept on celebrating that I am taking control, and not being controlled. I know the ciggs are a crutch, but also a temp. one. they seem to be helping, and I will phase them out also, when i am stronger with my sobriety. Strange to call it that, but it is what it is. I am feeling a real sense of accomplishment, and that coupled with my ongoing weight loss, I am feeling really good about myself right now. I have had a little trouble sleeping, but have taken a couple of regular tylenol to help- wanting to avoid the pm versions tylenol- DON"T need to build a NEW dependance! I am going to make a docs apt today, as I am long overdue for a physical. I may need an antidepressant as days grow shorter, as I have displayed the seasonal depression disorder in the past. I predict even those will be different without the pot effects on top of it. I also have had high blood pressure in the past, and have those resisted meds due to their side effects. I am thinking this new change coupled with the now82 pound weight loss will have a positive effect on that health issue. so, am feeling pretty good about it all, now, and have been glad to have some days off to deal with the home aspects of this change. I think it can only improve the work performance, because I will not be at work, waiting to go home to my pipe. Thank you, Gardenandcats, and Phoenix, for being here, and sharing with me, and supporting the change I am going through. I do not have alot of that as the addiction was a secret. My kids are more in belief that I will persevere, but I think they are waiting till payday to truly believe it. Their proof will be when there is money in my pocket, and I do not go get it. They are both surprised that I have not called my man to 'front 'it, as I always did in the past. But, times change, and I feel like I need to be in control of the parts of my life and behavior that I can in a world where so much is beyond my control. One day at at time- one minute at a time. My love and prayers to any and all fighting any fight. God Bless

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:52 PM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!