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Angry Husband!
Mar 15, 2004
I've been married to an angry man for almost 8 years. We have two small children together. I think I have stayed so long because I was scared to be on my own again, and didn't want my kids to be raised by a single mom.

My husband told me last week that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't love me anymore. I don't exactly have loving feelings for him after being critized for so long, but I still wanted him in my life (or so I thought). This past week we have been trying to talk things out, and everything that comes out of his mouth is so mean and cruel. He has said things to me like, "I wished I would have never married you." and "I don't care if we ever have sex again" There's a whole lot more but I don't want to drag this out. I felt like he was taking a knife and stabbing it right in my heart. I have tried for so long to make him happy. He is a perfectionist and in his mind he is close to perfect. (word for word that's what he told me) No matter what I do its never good enough. I'm always being made fun of, or put down. He doesn't like the way I walk, talk, eat, sleep, the list goes on. I can't believe after all this time together he doesn't have one nice thing to say about me. Oh, he did say I was a good mother. He doesn't even know me because I'm a whole lot more than that. I've even gotten teased or been called "Old and boring" because I like being a wife and mother.

I've tried to focus on me and not him, knowing it takes two to argue and I know I'm defensive. Wouldn't you want to defend yourself if someone was constantly finding fault with everything you do? I really don't think I'm the one broken here, I think we moved in different directions and I've grown-up and he still wants to act like he's young and free. We are so opposotite but I never believed that didn't mean we couldn't still be together. He is such a negative person, I'm very positive. We had a birthday party for my son and he complained about that! He said, why do we have to have a b-day party for him, I've got better things to do" I can't believe I can't even enjoy my son's party.

Everyone tells me to go to counceling with him. He has never been able to share his feelings with me, just the negative ones. When I'm talking to him about mine I get made fun of. I don't see how counceling will work because he's too immature and won't do the work. I also don't see how its going to make him feel different about me. I will go to counceling for my kids so one day I can tell them I did everything I could to make it work. I think eventually he will pass this off to them, and I don't want that to happen so I pretty much know I have to get my life figured out and leave. I won't stay with him unless he changes and I doubt from his attitude that will happen. He still doesn't admit any wrong doing in this relationship, nothing!

Would you consider this abuse? I've never thought of him as abusive, just controlling and impossible.
Re: Angry Husband!
Mar 15, 2004
Your posting brought back a lot of memories. I've been in your position. Stayed years longer than I would have liked to, but because of "fear of the unknown," I ended up vegitating in a long-dead marriage.

I'm not going to lie to you. Being a single mom is not easy. Although my husband at the time didn't make a lot of money, two incomes are still better than one, and after the separation the kids and I had to adjust our lifestyle tremendously. That meant a lot of "fringe benefits" the kids used to have were no longer available to them and at age 11 and 13 they were not happy about that. Also, since after I kicked their dad out he moved in with his mother and had no expenses, he was able to "buy the kids off" when I couldn't afford what they wanted (which was always,) and I looked like a loser to them, just like he wanted me to.

My kids are now 23 and 21. My 23-year-old son has not spoken to me in 5 years. I am remarried, finishing my bachelor's degree, have moved to another city hundreds of miles away because I was so tired of my ex making up lies about me to make up for his feeling of anger and failure at being kicked out by his wife (he told people in our community that I'm: In jail, in drug rehab, a prostitute, a lesbian, dead, etc etc etc) and I had no choice but to move. But aside from the horrible problem with my son that my ex continues to fan the flames for every day to "make me pay," I'm certain that my life is much better than it would have been if I had stayed with my childrens' dad.

Do you want your kids to be raised by a single mom, or in a home where there is no love, constant anger and degradation of their mother, and negativity? I still am glad I got out of that situation regardless of the problems my control-freak ex have caused. It wasn't worth throwing the rest of the my life away for a mistake I made when I was 19 years old. I hope my son comes around some day and realizes that in a divorce there is no "bad guy," it's just a mistake two people make who are not right for each other, but if he doesn't, he's an adult and that's his problem to deal with. I've tried to contact him but he hangs up on me and blocks my emails. He knows how to contact me if he needs to and I'm here for him nomatter what but even he has no right to treat me like garbage and I'm not making the first move to contact him ever again.

My daughter is fine and tries to tread a narrow line and not upset anyone because my kids' dad has them convinced that if they have any relationship with my new husband and me that "they are disloyal," so she acts accordingly. This is not fair, and is a ripple effect of that mistake I made so long ago, but if I hadn't married that person, I wouldn't have the children so it wasn't a total wash. I just wish he'd get over it and grow up. After ten years, though, it doesn't look like that's ever going to happen. No situation is perfect, but the situation I chose to be in now (no longer married to a mean, hateful, violent control freak) is still 100% better and my quality of life has improved for the better. Also, my kids do not see me being mistreated or degraded anymore, and hopefully they have learned that no one has to put up with that, nomatter what.

Do what you have to do, but my suggestion is this - BAIL. Life's too short and this guy is not worth it. Take some time to enjoy "finding yourself," and after that if you find yourself needing a relationship, go for it. But remember this - make yourself happy and everything else in your life will follow suit. Your kids deserve a happy home and so do you!

Best of luck to you, my friend, and let me know how it goes.
Re: Angry Husband!
Mar 16, 2004
[QUOTE=j_cricket33]I've been married to an angry man for almost 8 years. We have two small children together. I think I have stayed so long because I was scared to be on my own again, and didn't want my kids to be raised by a single mom.

My husband told me last week that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't love me anymore. I don't exactly have loving feelings for him after being critized for so long, but I still wanted him in my life (or so I thought). This past week we have been trying to talk things out, and everything that comes out of his mouth is so mean and cruel. He has said things to me like, "I wished I would have never married you." and "I don't care if we ever have sex again" There's a whole lot more but I don't want to drag this out. I felt like he was taking a knife and stabbing it right in my heart. I have tried for so long to make him happy. He is a perfectionist and in his mind he is close to perfect. (word for word that's what he told me) No matter what I do its never good enough. I'm always being made fun of, or put down. He doesn't like the way I walk, talk, eat, sleep, the list goes on. I can't believe after all this time together he doesn't have one nice thing to say about me. Oh, he did say I was a good mother. He doesn't even know me because I'm a whole lot more than that. I've even gotten teased or been called "Old and boring" because I like being a wife and mother.

I've tried to focus on me and not him, knowing it takes two to argue and I know I'm defensive. Wouldn't you want to defend yourself if someone was constantly finding fault with everything you do? I really don't think I'm the one broken here, I think we moved in different directions and I've grown-up and he still wants to act like he's young and free. We are so opposotite but I never believed that didn't mean we couldn't still be together. He is such a negative person, I'm very positive. We had a birthday party for my son and he complained about that! He said, why do we have to have a b-day party for him, I've got better things to do" I can't believe I can't even enjoy my son's party.

Everyone tells me to go to counceling with him. He has never been able to share his feelings with me, just the negative ones. When I'm talking to him about mine I get made fun of. I don't see how counceling will work because he's too immature and won't do the work. I also don't see how its going to make him feel different about me. I will go to counceling for my kids so one day I can tell them I did everything I could to make it work. I think eventually he will pass this off to them, and I don't want that to happen so I pretty much know I have to get my life figured out and leave. I won't stay with him unless he changes and I doubt from his attitude that will happen. He still doesn't admit any wrong doing in this relationship, nothing!
Would you consider this abuse? I've never thought of him as abusive, just controlling and impossible.[/QUOTE]

Some of what you say sounds familiar. Continue to surround yourself with all this hurtful talk is going to make you ill if it has not already. Don't try to change him because he is who he is. When he talks down to you that's one way to try to keep the woman passive and subserviant. Don't buy into his cruelty. Your kids are one thing but you have value as a human being and don't deserve this abuse. Yes abuse. You wondering if it is tells me he's got you half way brainwashed. Your kids are going to learn how to treat there future partners by what they are seeing roll modeled for them. The daughter may look for a critical, control freak and not stick up for herself, or the son may become an abuser. Go to therapy together to teach him because he needs a wake up call. When he says those horrible things to you fight back and don't let him pick on you. Big man has to compensate for the weak link he is and keep a good woman down. I think he has a personality disorder and is beyond nasty. He should get evaluated because this is not close to normal. Don't be his target. Tell him to pick on someone his own size. Hang in there. Gemi
Re: Angry Husband!
Mar 16, 2004
Thank-you for the replies. Its been a tough week but I'm surviving. I have some good friends and my family for support. At first the rejection was so painful all I wanted to do was cry, but now I've had some time to think about it all and feel pretty angry about the whole thing. I can't believe after all these years together the total lack of disrespect. He's treating me like I'm the enemy, I don't trust him at all. He really under estimates my power! He is in the military, and there are laws and regulations set up to protect me. He will have to pay child support, daycare exp, probably allimony too and I will get part of his retirement. (this will probably make him more bitter) My children will still have all their benefits. I'm not worried about supporting them and being on my own. I'm not looking forward to any of the divorce proceedings, but I know I will get through it okay. I'm actually glad he wants out, I've been trying to hold our relationship together for so long. At first when he rejected me and saying all those hurtful things I really was under the illusion I could change and prove him wrong. But I am who I am and if he doesn't love me for that and then too bad. I'm not a beautiful person, but I'm not ugly either. I've always felt I was attractive. He's such a vain shallow person, all he sees is whats on the outside. I could look like Brittany Spears and it still wouldn't be good enough. I'm really looking forward to meeting a guy who wants to know me. I also can't wait to have my own place and own money. It will be so nice not being bitched at for every little thing that goes wrong.

I really just wish we could just be friends now and do whats best for our kids. I have told him I will never say one unkind word to them about him. I know how much they love their Daddy, I don't trust he will do that for me because he's so selfish. I'm going to write all this down in a journal so one day when their older they can read it for themselves. I won't fight with him in front of them either. I'm holding on to the hope that lots of people come from divorced families, its not the end of the world. But thats me always positive.

Thanks again
Re: Angry Husband!
Mar 16, 2004
HI J cricket~i do know how you feel.I grew up in a abusive home both my parents were abusive exremly!!!!!!!my father was and is still a drinker.I have cut off all contact with my mother she is still abusive but in other ways.
So i married an abuser~~He was at first nice i just went with what ever he said i was used to that.He was so mean.I had no voice.The first time i left him he followed would not let up~all in the line of letting me know he had control~it was way worse this time.
He had gotten a job working nights it was so peaceful when he wasn't there.BUT he would come home in a rage it was on one of these nights he raped me.I became pregnant he slowed down some on the beatings and i started to try to be stronger and braver for this child.She was born way to early one of his beatings is what started my labor.Some people now ask me why didn't you get out why did you let him treat you this way~~I don't know.It got worse as the baby got better.he told me many times she was gonna die i know now he meant to try to hurt her.I finally called 911 the night he picked up a chair and threw it at her.But they (cops) did nothing but escorted him off the place.I did file for divorce.After 5 years he decided to see our child i can't explain for you what that has been like.He still knows everyother weekend iam in fear.Iam scared to death .He gets away with everything.I have remarried to a wonderful man.we have one child togather and have been trying to have another for over 2 years.Why is it so hard now for me to conceive when all the jerk did before was rape me and i was pregnant!!!WE have taken him to court many many times he has told our child he was gonna kill himself the courts did nothing he locked her in a room they did nothing and he would'nt let her go to the bathroom and on and on.When we go to court he lies does what ever he can to me has been oreder not to call or try to talk to me yet when he does they do nothing.I was told he hasn't physically hurt her and until he does that we can't do anything.He also hated the B.day party her 1 yr one he laid on the couch it was so embarrassing and degrading.
But my fear has been replaced with my childs fear so he is still doing it.
Don't let yourself take it.You are not what he says.It is so good you have family support.My mom hated him till i left him than she no longer supported me with my decision i believe now she actually like what he was doing to me.
Iam sorry this got so long when i get on this subject i can write for hours.I did see a counsler it didn't help.He wanted to focus on us having contact can you believe that!!but you see that is what my ex wanted and had the counsler believeing .
It would not of been worth it to work it out.You can't work out any form of abuse.it has been 9 years and it hasn't changed.
You can be happy!!And even though i at times didn't even have a 1$ to put gas in my car to get to work i was finding peace.Yes he still finds ways to get to me But i have the most wonderfull Husband thta stands by me and is always here.
Be brave and let your kids know that it is not right to live that way.

And to the one whoose husband has turned her son against her that is what my ex also does.And I do hope your son see's that one day.And knows how you loved them so much that you had to leave.
Re: Angry Husband!
Mar 16, 2004
[QUOTE=j_cricket33]I've been married to an angry man for almost 8 years. We have two small children together. I think I have stayed so long because I was scared to be on my own again, and didn't want my kids to be raised by a single mom.

My husband told me last week that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't love me anymore. I don't exactly have loving feelings for him after being critized for so long, but I still wanted him in my life (or so I thought). This past week we have been trying to talk things out, and everything that comes out of his mouth is so mean and cruel. He has said things to me like, "I wished I would have never married you." and "I don't care if we ever have sex again" There's a whole lot more but I don't want to drag this out. I felt like he was taking a knife and stabbing it right in my heart. I have tried for so long to make him happy. He is a perfectionist and in his mind he is close to perfect. (word for word that's what he told me) No matter what I do its never good enough. I'm always being made fun of, or put down. He doesn't like the way I walk, talk, eat, sleep, the list goes on. I can't believe after all this time together he doesn't have one nice thing to say about me. Oh, he did say I was a good mother. He doesn't even know me because I'm a whole lot more than that. I've even gotten teased or been called "Old and boring" because I like being a wife and mother.

I've tried to focus on me and not him, knowing it takes two to argue and I know I'm defensive. Wouldn't you want to defend yourself if someone was constantly finding fault with everything you do? I really don't think I'm the one broken here, I think we moved in different directions and I've grown-up and he still wants to act like he's young and free. We are so opposotite but I never believed that didn't mean we couldn't still be together. He is such a negative person, I'm very positive. We had a birthday party for my son and he complained about that! He said, why do we have to have a b-day party for him, I've got better things to do" I can't believe I can't even enjoy my son's party.

Everyone tells me to go to counceling with him. He has never been able to share his feelings with me, just the negative ones. When I'm talking to him about mine I get made fun of. I don't see how counceling will work because he's too immature and won't do the work. I also don't see how its going to make him feel different about me. I will go to counceling for my kids so one day I can tell them I did everything I could to make it work. I think eventually he will pass this off to them, and I don't want that to happen so I pretty much know I have to get my life figured out and leave. I won't stay with him unless he changes and I doubt from his attitude that will happen. He still doesn't admit any wrong doing in this relationship, nothing!

Would you consider this abuse? I've never thought of him as abusive, just controlling and impossible.[/QUOTE]
Yes that is abuse. It's called emotional abuse. That is awful torture to put yourself through.
That is one hard abuse to recover from to. And if that's what you go through, I wonder how your kids are treated by him if they don't do something right or when they're learning something.
Does he tell them what a loser they are or they're no good for anything or anything like that? It does a lot of damage to children and not to mention your self esteem.
Plus the male children in your family will learn to treat women that way also.
It's completely cruel! Why would he say those things to any human being so openly.
For Your sake and the Kids sake, you should have that in your life or your kids lives!
With the stuff he says to you, counciling is not going to fix, if that's really how he feels. Counciling is for people who want there relationship to work and love each other.
He insults you like your nothing.
8 yrs is not that long, you can have a much better life for you and your kids. Material is never worth it to stay with such cruelty.
Take care, Pootsi-
Re: Angry Husband!
Apr 15, 2004
He has got too many issues. He's never physically hurt me, except thrown things at me when he's lost control of his anger. Last week we got into a fight and he threw a plastic cup at me to try and shut me up. When I get angry at him I do tend to yell and run my mouth, something I'm trying to work on. Its sad to say, but we have argued almost the entire time we've know each other. We seem to disagree about everything. I don't know how I managed to marry a person like this and have two kids. But I don't regret it I just always hoped we would eventually work out our differences and get along. Its what I've always wanted, a happy loving husband. Tried for years and years to be a good wife for him.

I've been going to counceling by myself and I wish I would have done this sooner. I'm learning alot about men and myself as well. It may be too late to save the marriage, but at least by me going I'm helping my next relationship and the existing one between my husband and I. I want the divorce to go as smooth as possible and hope oneday we can forgive and forget. I also hoped by fixing myself I would fix our marriage but I have alot of doubt and don't think that's going to work here.

I would prefer to stay together and try to make it work. I'm still very confused and have alot of doubt that it will. There is alot to consider, I have two children that love us very much, I only wish we loved each other as much as we love them. Part of me still wants him, but I don't know why. I can't stand him most of the time, He's rude, inconsiderate, selfish, immature and materialistic just to name a few. I think alot of it stems from his childhood. (His father can also be very difficult and set in his ways)

The bottom line is we have both changed. I'm not the same person I was when he met me, I'm a wife, and a mother which makes me very happy. He still wants to party and complains everyday about the kids, house, marriage etc. I think I've grown up, and doing what I should be doing with my life at 34, and he is 34 going on 24.
Re: Angry Husband!
Apr 16, 2004
The article makes perfect sense. I only wish is was that simple.

I would be more than happy to give my husband 150 % and do all those things to meet his needs. But its kind of hard to want to have sex with him when he's constantly bitching and nagging me everyday about something. He complains so much about everything that goes on around here and usually turns it around so its my fault. He loves to play the blame game.

He would love sex three times a day, he would love for me to be very involved in his hobbies, he would love for me to look like a Victoria Secret Model. The list goes on. He should love me for me and he doesn't. He doesn't like talking to me, we have never taken long walks together. Just the other day he critized me and told me, "I have no skills" Of course he was just saying this out of spite, but why does he have to be so cruel all the time? I don't think he deserves me and doesn't know much about me at all.

I have tried to communicate my needs to him. I get no affection, well his idea of affection is slapping me on my butt. He doesn't talk to me, support me, encourage me, or respect me. I have tried the golden rule, "Do onto others as they would do onto you" Hoping if I showed him respect and admiration he would do the same for me. It never happens. I really do believe he is just immature.

I know there alot of men out there who can talk about their feelings and who do respect women, etc. I just am with the wrong man. I hope to one day find someone like my father. He was such a good man. Always sat and talked to my mother. There was relationship wasn't always perfect, but he truly loved her and respected her. Marriage is hard but it shouldn't be such a struggle just for us to get along.

I see him starting to treat my kids the same way. He's always getting upset with them over stupid things. There 3 and 1 and are going to make alot of mistakes, their just kids and I'm so tired of listening to him gripe at them. I think the best thing for both of us is to move on. If I stay he will pass it onto them. My son will treat women like crap and my daughter will allow to men to treat her bad. He does love them very much, just doesn't have any patience with them at all.

I'm now taking it one day at a time. Trying to do things in my life to make my happy and raise my kids the best I know how.
Re: Angry Husband!
May 4, 2004
Ellocodetroit:

Sorry to hear your having such a hard time. Please don't commit suicide! Your boys are going to need you and you need to stay focused on that. Go get some counceling, or talk to your friends. Nothing is ever so bad that you have to take your own life. Maybe you have alot of guilt because of the way you treated her, but you are human and nobody's perfect, plus she had a role in it too, its not all your fault. I know my husband is a real jerk at times but I argued right back with him alot, and even in front of the kids which I feel terrible about. Pick yourself up, take a deep breath and say tomorrow is another day. Life is beautiful and too short. God has a plan for everyone, I don't know what that is for me, but I do believe it. Stay strong, and focus on the positive.

I've been going to counceling and talking to my best friends on the phone weekly, it has helped so much. I'm new here and don't have any friends locally, so weekends are really tough for me, I get pretty bored and lonely always being home.

My husband and I are getting along fine. I told him if we were going to live together for awhile (until I get on my feet) that he was going to have to be nice to me. We also talked this weekend and started working out all the arrangements for later. I will keep the house and the kids, he is military and will have to move in three years to another base. In the meantime we will probably legally seperate and he will move in with a friend. Still makes me sad its over and its very hard for me to let go. The only thing I'm worried about is the money part. He doesn't want to give me alimoney, or doesn't think child support should go up when ever he gets a raise. Also, I want half his retirement and he about flipped when I told him that. I've been a good military wife and I think I deserve it. I've had to give up alot to follow him and his career. Well I'm no dummy and I know not to trust him at all. I won't ask for alimoney, but I will the rest. It all depends if a judge will grant it or not. His retirement is considered property and I'm going to get the house. ??


Like I said we are getting along fine and want the best for the kids. He is going to try and move back here later so he can share some of the visitation. My kids love us both so much and have no idea what's going to happen, its so hard to see the love for us and know the future.

Jcrick
Re: Angry Husband!
Jun 1, 2004
I sound just like your husband. I treat my fiance like crap...Anything I can do to belittle her...She is too fat, her accent bugs me, her hair is not right, she don't fix herself up, we never have sex...I just constantly nag and ***** at her about everything and I get angry out of nowhere sometimes grabbing her and kind of lightly pushing her. I hate myself for doing those things and I can't control it...I have tried tons of different medications to control my behavior. She sticks with me for whatever reason because most of the time I am pretty decent guy. I am really trying to change my behavior, go to therapy, take anger management classes and just figure out what the hell is going on inside me to make me act that way. She really is an awesome person but I will do everything I can to treat her like crap and push her away from me. She will never be the person I want her to be...There is always someone else that is better (the grass is greener). I feel for you and I also feel for your husband. I hope he knows he has a problem and tries to get help. I hope I change for not just my sake but for my soon to be wife. She really does not deserve to be treated that way at all. I know she won't put up with it much longer so I really have no choice but to change or risk losing her. I am irrational and a jerk and I know it---its just frustrating to not know why you are like that.
Re: Angry Husband!
Aug 24, 2004
Hello,My husband of 23 years atarted thr the day adter we were narried.Broke a wedding set of disheShoudve had an anulment then!Be honest i was then and still am afraid of him..He has threw screw drivers at me,,once while i fed the 4 mo oldhe grabbed a pot of fressh made coffee and swung at my headmy baby>he has contollred me to the point i cannot think for myself,afraid that if i make a wrong sescision ill pay.He takes the life outta me.He rescently went for back surgery,and chose to stay with his mother,that i wouldnt nor couldnt ake care of him!His mother is 67 tr.old..Go figure.Because ive always took the best of care of him,..He has 2 personalities.at work people think he is perfect.He complains or takes his fits if me or the kids get silly and laugh..one miThis Thanks for a listening! L \\\\





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