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Anger Management Message Board


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Can someone tell me what you think of my situation? Am I over-reacting or am I seeing the situation for what it is?
I have been married for ten years and my husband has always had a problem expressing emotions. He stuffs it until he detonates. He used to scream and punch walls, then started flipping furniture. He never used to follow me from room to room to scream at me.
But since we have been married I have had chronic health problems. He is stressed right now because we just lost our insurance and can't afford christmas.
He used to detonate just a couple times a year. In the last year it has increased and so has the aggression. The last fight was over something totally stupid. He picked up our youngest and kept screeming. My son was crying and hitting him. He followed my into our room and cornered me in the closet, screaming and jabbing his finger about an inch from my face. When I tried to take our son he flipped my arms off with enough force to make my arms ache.
He's a foot taller than me and extremely strong. He would never intentionally hurt me or the kids, but his anger gets the best of him. I don't know if he "blacks out" or just can't see what he looks like when he does this, but it has gotten a lot worse in a really short period of time.
If he were to ever hit, I think it would be to him like "Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that." Not on purpose, but the outcomes the same.
Has anyone else ever been here? Did they cross that line? How do you help fix it? I called the domestic violence shelter in my area and they said they would only offer anger management classes if he already hit me!!! No one is interested in stopping it before it happens!! He's a good guy, he just needs to learn coping skills. In his house, his dad just did what he want and everyone just said that's how he is. So he's learned that's ok.

Any advice anyone can give I'd appreciate. The sooner the better.
Off the subject, about your daughter, what my mom did was made my biological dad pay for it instead of back child support. He jumped on it, he didn't want me anyway.
I've tried to explain to him that I feel loved when he says or does nice things or compliments me. He says he doesn't get it....so I told him that I don't understand why cleaning the house or cooking dinner makes him feel loved. I don't have to understand, I just have to know that it's what makes him feel good.
He really tries, and I know the first post makes him sound awful, but he really is a sweet guy, he just has problems with communicating, so he detonates instead.
I don't want my kids to grow up this way either. My 9 yr old is already having anger problems, but what can I say when he sees his dad do it? I try talking to him but he gets tongue tied and it pisses him off. He always tells me that things don't come out the way they are meant so I told him that if he says something he knows hurt my feelings and didn't mean it that way, say so.
He just seems to think that I'll think he's stupid. I'm not a dumb person and I wouldn't waste my time on someone who was. Growing up he had some learning problems and it was drilled into his head that he was dumb. My husband is anything but and I try to tell him that. He can fix just about anything and he's an awesome mechanic. But he feels that smart means book smart. Hell, I'm book smart but that doesn't mean I can fix anything!!! I wish he could see how smart he is and have more confidence. He also views intelligence in terms of money.
I am not a materialistic person, I could care less as long as my family was happy, but that's not him. He feels he isn't providing if there's not extra cash on hand and plenty of toys. I just wish he knew how much I love him and don't care about money. I've always told him worry more about how you made it than what you made. It would be very easy for him to bring in loads of money if he was a dishonest mechanic....thankfully he's not. I couldn't stand it if he was.
I refuse to be dishonest, it will bite you in the butt every time!!!
I don't have really anyone to talk to, my mom is always on his side and as far as everyone is concerned he's the golden boy and all probs are my fault. So it's easier to keep quiet. I appreciate your responses. Everyone has given me some good insight and hopefully some ways to bring it under control. Thanks again,
hope to hear from y'all soon.
[QUOTE=Angel77]Can someone tell me what you think of my situation? Am I over-reacting or am I seeing the situation for what it is?
I have been married for ten years and my husband has always had a problem expressing emotions. He stuffs it until he detonates. He used to scream and punch walls, then started flipping furniture. He never used to follow me from room to room to scream at me.
But since we have been married I have had chronic health problems. He is stressed right now because we just lost our insurance and can't afford christmas.
He used to detonate just a couple times a year. In the last year it has increased and so has the aggression. The last fight was over something totally stupid. He picked up our youngest and kept screeming. My son was crying and hitting him. He followed my into our room and cornered me in the closet, screaming and jabbing his finger about an inch from my face. When I tried to take our son he flipped my arms off with enough force to make my arms ache.
He's a foot taller than me and extremely strong. He would never intentionally hurt me or the kids, but his anger gets the best of him. I don't know if he "blacks out" or just can't see what he looks like when he does this, but it has gotten a lot worse in a really short period of time.
If he were to ever hit, I think it would be to him like "Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that." Not on purpose, but the outcomes the same.
Has anyone else ever been here? Did they cross that line? How do you help fix it? I called the domestic violence shelter in my area and they said they would only offer anger management classes if he already hit me!!! No one is interested in stopping it before it happens!! He's a good guy, he just needs to learn coping skills. In his house, his dad just did what he want and everyone just said that's how he is. So he's learned that's ok.

Any advice anyone can give I'd appreciate. The sooner the better.[/QUOTE]
:bouncing:
I have an idea of what you're going through. My ex and I fought night and day in front of our daughter over some really minute, assinine things. He was stressed with work, with bills, and being a young dad. He used me as his focal point to release those stresses. He went over that fine line a few times, and I stuck it out, for my daughter, and b/c I was just plain scared. I left him twice, and somehow always was convinced that it would be ok, it would be different, that he'd try to listen to what I had to say instead of jumping the gun and yelling. I finally figured out that there were a number of underlying issues that were stemming from his sudden outrage. 1-He had another girlfriend and was trying to take care of her while he was still with me and our daughter; 2-He had a hard time seeing her b/c he was working so much trying to make ends meet; 3-He resented me for having lived a "fuller" life than he prior to dating him; 4-He didn't have a chance to experience life b/c of our daughter; 5-He was a spoiled rotten, irresponsible, immature individual. Although I don't believe your husband is entirely like my ex was, we get along better now b/c I am gone. If you take a step back, walk away for a while, or write down what you feel when he yells at you...give him perspective. Video-record his episode, let him watch himself on T.V. one day. Or you can audio-record, let him listen to his yelling, let him hear for himself what he's yelling about. I did that, and it has taken me a long way. He watched my daughter's reaction to one of his tangents, he saw what he was doing to her, and realized that it was affecting her in such adverse ways...I didn't care much about what he said/did to me...I'm an adult, I can hold my own. Children are the most innocent creatures out there, and they do not deserve to see what the world really holds until they're old enough to understand. Then, sit and explain it to them.
I wish you all the best of luck.





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