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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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I can understand how you feel but it is not your responsibility to watch over your stepdad- if he is irresponsible, he must take the responsibility for this. My boyfriend rang me since I posted to you earlier and says, he is really fed-up with his drinking. He fell and hurt his back while rollerblading!!!
He has got much closer to stopping since I have stepped back and left him at it. I used to have him ringing me in the middle of the night to come over to him as he felt down or wanted to go out ďand partyĒ. I have changed a lot since then. Now I have made clear to him that I want nothing to do with him when he drinks. He understands this and in fact is glad somewhat (though feels bad that this is necessary), as he doesnít want to hurt me.
Your mother sounds somewhat like mine. My mother stayed with my father for 20 years during which time, he drank constantly. They separated when she discovered, he was having an affair. He used to hide a white jacket in a cupboard which he ďsmuggled outĒ for his nights out dancing! Up until recently, she was very bitter about the fact that he never told her, he had no intention to stop. My father isnít a very nice man, even without the drink. Still my mother blamed him for the life she wasted. My boyfriend and I have broken up many times Ė he did it sometimes as he didnít want me to have my life ruined by him. Now we agree, we are meant for each other and there is no need to break upÖ.
Öbut back to you. Your mother must realise for herself that she made the choice to stay with your dad, she had years of happiness and he doesnít intentionally want to go back to the nightmare of drinking. Your mother too must accept responsibility for her own life. Even if your dad never stops drinking, she can choose to look at her past time with him as a waste or as special memories which enriched her life. Perhaps she is also doing the right thing by insisting, she will not tolerate his behaviour. You must learn to look after yourself and it is very difficult to do this with an alcoholic.
What you need to do with your dad is make clear that you donít want him coming to the door IN ADVANCE of it happening. Donít feel guilty for making him feel bad. The reason you have to do this is because of his behaviour and you must show him that this is not acceptable to you. This doesnít mean , you do not love him. Donít worry- inside he knows, you love him as you know, he loves you. You need to set boundaries with which you feel safe. If you feel, you can cope with him drunk-fine but personally, I donít see much point in being around someone who has been drinking. You only get hurt, upset and angry and they direct their anger at you for this. In the morning, they donít even remember what happened accurately and accuse you of all sorts of things. Donít let this happen to you- this is what damages people. It is okay for you to look after your own sanity and he will thank you for it eventually.
My boyfriend was very angry with me for a few months when I left him in jail for 2 nights last March! He expected me to leave work and bail him out immediately. It was the turning point in our relationship. Things were difficult afterwards but now we are close again and I can still be happy with my own life while he goes out drinking.
Keep posting to me-as you can see, Iím not afraid of long posts!!!! If you are worried or upset, talk to me and I will try and help you understand the situation as I have learnt to from my own situation. Try and find books in the library (there are some very good ones) about addiction that you learn to understand that your dad doesnít mean it personally towards anyone. You will also learn how to save yourself some of the pain that is obviously there for you now. Take time for yourself and tell your parents you need it. They will understand and if they donít-TOUGH!!!!

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