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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

high every one, My name is Brandie and i am writing this because i am awake at 3:45 a.m. since i ran outta ambien, and the tylenol p.m. dont work no more, since my weed stash is getting low, i have nothing to help me sleep...why so i need it u ask? because I am a full blown Drug addict and i just realized it about a month ago, how stupid that sounds...I think i have been on drugs since i was 12 and i drank my first beer out side of the bar my mom worked at on my im 20 years old and i dont go one day outta the week without takeing some kind of drug..even if its nyquil...i have a serious problem, its like, i really dont even wanna live anymore, i cant get outta this trap i somehow got myself into...its like if im not high, i might as well just die because i cannot possibly find any joy in life other then that "High" i need to have...By the time i was 13 i had been tweeking (speed) for half of a year and started smoking pot, then started stealing muscle relaxers from my mom who has (FMS) and is an alcoholic and usually was too drunk or self involved to even notice that i could walk a strait line...i remember in 8th grade taking so many Soma's before school that by the time i got there i had completely passed out...i woke up, mom was there to pick me up, i told her i was sick, and that was one ever said ****...then as i entered high school i was doing everything from acid, weed, mushrooms, speed, crack cocaine, pcp and any pills i could get ahold of..after i graduated i pretty much got to where i was only taking Vicodin and smoking pot Every day just to wake up and get outta bed...although i had wuit all of the other drugs, those were, im sure just as bad...from the Vicodin it went to Valium, Ambien, Xanex, Soma's, Flexeral, Elevil and smoking about an ounce of pot a week along with my Fiance' who knows a little about my pill problem but not all, he just smokes pot...i quit my job in november and have not even attempted to get another one, i just gave up i guess, all i wanna do is sit in my house and get as high as i possibly can, i dont even leave, i have basically made all of my friendships into weekly phone calls..i had gallbladder surgery about a year ago when i was 19, and ever since then i have massive stomache aches and feel like crap all the time, i also have severe IBS, im not saying that is an excuse for all the drug abuse but the drugs do ease the pain...i know i should get help, go to na, rehab, all of these thing i can think of...bnut the thing is is that i really dont care to get better, i would be fine if i just could get so high that eventually i just pass away....although others, my fiance, my mom, aunt, Grandmother feel differently, they seem to think there is help and all, but i dont get it? cant they see? i have completely givin up....i dont wanna go back...the hard part is that i love them and i know what i do is hurting them....that is why i am posting so alone even though they are here, i am alone...
any advice would be appreciated :)


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