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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Amazing story. So, you didn't tell who the new you is? I'm inspired to her a good story like that. Your family must be so delighted to have you back. What started you on them in the first place, and how long did you take them? I know we shouldn't compare our lives with others but I think so many of us get on them for real pain, that pain causes anxiety and we reach out for a fix, then we end up stuck on the spin cycle. You're blessed that you have such a great support network around you. Welcome back indeed! I so appreciate you sharing all that with me.

I probably never should have used those pills. I had addiction issues in the past, cleared it and a few years later, went to the pills. Jeez, once you walk through that door, you can't forget it's there. But, from what you've written, it seems you know the portal exists, you are gladly not going to walk back through it again. I think that's living sober -seeing the road but not driving down it because you know where it leads.

It's odd how we forget who we are.

For so many years I was a tough chickie, and I still am, but I someone got used to the idea that regular life needed a lift. I recall how much I loved life before, I got the wonder and the awe just from being here. It's been a long time since I felt that way. I have a child with special needs and it has taken so much work, I wound up using addiction as a cruch for it, for the pressure and long hours. I run my own business too. It is very stressful.

For me, the hardest part has been that I don't really know why I'm not healthy, other than the obvious - I take crap all the time, how would I really know what I feel or dont? If I could just solve that riddle, I think 98 percent of my anxiety would be gone. But masking anything makes no sense and causes its own unique problems. How do you really know if you're better if you keep taking things to hide it? You don't. I think I hit that point where this is just so stupid, I can't help but stop. I think with all the medical stuff still up in the air, the benzos might take me some time to get rid of. But, I am trying not to use the Vicodin because I want to listen to my body, to hear what it's saying, narcos are background noise.

You know what I wonder? I wonder if those benzos zap your body's natural ability to handle stress, thus creating a greater and greater need for them. I started taking them because I couldn't sleep (a friend gave them to me - yeah thanks), then I wound up getting a perscription during some of my medical tests two years ago beccause I had full-on panic attacks, one in an MRI machine (God that was embarassing as hell too. I had no idea I was afraid of the tube). But, seems that my body can no longer function under normal load without going on overload? Is that something that long-term benzo use does to a person? Does it reduce our body's own ability to handle everyday stress. You know I had a panic attack on the freeway the other day. That is just not me at all.

I have never retreated from life but lately, I've been going that way. I'm burned out on all pills and smoking and waking up like crap each day, of wondering why I'm not well, imagining the worst, taking pills to blot it out and keep charging ahead.

For me, I think I need to dump those Vicodins, like I said, and figure out what is wrong with me medically. Then, once we know, hopefullly it's nothing major and I can work myself off the benzos.

I want to get to the place where you are, where we all should be - in reality. :)

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