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Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Board Index

Re: My MIL Has AD
Jul 17, 2006
Dear Ms Jones,

I hear you !!! I hear your frustration, your grief and your bewilderment at the entire situation. I hear you loud and clear because I too was the daughter in law, but I was the primary carer in my case.

My ex-charge went from a wise and loving quiet lady, to an incontinent, screaming, violent stubborn woman .. and it didn't take long at all. We were asked by my FIL to move in and help nurse him in his final stages of lung disease, and as a bonus we got MIL ! My husband and I have 3 children, and we lived upstairs in a cramped little bed & breakfast (2 bedrooms only, kitchenette, no real stove, lounge/dining were about the size of a proper bedroom) ..yeah .. it was cramped. I cooked for everybody on my 2 hotplates and mini oven.

My MIL would often invade our space, because it was, after all, her house. All she understood was we had invaded upstairs for some strange reason, because she was perfectly FINE thank you very much and could look after herself and her husband quite nicely !

Alas, this lovely lady would burn pots, cook inedible food, leave hotplates on (I hear ya about getting things disconnected .. we had to do that too), put clothes in the microwave or oven along with lots of other inappropriate things. She would urinate wherever, and drank LOTS of wine.

Lots of wine/alcohol in an AD person is NOT a good idea, but you try telling them that !! So I understand about the cigarette thing too.

I agree with the girls, DH [B]has[/B] to call a family meeting [B]ASAP[/B] and lay down the rules and get some new ones put in place. You two need some outside assistance, you two need some INTERVENTIONS put into place before this destroys your marriage. You both must be assertive in your journey with this disease, because passive won't get you anywhere.

Because it will. I promise you. If your left on your own to battle with this disease, your marriage will suffer greatly. My marriage was most certainly on the line until we 'escaped', and we had immense family problems (eg: It was MY fault MIL was so whacky .. because we moved in their voluntarily - regardless we were asked .. and of course, we had no help from other family members but LOTS of critisism!!!)

Unfortunately, everybody involved will have to learn how to twist 'facts' into 'fiction' to make MIL safe. When she asks for cigarettes, duck out of the house, and on your return let her know the shop had run out ! If she won't go out herself, she won't go and check!

And finally, there is [U]nothing wrong [/U]with placing a loved one in care. It's not easy, it's probably the worst day of your life, but ultimately, you will learn that the leading factor is to keep them dry, fed and safe. You cannot do that when they are at home on a 24/7 basis. It's impossible (I know, I tried ... LOL) Our AD charges are VERY clever at manipulating situations to get their own way and you have to stay VERY alert to keep at least one step ahead of them.

So Ms. Jones, in your journey with AD, don't forget to take time out so you and your husband can reconnect. Your MIL won't be around forever, and you don't want to lose the love of your life over something that isn't forever. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be, but I have learnt some damn hard lessons in the last few years and if I can help just one person, then my lessons have been learnt well.

Big hugs

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