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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Hi everyone :) I'm new, and feel so much relief and support just finding these boards. I know it sounds cliche but it's great to not feel alone in this.

I am an oxy/vicodin/norco addict. I've been on suboxone for 15 months now. I've tried a few times to taper down and stop but always end up freaking out when the withdrawal kicks in. :( I'm taking 4 mg a day now, and was down to two, but I was SO TIRED. All I wanted to do was sleep, and at the same time I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety. I think my doc would be glad to keep me on this forever $$$. I'm hoping to get back down to 2mg again, and my psychiatrist gave me a new thing to try for the exhaustion - nuvigil - anyone hear of it? I think it's for sleep disorders/narcolepsy. I need to research. I'll get there eventually. I don't regret starting the subox - I think it saved me in a way, and it definitely stopped the pill counting mania I was wrapped up in. Worrying over how many I had left and when I could get more and did I have enough money and how many could I take tomorrow if I can't get more until x day etc etc. THAT ended with subox, thank god. But the reliance on a pill is still here and I hate it.

I think beyond the physical issues of getting off the subox merry go round is I still have moments/hours/even days where I can't stop thinking about oxy, and even dreaming about it. a few months ago, I found a hidden stash of 6 vicodins in a drawer I was cleaning. Of course I have no memory of putting them there or when, and in desperate times I tore my ouse apart I can't believe I didn't find them. Anyway, I carried them in my pocket all that day. I knew I could take them and not feel them because of the subox. I waited 24 hrs, took all three....and felt NOTHING. Who knows how long that subox stays in the system really. I cried. I got myself together. Took my subox. Was okay for awhile....beyond the usual times when someone mentions pills or I run across something that reminds me. I was doing pretty good until the other night. I actually got up in the middle of the night wednesday, drew a picture of an 80mg oc with a green pen and stared at it. It reminded me of a pea. So I thought "I'm the Princess and the OC" (get it? princess and the pea? URGH! lol) Anyway, I felt completely insane sitting there staring at a drawing of a tiny green pill. And stupid. But, I take this whole thing day by day. It's all I can do ya know?
It's been helping a lot to just read everyone elses posts on here though as I said ;) And I just wanted to say THANK YOU. And thanks for readng/listening ;-)

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