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Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board


Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Board Index


Well it has been a bumpy road with my mom for the last two years, and now with my sister diagnosed with frontal lobe Dementia it has been even sadder. now for my rant, my BIL called me and was explaining to me all about alzheimers and such, for the past two years I have been trying to tell them about my mom and now all of a sudden he is the expert....Over the last two years I have told him and my sister over and over the problems I have encounter and they seemed to sluff it off, no support, denial big time , now I am heartboken about my sis, when she traveled to a larger city for tests a few weeks ago, they wanted me to meet her there and be there,.. The hospital she went to would have envolved a plane trip for me. I told my BIL that he needed to be with my sis, not me, they are both retireed and I am not sure why He wanted me to go instead of him... ... I know she is my sis, but I do have my hands full with my mom and I do not know if I can stretch myselve one more way...I will be there for my sis when she needs me and will travel if I must...It just seems to me that until they were faced with this that it was on the back shelve, now he is the expert telling me what I should be doing... I am torn and feeling guilty about not going and being there with my sis. By the by we did not tell my mom about this as it would cause to much upset and we all felt that there was no need to upset her.... I think that I could use a corner of one of those towels that you guys are handing out....
Dear Jagsmu,

Wait. Don't panic right away. Just as we all learned to do it the hard way, learned to accept reality and not try to bring the person back into our reality, your BIL will also learn how to deal with it. If your sis is in the early stages, there is a good chance she will not be too far gone when the new medicine comes out ... or maybe she does not have Dementia at all but has some other problem which can be treated now. Perhaps this new testing will show it is not frontal lobe dementia.

You were absolutely right not to go to the hospital by plane. What is he thinking? He can NOT slough off his responsibility onto you just because he thinks you can do it better (thus proving that all along that you have been right about your Mom).

If he cannor deal with it, it is up to him to get all the right insurance, POAs, find a nice group home, NH or assisted care place for her, pay for it, or get her onto a state paid plan. None of that has anything to do with you at all. He will struggle through it as best he can. If your sister has grown up children they will most likely contact you for advice, and you are in a good position to make suggestions but not demands. You are not in any way required to offer practical help!

I often thought, during al the years my sister was in denial about our Mom, that maybe her intense fear of losing her own control over her life and mind was behind her refusal to believe Mom had dementia. I made out my mental plan for that contingency back then - a few years ago. If she gets dementia her husband and her grown children have the right, the responsibility and the means to take care of her; I will have nothing to do with it except a friendly word now and then.

You have no reason to feel guilty when you refuse to do some irrational thing an unthinking person asks you to do!

I hope they call you when they get a diagnosis --- to inform you, not to ask for your full time help!

Love,

Martha





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