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I am an addict
Jan 27, 2014
Admitting I am an addict is the most incredibly hard thing I've ever done. Don't get me wrong, I have struggled with prescription use/abuse/dependence and addiction off and on for 15 years. I've had a few years of abstinence since my struggle began but frankly, I "feel better" if I am medicated. And I am sick to death of it and scared that is where it is going to lead me- death.
My story is much like many here I'm sure. I was a legitimate pain patient suffering from very painful endometriosis in my early 30's. I has two young sons and a husband who was very bent towards addiction. I remember the first time I was prescribed hydro condone- I didn't know what it was. He did though and finished the prescription justifying it by telling me my doctor would gladly give me more due to the terrible pain I went through on a monthly basis. It did not take me long to realize the pills were great for killing emotional pain as well as physical pain. Hubby (who is now an ex... Came out after 23 yrs of marriage) was in much worse shape that I was in but this is about me and not him. First time in my life I can admit that. Sad. Anyway, he went to rehab and I went on OxyContin just after it was put on the market in the mid to late 1990's chronic pain. It took me exactly one month to become hooked and one year later I was in inpatient rehab after an intervention that ex hubby put together. The MOST humiliating thing I've ever been through but I came out on the other side clean. Not really sober but clean. We went about the "business" of raising the boys and running a business. By all appearances we were living a good upper middle class life. Appearances only - something was very wrong in my marriage. I was unable to put my finger on it and nothing I did made him happy. I discovered how easy it was to order internet pills and started taking Xanax for very real anxiety. I was experiencing constant diarrhea and sores in my mouth from the stress at home that I tried to cover up in public. I live in a small southern town and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to know how much misery was behind my closed doors. I lost so much weight that my family and friends thought I had an eating disorder. No. I had a living disorder. Dysfunctional on many levels. I remember crying myself to sleep many many nights because I loved this man who was my high school sweetheart and I simply could not make him happy and I could not figure out why. At some point I did go to the doctor and was prescribed Xanax and klonopin along with a series of antidepressants. Ex hubby and I drag on and the boys were getting older and finishing high school. They both went to different colleges and I somehow thought the marriage could be saved even though I had no idea what was wrong or how to fix it. In April 2010 I stumble across his internet history and it was obvious he was in a same sex relationship. Actually several of them, but that is another story. I was shocked beyond belief to say the least. I confronted him and we immediately separated and divorced. My extended family asked me on several occasions if I was back on prescription medicine and of course I denied it. I had a great "excuse". Who wouldn't need "a little something" to calm your nerves after going through close to a decade of silent hell, I rationalized? Going through his coming out and the divorce; dealing with my sons who worshipped their dad and were devastated as well was simply horrible. I felt like he stole my chance to be happy. (Thankfully the world has come a very long way with regard to same sex relationships and this has helped my sons...)
In the spring of 2012 I ran out of pills early (again) and my internet source did not come through. I was getting ready to go to work and had a grand mal seizure in front of my elderly father.
Back to 28 day rehab.
Tapered off the benzos in one week and left feeling miserable physically and emotionally. The drama of the previous years took a toll of the relationship I had with my extended family (I was very close to my sisters and my mother) and they distanced themselves from me. All of a sudden I was alone. My boys were in college and my family was tired of me. I was physically miserable and emotionally depressed. This was not how I had envisioned the Empty Nest years at all...
Winter 2013 I googled natural antidepressants and somehow came across the plant kratom that is totally legal and supposed to be a natural pain killer and antidepressant. It is. It is also addictive and a year later I've found myself dependent on this plant that very few even know about and scary in debt.
I am am addict. I have no one to blame this time but myself. Can't blame chronic pain or ex-husband. Return to rehab is simply not an option as I started a new job a couple of months ago am am living paycheck to paycheck.
If my extended family learns of this new development they will cut ties completely. I am scared to death and wonder if I can get off this stuff alone....
I don't have a choice but I do not even know how to taper off this stuff. I cannot believe I've allowed myself to sink this low.
Does anyone else struggle like this? I feel so alone. I am alone. I am not trying to play victim at all- pls don't misunderstand. I take full responsibility. I just was so tired of feeling so bad all of the time and I have made it a thousand times worse.
I don't even know why I am posting all of this except I had to get this off my chest and "say it out loud". I miss my old life to some degree and I really miss the relationship I had with my sisters. I would love to find a relationship to be in but I have nothing to give at this point. Who wants a middle age woman with debt and an addiction to something most people have never heard of? I know I would not want a man who has the issues I have.
I am so so sad and very scared. How will I pay the bills and how will I get off of this kratom which IS addictive and does cause opiate type withdrawal. I've tried a couple of times to go without it and the RLS; lethargy; upset stomach--- all of it comes on within 24 hours.
I realize how lame that sounds. Please don't blast me. I've done plenty of that. I could use a friend who gets it even if it is a virtual friend. I can't go on like this yet I can't seem to get off the hamster wheel.
I apologize for the length of this post and know I've rambled. Internet has turned out to be a friend and foe to me.
Thx for listening.

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