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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Hey everyone, this is my first post, so I will give my background story and then let you know how everything is going 4 months later. So shortly after i graduated from fsu in 2009 I got caught up in the whole oxy mess and developed a painkiller addiction in late '09. I went from doing 15 mg's once in a blue moon to 90 mg's a day just to feel normal. Finally in early 2011 i had taken enough abuse of going through the daily grind and just wanted to feel how i did before i stopped. I started taking suboxone, and would quit two weeks at a time and end up relapsing over and over and over, so many times i cant even count...(very demoralizing) I had numerous friends with problems and thought suboxone was the only way i was going to be able to stop. Boy was I wrong!

I did the on off deal for about a year. I remember christmas of 2011, i was high as a kite around my family and justified it to myself that i couldn't stop these and it was ok. I was content with taking these little devils the rest of my life cause i could. not. stop! New years went by, so did my resolution. i had the whole thing planned out. Adderall for work/energy, xanax for anxiety, this for nausea, etc. I relapsed a couple more times till finally 2/26/12 i can remember it like it was yesterday. I had gotten a call from the bank wanting to know where there money was cause i had overdrafted my account, and i was dodging them like the black plague. I had no money, and i was working 40 hours a week at a pretty darn good job and barely hanging on. Thousands of dollars in debt,doing terrible in graduate school, losing good true friends by the day, and addicted to this monster i let into my life, i just sat in my tub and cried my eyes out that day. Im a 25 year old man from a military family with ALOT of self pride and i just broke down...I couldn't even look myself in the mirror, i was a much shame. I knew every day i kept doing these at this rate that my life was gonna end up even worse or i was going to end up dead.

That day, i did the thing i never ever thought i would/could have the balls to do, I walked into my parents home with my tail between my legs, and told them everything. To my cloudy-headed:rolleyes: surprise they werent mad at me at all,lol obviously. just worried and didn't understand why i didnt come to them sooner. I guess parents dont understand what its like to be the one letting them down. I grew up not believing in addiction. I just assumed people were mentally or physically weak, lol damn i was wrong! Just telling someone that i knew could help me or just listen to me vent even if it was my own parents was a HUGE lift off my shoulders. The only other people i could even talk about it with were the other addicts i was hanging around.

Finally I had found someone i could be honest with on a day to day basis without b-sing people and hiding my secret. They offered to help, but only under a couple of conditions. I had to detox at there home for 2 weeks, had to take 2 drug tests a week for a year, had to delete all my numbers, and change my phone number so the wrong people couldnt get ahold of me and we agreed I shouldn't go on suboxone treatment.(*This was just the way i decided to do my treatment. Nothing against suboxone, but with my experience personal, and with friends, all of them who have used suboxone therapy have either relapsed or got back on what they were trying to get off of) I just felt like i did this to myself, so i need to go through detox like a man and feel the full brut of the detox so i could have more respect for the process, man was it awful!!!! I just knew if i had the suboxone, i would take it each time i felt like crap, I would still be satisfying that craving with something to take its place. For me oxy and suboxone gave me the same feeling. So No suboxone for me. The first two weeks were worse than all the chemotherapy i was ever put through for that year i had osteosarcoma in my femur. cold/hot sweats, anxiety, sleeplessness, restless legs, nausea, depression, acid reflux, the whole nine yards. Every day i would get up and feel like i wasnt getting any better. I was so upset that i had the feeling like it was gonna last forever. My skin was crawling! I had diarrhea, and could only keep down water. Thank god i had a previous prescription for ambien and zofran(chemo nausea medicine) and ibuprofen. They helped give me some quality of life, still it was pretty lousy.

After about 2.5 weeks i finally started to fall asleep at night. Slowly but surely with getting sun, playing golf, and doing light exercise I would start to feel better each day. I cut out junk food, soda, etc, and started getting at least 1 hr of activity a day. It helped so much!! before the pills i was a gymrat lifting 5 days a week so it may have been easier for me to get back into the exercise, but its unreal how activity and the sun can restore some happiness. I relapsed one time since i quit which was at a wrestling event; haha i know laugh it up. . It had been forever since i had been and a buddy is still really into it, so i went on 4/3/12. At that point i had been sober for a little under two months. I somehow (stupidly) justified that it was ok to "reward" myself for staying sober and doing so good that i was allowed to take a couple. I had a mental MMA match with my conscience for two days and folded like a damn beach chair on the day of the event. Not only was i super depressed the next day after the event/relapse, i had let my friends, family and most of all myself down. But as bad as i felt for relapsing, that one time changed my life. I absolutely HATED the high and how i felt that night.

I was sweaty, nausea's, had a headache, looked like crap, and was just upset with myself as soon as i crushed it up. But what it did do is open my eyes up that I had already made it, i was fine without these pills, i just couldnt realize it. I didn't need to reward myself for anything. Each day sober was a rewarding experience. I just had to come to grips that I can never under any circumstances take any type of pain medication. Thats just how it is and has to be. Since then i have stayed away from everything completely. I relapsed, excepted it, and moved on. Even though im only 4 months out(almost 6 if you count when i originally stopped), i feel like a new man! The small things make me happy again. Laying around watching movies with the gf, hanging with family and friends sober, seeing alot of movies. I now enjoy the things sober that i used to have to be on Pk's to have the same enjoyment. The toughest part was not the addiction, it was just relearning how to live each day sober and realize that i was sick and needed outside help. It was very tough for me to break down like that but it saved my life reaching out. I love the fact i never think about them, its a high in itself knowing that i don't need anything except friends, family, food, water, and sleep. Im not attached to my cell phone praying to god someone would pick up and satisfy that urge. It has been a long tough process, but it is possible guys.

Like i said earlier this time last year, i would never in a million years think i would be where im at today. Yea i still have anxiety some days, and some heartburn, but all in all im a sober happy individual, and i did it without suboxone and other medications with the exceptions to the ones i listed(which i only took for the first two weeks). You can do it guys, all you have to do is take the first step. I know i was fortunate enough to have someone to go to, I just had no other choice. I was flat broke and didnt have money for rehab, or else i wouldn't have put this whole burden on the two people that love me the most. So surround yourself with good people and believe in yourself. You got yourself into this mess, so its up to you to dig your way out. I stopped w/o meetings and never really got on the forums, I only vented to friends and family that would listen. Just writing all of this I already feel even better. So get out there and start the first day of the rest of your life!

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