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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

I've been addicted to vicodin off and on for about 7 years. 2 years ago I quit, I didn't actively seek out pills, but if a doctor prescribed them I took the whole bottle. For the last 6 months I've gotten on them again full time. Yesterday I ran out and the withdrawals were so horrible that I asked a friend for a few of her darvocet, claiming a bad toothache. I went to bed wondering how I could get more pills today. I got so disgusted with myself I decided I wasn't going to do it. I'm sick of dragging myself to doctors with fake pain to get pills, my latest was a broken tailbone that I've ridden out for a month between 3 doctors. I'm sick of feeling ashamed every time I ask for a refill. I'm not going to be brought down by a stupid pill that doesn't even make me feel that good anymore. I started out with legitimate pain and then took them for the high they gave me. But the more I take, the less of a high I get. I have to take 3 pills to get the same effect I used to get from 1 and I'm taking them almost every hour. The last 3 days I was on them I didn't get anything out of it at all. I'm ready to get off them for good, and I was never ready before. The first time I quit was only because I couldn't afford it and I was never desperate enough to sacrifice bill or grocery money to get my pills. I suppose I haven't hit what some would think of as rock bottom, but it's close enough for me. I can see the point where I lose all my pride and nothing matters except my pills and I refuse to get to that point. What hurts me most now is squirming in the doctor's office feeling like an idiot and being ashamed for asking. I can't count how many pharmacies I use because I can't take them thinking I'm a junkie for bringing in prescriptions two or three times a week from different doctors. I've always been told I have too much pride but I believe it's keeping me from ruining my life right now. My family knows nothing about this and I don't want them to know (pride yet again!) so I'm going through this all alone again. The first time was horrible but I managed to make everyone think I had a bad case of the flu. I'm terrified of going through this again and I don't think I can do it alone. I'm thinking of confessing to one of my doctors and see if he can help me through the withdrawal and cravings. I can use immodium and motrin to help with the stomach cramps, body aches and fever, but it's the anxiety I'm worried about. When the cravings get so bad that I just sit on the bed shaking and crying. I don't know if I can do that again. I'm feeling okay right now but my hands are starting to shake and it's going to get worse. Sorry this is so long, basically I just wanted advice on what to say to my doctor and what can help with the anxiety.

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