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Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Board Index

New to all of this!
Jan 19, 2011
Hello everyone, I’m new to this site, and new to the disease. I’m really trying to come to some understanding. Our story: Sorry it is long!

My father in law was recently diagnosed Frontal Lobe Dementia. My FIL is and has been his entire life a narcissist. We all started to notice strange behavior. Accusing people of not coming to see him when he was hospitalized, when this person was there daily. Not being able to write a check or address an envelope. Ordering things from infomercials, and then accusing his son of stealing his credit card and ordering these things. Having a conversation and agreeing to things, then saying the conversation never took place.

So he was finally diagnosed. We all know that he has this disease, BUT his behavior really is no different. Such as, he does nothing wrong, he didn’t do it, it is someone else that did that, there is nothing wrong with me, I didn’t lose it, somebody took it, the doctor is lying, you are lying etc…. it goes on and on.

He then started doing other strange things, giving his dogs tea bags, and calling them their treats, putting cheese puffs in the microwave and burning them, and feeding them to the dogs. One time he put sugar, lettuce, and yogurt in a bowl for the dogs. Forgetting to take his meds. Then his speech changed almost overnight. First it was just a few words, and you could make out what he was trying to say. One time he was calling everything from his meds to his garage lettuce and produce, another time it was wood and rabbits. Now it is mostly gibberish, like made up words. But what seems bizarre, it seems like he can understand what is being said to him, and he will just talk (gibberish) like he carrying on a normal conversation, and he becomes upset when we tell him we don’t understand what he is saying. He thinks he is talking “normal.” He has also been eating with his fingers.

During the course of all this, we tried to get some help. He would not allow it. Just someone to come and spend some time with him, do some cooking and cleaning. He refused, he felt we should take care of him, we could clean, we could cook or he would do it himself! Because there is nothing wrong with him. A nurse comes out once a week to put his meds in his Sunday through Saturday pill case, she checks his blood pressure, temp, and does some observing.

After his last doctor visit, the doctor told him he could no longer live alone, and he would need to move in with his daughter. Be blew his top! Of course there is nothing wrong with him, he can take care of himself!

A CNA was hired for 4 days a week, round the clock. FIL threw a fit, did not want to let this person into his house. FIL was told by a family member that his doctor said it was either that or he would have to leave his home, and live with them or in assisted living, and we all want him to be able to live in his house. The answer was still a big NO. FIL was then told, that this person CNA was there to evaluate him for a few weeks, to see if he could pass the “test.” He agreed.

My husband and I were visiting and coming to meet the caretaker, I kept observing FIL, I could see he was very irritated. I’ve noticed over a period of time that he has 3 looks. A crazed/scared look, a blank look, and a look where he is trying to pretend he does not know what is going on, but he is on an information gathering mission. Anyway, it was day three of the caretaker being there, and FIL was becoming very irritated, but I could tell he was just bidding his time, wanting to pass the “test.” The next day the caretaker was leaving, and we would be taking care of him for a few days, then the caretaker would be returning Monday morning.
FIL said he wanted the caretaker out of HIS house, and he better never come back. One family member told him that the caretaker would be back, and it had to be this way, his doctor said. FIL was told that he can not live alone, and if he didn’t want the caretaker in his house, then he would not be able to live in his house. So it was a huge mess, and FIL was very angry, calling people names, throwing people out of his house etc… FIL was refusing to speak to his daughter and her husband, just pretending like they were not really there.

All the family was over Sunday, it was his birthday. We all sang him Happy Birthday, and it was time to blow out the candles. He had a puzzled look on his face, I showed him to blow, still nothing, he reached with his hand and put the candles out, his daughter hit his hand away from the candles. FIL wanted to know why his daughter “hit” him! So we move on, and he get’s his cake and ice cream, and he is eating with his fingers, we try to give him a spoon, and he just brushes it off and uses his fingers. He decides he wants more cake, he serves himself, he puts it in a bowl. I had a fountain coke sitting on the table, I watch as he takes the lid and straw from my coke, and he starts pouring it into the bowl!

While we were there for FIL’s bday party, we discuss “Monday” the caretakers return. FIL does not think the caretaker will be back, because he told him to “never come back.” FIL’s daughter and her husband decide they will not be coming over the next day, because they had already endured much abuse from FIL, the past Friday, plus he was only blaming them regarding the caretaker (they brought the CT into the house). So, it was to be me, my husband and BIL. When the caretaker arrived FIL went ballistic! Yelling, telling him to leave, I told you never to come back etc… he would not let the CT put his suit case in the room, FIL was yelling at me, and my BIL telling us to get out of his house, and take the CT with us! This went on and on. CT told us to leave, which we did. We went outside, and waited, just incase he might need some help. Then FIL comes outside, trying to tells us, his doctor lied, he wanted this STRANGER gone, what is wrong with us? Trying to get a neighbor to side with him and make the CT go away. The CT finally tells us we need to leave, he will handle things. We leave. I guess FIL just laid down in his front yard, refusing to go back inside.

FIL is “somewhat calm” but he once again thinks he needs to pass a test, so he can live alone. This is the only reason he is tolerating the CT. I feel terrible for the CT, FIL constantly roams at night, trying to get into his “pills”, it is like he never sleeps! The CT has got to be bouncing off the walls with no sleep.

All the stuff that I’ve written, FIL did not really speak those words, it was just what he was trying to say, it was all in gibberish.

I don’t know what medications FIL is on, most of them are for physically problems, he takes 1 memory pill, a pill that is supposed to make him “mellow” (obviously it is not working) and at night he takes a sleeping pill, and that does not seem to be working either.

We are all just besides ourselves. FIL has always been this way. Mean, pitting his kids against each other, always has to have his way, always thinks he is right, never having to listen to anyone, just doing as he pleases, saying mean things to get his way, lying to get his way etc…. It makes it really hard, to look at him, and just say “it’s the disease.”

At the moment we are all staying away, allowing FIL to get used to the CT. But Friday morning is fast approaching, and we will all have to take our turn being with him. He does not forget he is angry, he does not forget we are all against him(in his mind). It seems there are certain things he never forgets! I am at the point I don’t want to go over there, and have to go through this insanity. When I left him on Monday, he was so angry at me. All we did was explain to him that he needed this care for his own safety, that his doctor insisted he was incapable of living alone.
FIL wants his kids to take care of him, he has no concept that we have jobs, homes, yards, kids and a life of our own. None of those things matter to him and they never have, it is all about him and what we all can do for him, and that is how it has always been, that is why it is hard to blame his behavior on his dementia.

Any advice?

PS he has a social worker, and a geriatric doctor now.

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